Wiley Coyote and The Roadrunner

I haven't posted in over a month. Some of it is because I had allowed myself to be so consumed with relational stuff I got tired of the same questions going around and around in my head. The other part is that I've been a little depressed because of my injured knee. I'm happy to say my knee is healing well and I think I'm going to avoid surgery. Yay!!!

I got to the point of surrender with my relationship with H. I wasn't getting answers and with or without him was going to work. There wasn't a best case scenario. So I finally told God. Whatever you want... His response was a quick picture in my brain. A 3 second clip of the Warner Bros Coyote chasing the road runner. As I processed that, I started to see all the attempts Wiley made to catch the roadrunner. I immediately understood that was me and my husband. H trying anything he can to catch me. Me running, playing emotional games, never truly committing.
Then I say to God, but he left. And I heard "meep, meep" in the familiar WB Roadrunner tone and again I understood. He gets tired of the chase and I re-engage him. All it takes is for me to pop up in his face, meep at him and the chase is on.

At this point, I find myself getting a little defensive. The word "but" starts to form but before it makes it out I am shut down. It was my cue to listen. As I surrendered, I suddenly began to get more. I saw the pain I was causing him. All the fears I had expressed about not being attractive, not making it alone in the future, not feeling loved. I saw how I was and just wasn't able to see it. I saw how my fears have rules my past, present and potential future.

Then God took me to my unforgivness, resentments and bitterness. I saw how I made most of it up because of my fear. I needed him to be the bad guy so I could justify my own insecurities. True, he has hit me. True, he has controlled me. True, he has been jealous. But he has never wavered on his love for me. I always have. He hasn't laid a hand on me in years. His underlying anger has disappeared. He has been humbling himself and doing whatever he can to make things right. Nothing I've acknowledged nor supported other than my occasional meep.

There are still new boundaries on this journey. But what was most amazing about surrendering and spending time with God was the healing that has taken place. God showed me the man H is and He showed me that H can't be that man until I'm steady. H has done his time. He has repented. God is working in him and it's time for me to stop putting faith in what I think I know and start living the way I know how.

After eating crow and apologizing for the years of pain that I have caused my husband, we had a wonderful talk and an understanding. He would control and be jealous when he thought he had caught me out of fear of losing me. I calmed those fears. Showed him a heart he knew was there but has never seen and he didn't run like I was sure he would. He stood there and told me I am beautiful. Still makes me cry when I talk about it. For the first time I believed him. Oh he probably meant it before, I just couldn't hear him. But now I do.

I'm not naive enough to think from here on its going to be a bed of roses. However without the doubt and anger, we stand a much better chance and I feel better knowing I'm more clear headed about it all.

I don't know how much I'm going to be able to write. Even though I'm not working, I'm staying busy. I'm excited to say our team wants to start our own ministry at our church! It might be a lot of work but it's the good kind of work. The kind where I spend several hours a day in prayer so that God can speak and direct our steps. Its work to shut off the brain. It's peaceful and amazing to be in His presence.

In the meantime, I will daily surrender my inner Roadrunner so she and the Coyote can live happily ever after... :)

Weeds

My Dad has been coming over and working on the lawn. Today when I got outside he spouted off at me about how it's a mess and if he had to guess, he would say a couple of addicts live here. Yup. Seriously.

Now I'm not exactly sure how weeds correlate with addiction but he went on to talk about how both h and I need a 12 step group so we have accountability. I said I would consider it. However it's not unusual for my Dad to go off half-cocked if something is bothering him. What is bothering him, I don't know. I gave him permission to not putz on the yard but ya know, he is OCD sometimes so I just let him go. Yet I wonder what his accountability comment was about.

If it's about the yard, he's right. I haven't weeded the flower beds lately. Nor trimmed trees. In my defense h gets angry and defensive because it's "man's" work so I don't. But I don't have to let it stop me.

If he's talking metaphorically. He's absolutely right but who of us doesn't have weeds that need to be pulled? I know I do and I know I haven't been working on them like I should. A 12 step group for addiction? I don't know. Seems a little extreme considering I'm addicted to cigarettes. Maybe he's trying to tell me to quit smoking.

And yet, if I were to define the "weeds" in my life it would be easy. I just don't know what to do with them. I pull them out but they lay in a pile and re-seed themselves. Not good and I know it. Starting with resentments. I'm angry at both my mom and dad, at h, at myself, at my church, my abusers, my ex and his new wife. There is even some towards my children and definitely towards my step kids. And finally, I'm sure I am angry with God for some of the tragedies in my life I feel He could have stopped.

Underneath the anger is deep sadness, betrayal, pain, grief, hurt, loss and a deep well of tears I have yet to shed. Tears hungry for that safe place to let them go. But I have noticed I'm afraid to face them alone. I wish I trusted h with my heart. I don't. If I were to trust k, g, t or l with it then h would not only be mad at me but then as well. Maybe these days alone are when I try to go there, even if I'm alone. I don't know.

I do know that those tears and sadness are a trigger for panic and my fear of abandonment to rear its ugly head. That's why I don't want to go down that road alone. 

As a woman, I imagine there is nothing more comforting than being in the arms of your man. Where he holds you and you don't have to watch your back because he's got it. Where you don't have to fear what's in front of you because he is guarding. Where you can stop and rest and he's with you. Wholly, completely and fully.

Maybe that's what it will take. Find someone to take the weeds once I've pulled them and throw them away. Theoretically, God should be that person and He is and yet the human side of me needs a soul mate to hold on to through that journey.

Until then, I guess I'll keep leaking and pull the weeds from the top knowing they will be back and hoping God will find me worthy of the kind of love I seek from a man.

Pleasurable Gift

The bible has me contemplating today. My verse of the day was Proverbs 18:22. It says "The one who finds a wife finds what is enjoyable, and receives a pleasurable gift from the Lord". I've been a wife 3 times and I've never been treated like a gift. I suppose because I don't think I am one...or didn't.

But now I see that I'm valuable. I work hard, love to cook and bake, enjoy taking care of my home for the most part, love God, love all those around me, am a good Mom and friend. I have a servants heart and just want to give to those around me, especially my husband and children and yet, rather than being seen as a gift I am taken advantage of. I hate it.

At first I didn't mind. It was what I wanted to do but I also honestly thought that H would give back. Sometimes he does and I have to give him credit for being a good provider and quite handy around the house. However where is the affection? Where is the care? Why can't I be spoiled once and a while? Why do I have to feel guilty for indulging in things I enjoy like drinking? Or napping? Or driving?

I've been so defeated lately. I'm not working on my grief like I should be. I still have horrible anxiety at night and find it hard to sleep. I feel myself closer to breaking down finally but can't do it around my spouse or kids. For 2 different reasons. My kids get scared when Mom isn't strong. I don't feel safe emotionally around H to let go or if I have a moment where I do, he turns it around and makes it about him. I'm exhausted treading water.

I should say more like I used to. But I shut down like he's used to me doing. I should say this isn't working and point out I gave him his 2 months and things are back to the way they used to be so he needs to walk away. I should kick him out for good and file for divorce. But I don't and I haven't. That alone is discouraging. Why is it so hard for me to hurt people? I know I should put me first but I don't know how. Mama bear seems to have gone on vacation and I miss my therapist.

Not just that but now that I'm back to being isolated but working, I miss my friends the most. H wants me to quit work and stay home again. Since I'm not, he believes I get enough socialization so we have to leave quickly and get to places late. He doesn't even see it. I subtly have tried to point it out and he gets defensive. To avoid an argument I drop the subject. I think my friends miss me too. That alone makes me sad.

Not that I have power over them, but my friends are real friends and we give and take and share with each other. I see they are also isolated from me because of this linebacker I call my husband. He hovers, I don't get my girl time and I think their mood is affected too. It's such an ugly situation that I only see one way out of and that has its own set of problems. But like I told T tonight, I believe God had a plan. What that is, I don't know but He has a little less than a year to do whatever He is going to so I'm just waiting.

I really hope someday I will be seen as a pleasurable gift. Just not sure if it will be with H or not. Perhaps I need to convince myself I am one so I accept nothing less. Now thats a thought...

Caution

Got my first pedicure today. What an experience. It was nice but very awkward for me. I can see why people do it but I have issues with sex being a reward. Not that I did anything of course but it was a man who did it and I realized that if we had been on a date or something, I would have felt obligated to have sex with him. Now that's messed up.

I can't really say why I feel that way. I suppose some of it is because I just don't feel worthy of attention without reciprocation. However, why would I not feel that paying him would be enough? Or even the tip I gave him? Why is that not enough?

The bible says I am suppose to cherish my body and treat it with respect. Knowing what I do about spiritual warfare, I know that there is a connection that you don't want to subject yourself to at random. You can pick up all sorts of "parasites". And yet, that doesn't scare me like it should. I know that in certain situations, I would not be able to have self control.

Is it nympho tendencies? I just can't say no to sex. Yet I can say no to my husband so I don't need an emotional connection. So it is sex with strangers that appeals to me? Possibly but there are people I'd just never sleep with. So I need physical attraction. I don't know.

What seems to be consistent is that I seem to think I have nothing worth offering but myself. My money, my time, my emotion, I don't consider it anything would want. But I assume a person would want sex. Ugh. I'm going to have to process that further. I don't want to go into a single life with this unresolved. Could be an ugly thing.

In fact, it's already ugly because I could easily cheat on my husband right now. Even though we are in a "trial" time, in other words separated emotionally, again in the right situation I wouldn't hesitate to cheat on him. I have so much animosity and I'm tired of needing to be on my toes constantly in order to avoid things going back to how they were. It would be so easy but I'm so close to freedom. What that freedom is, I don't know. Time will tell.

Yet I know that if I went and cheated on him or even told him I had, it would be over now. It is incredibly tempting. But I can't do it. Gotta see this through the right way. And yet, if we end up together in a year, I still need to be able to understand my vulnerability when it comes to men and sex. It's a dangerous mix regardless because one wrong move and I've not only put myself at risk but my family and possibly another marriage. No good. I'd better use caution.

No more fear?

H and I went to see my Dad tonight. He decided to share some past experiences with us. There were all sorts of stories but the one he stressed was me at 18 months old, running away from my parents, even climbing over a fence to get away. Dad's point was to show that deep inside me, deeper than comprehension, that if I stay in any one place, I will die.

As I ponder this, rather than wondering if it's true, I wonder how it has affected me. Dad says it's a fear of abandonment that started when I was born. Within a day of my birth, I was shipped off to my parents. I had no time for bonding with my birth mom and once I got with them, there was no ability on my Mom's part to bond and my Dad was always working. I was passed around from person to person in his little parish, never really knowing the security of having parents or even consistent relationships in my life. In turn I trust no one.

I know that part is true. I have never trusted anyone fully in my life. Not even myself. Usually people with abandonment issues rely fully on themselves. However because of my upbringing, I was made to doubt even myself. I am unable at this time to fully believe in anyone. Not even God.

What a sad, sad reality. It breaks my heart. But it explains a lot. I cannot trust marriage, I cannot trust friendship, I cannot trust common sense or researched decisions. I cannot believe a doctor, I cannot believe a lawyer. I cannot believe myself. Even if I'd had the opportunity, I would have sabotaged it. Not on purpose but unwittingly. The jagged pieces of my broken heart severing ties, making excuses, finding fault, passing judgement.

I don't want to live like this anymore. I cannot. I run from one extreme to another, lost and confused. Wanting to fit in and find my place but so distraught by the things of my past that I cannot be where I belong. It's no wonder I have been married 3 times. It's no wonder I have attended and worshipped at 6 different churches in my adult life. It's no wonder I don't even know who I am. And it's no one's fault. I can't blame my Moms. One was doing what she thought was right. The other was sick in her own ways. I am merely a product of being conceived.

Now what? Is there hope? Is there a way to get back to a place that goes beyond my existence to be healed? Is there a way God can reach beyond my comprehension, my memories, my feelings? Was I born with a broken heart? Will it ever be whole?

I don't know. But I know I have to try. I want to be whole. I want to trust. I want my marriage to work. I want a church home. I want the home I live in to be my house for the rest of my natural life. I want my friends to be in my life forever. I want to grow old and feel safe where I'm at, with whom I'm with and not want or need more. I don't want to be afraid anymore...

Brick Wall

I was suppose to go to my therapy appointment today. They moved him 40 miles away. I tried someone closer but didn't like her so I thought I could do the drive. I was wrong. My anxiety took over and the further away I got from home, the less I could breathe. My throat was closing, my chest heavy, my head spinning, my body flushing. I couldn't do it and I am so disappointed in myself.

He's texted me to ask if I'm running late and I can't bring myself to respond. I'm ashamed. How could I have been so naïve as to think that I could do this? What I find most perplexing is that I have no trouble driving my daughter 50 miles to her appointments. My girlfriend and I drove across nearly three states to attend her sisters funeral. Even just a few days ago, I drove to where K works and hung out there by myself and visited with her when she was available. But today, today I failed.

I feel like I have taken a step backwards. More than that actually. I feel like I've just rammed into a wall at full speed and have fallen flat on my back. I'm just laying here wondering when the wind is going to come back to me so I can get up. I haven't had this kind of anxiety in several weeks and I was hopeful it was over. I just don't understand why my brain must torture me like this.

I'm sure it has to do with feeling powerless. I suppose guilt and shame as well. I don't know. All I know is that some days it is exhausting. It takes so much energy just to function and I don't always know where it's coming from. I'm suppose to have band practice tonight and the thought of it is more than I can bear right now. Yet I know that my life has to go on. The kids will come home, there is dinner to prepare, I have one I need to pick up at noon, there's another I need to confront on some of her behaviors. So what now? I'm so disappointed and ashamed I'm having trouble staying upright. I want to go climb into bed and hide under the covers until tomorrow. At least I have tomorrow.

Tomorrow is a new day right? I can't predict or plan for tomorrow. I have to hold on to hope that it will be a better day. I can even hope that the rest of today will go better. But right now, I don't know if it will. I will shut down and try to focus on what tasks need to be done. A lifeless existence. One I had been trying to avoid. That's why therapy, that's why the meds, that's why the push to try to be a better person and improve my daily life. So I don't have to shut down, so I can have joy, peace, happiness, comfort and safety. Yet I find myself back in a place where I have to keep going...it's a perpetual circle of dysfunction and I want off this ride. How is that gonna happen when I keep failing? When I keep struggling with panic and anxiety? When I am paralyzed by shame?

My head hurts from running into this brick wall all the time...

Watch and See

I have spent the last couple days away from home with H. He asked and I felt like I needed to say yes. Partially to separate him and the kids and the other part because I'm his wife. I owe him.

What I was expecting was him to be apologetic. For him to grovel and apologize. To try to buy me and woo me. I expected him to pressure me into physical intimacy, to pretend there was nothing wrong between us, to try to put a bandaid on what has happened.

What I got was far different. I have been with a man who is humble, kind, gentle. A man who is learning to be secure with himself. A man who is no longer making excuses for his actions but acceptant of their hurtfulness and a man who wants to change.

He listens to me, he has seen how he has hurt me. He sees how he has emotionally abandon and crippled our children. He sees how much power he has as a man in our lives and he sees how blessed he is that we are all still here.

Most importantly he sees who I am and has not tried to change it at all. Quite the opposite. He'll make comments like I'm so cute and I'll remind him he never used to think that. I used to piss him off. And his response is I know and I'm sorry. I can't believe I never saw you before.

Tonight we were at a restaurant and there was a couple with their little girl. The dad was clearly blocking the daughter from her mom as well as ignoring the girl. He only acknowledged her to tell her to stop interrupting, sit down and be quiet, or to give her looks that would have made me cry. H saw it and expressed his desire to want to tell the dad to pay attention, they are only little once. Then I pointed out that was how H has been with our kids.

Seeing it from the other side seemed to shock him. He was speechless and his eyes welled up with tears. He apologized. I told him it wasn't me he needs to make it up to. Now he can see how he has behaved and how the child responds to such negativity. That's why our girls don't want him around. That's why our girls are hurt. That's why they are done. That kind of treatment is horrible for anyone, especially a child. And he agreed.

Agreed. Seriously. Agreed. No excuses. No buts, no it's your fault because they are mimicking your attitude. Just you're right.

I don't know who this man I've been with is. I've seen bits and pieces over the years but not this man consistently. If this is truly who God has made him to be, there is a chance in this marriage. But I didn't tell him that, nor will I. Not yet anyway. I'm okay with him walking the fence and wondering at any moment when this is going to be over.

I don't want him to fear it being over but I also want to be honest. And today, honest is that I'm not convinced but I'm seeing and hearing things that I am taking notice of. He's has piqued my interest but not captured my heart. Oddly enough, his goal seems not to do that anymore. His goal is to just be a better man.

How that affects our marriage, I don't know. I'm not taking divorce lightly and would prefer not to have to but I am not going to sacrifice myself any longer. If God puts us back together, fine. If not, that's fine too. For now I'm just gonna watch and see. So far so good...

Storms

H and I had a really good talk tonight. He's accepting of the separation. He's not leaving but he's aware of our relationship status and that there are no guarantees. I laid it all out for him. All those things that's I've avoided saying so I didn't hurt him were said. All those secrets I've kept about the things that have hurt me over the years. He said it was like they all just came from nowhere. I'm sure it felt that way.

I finally said enough and now the dust is settling. I had been blinded by the life we were in. It was a whirlwind of emotion, abuse, anger, resentment but now that the twister has gone, we can see what damage has been done and what we are going to need to do to make it right.

There are some things that can be repaired. Things that were annoyances that are easy to compromise on. Things that in many cases, I took personally but weren't meant that way at all. I can tell him my feelings were hurt, accept an apology, forgive and move on.

Other things can be rebuilt. We can learn to be friends again. We can find common ground and take it from there. We can build on the foundation of God's love as brother and sister in Christ.

But some things are going to have to be replaced. What that is has yet to be determined. Some things just aren't worth investing time and energy into. Some things are. Some things have been destroyed by the storm to the degree that there is no choice but to buy a new one.

Buy. Huh what an interesting thought. Another way to say it would be invest. What is it we will invest in? Will we invest in a life together or a life apart? Will we invest in a marriage or friendship? I say we but truth is it's me. What am I willing to invest in?

He's already said he wants to invest in our home, our marriage, our future. You think I'd be happy to hear that but I'm not. You would think as a wife I'm relieved and glad but I'm not. I'm mortified at the idea. I do not believe he is worth investing anymore time in. Wait, I believe he is. I don't believe the marriage is. Because as long as he's in my face, I'm not going to be able to forgive. He thinks I can so he stays. He has been told otherwise by not just me but he refuses to listen. Then he also chooses the consequences.

Time will tell. One of the good things we talked about was the house. It is mine. He won't take it from me he said. I'm going to make him prove it by transferring the deed into my name only and signing a legal doc saying he won't but I'm hoping that he will stay true to his word. So that's one less thing I'm going to worry about as we settle in after the storm.

One thing about storms is that everything has been washed clean. It is fresh and the world rejuvenates. Once the dust settles and the clouds disappear, we get to start again. In the meantime, it's time for me to take inventory and decide what is going to need to be repaired, rebuilt, and replaced.

Time to amputate

Funny, I just wrote a blog not more than a few hours ago. Odd how things can change in the blink of an eye. After I blogged, I was looking for a pic to go with it and noticed IE telling me there had been some visits so a key blogger site. I check them out and decide to search the computer. Wow. So glad I did.

I found H had downloaded it. He has been spying on me. I have nothing to hide except the feelings I write in my blog but even then, they don't have to be hidden. I choose for them to remain hidden. He was at work so I called him but he didn't answer so I sent him texts. I confronted him on it and he told me it was because of our daughter. He was worried about her and then he apologized for not telling me. I called him a liar. Then he admitted he lied to me. He has been watching me. He thinks I've been having an affair and he's been trying to catch me. I told him he could keep trying but the only thing I have to hide is my blog and he could see it if he wants. It will only hurt him to read it. Not me.

I was furious. What an ahole. I mean really. Once we finally got to talk about it, he told me it was my fault that he's trying to control me because I don't confront him when he's being a douche. Yup. My fault he can't keep his hands to himself. My fault that I've allowed him to make me his emotional punching bag. My fault he is rapidly losing control of me.

Some of those I imagine are true. I should have said something. I should have not put up with it. I shouldn't have allowed this all to happen. But I did. Now I'm trying to change it and he thinks I'm not trying. Ugh. WTF!

So I tell him to leave, we are over. This is the final straw. I refuse to be subjected to this any longer. He tells me he won't go. I can buy him out of the house but it's all half his. Now that pissed me off even more. Besides a couch and a fridge, everything else has been given to us by my family. Oh wait, he purchased the dishes set. But whatever. I asked him if he's going to kick the kids and I out and he said no, that would be my choice. If I want to go, I'm free to go but he's not. Wow. I reminded him of the gifts and he says they were meant for him too and just because hes been a jerk doesn't mean he deserves to lose it all. Huh. I beg to differ. If he had purchased it, he can have it. But my family stuff is mine.

Yet at the same time. He can have the fucking stuff. I'm so done. So tomorrow I go get a job, start looking for an apartment, collecting boxes and packing. We are gone. The girls want him gone too. They aren't going to be happy about moving anymore than I am but if he wants his stuff, he can have it. I'm not asking for stuff. I want respect. I want care. I want love.

He tells me that I need to give it one more shot. I asked him what that meant and he tells me that should come from a 3rd party. So he's suggesting marriage counseling again. When I asked him why he didn't take it seriously the first time we did it for 18 months he said he didn't know. Then I ask him why this is different and he says because he will listen now. Fuck that. I highly doubt it but ok. Whatever. Then I say, and if it doesn't work then what? He says we walk away friends.

Interesting thought. Because right now I'm sure I cannot be his friend. Selfish SOB can kiss my ass. But what do I have to lose? Nothing I haven't already. All I care about it me and my kids. So whatever. Of course I have to point out as we are talking, he's sitting at the dinner table letting me wait on him like he's a fucking king. And I just can't believe he is so arrogant he cannot hear the bullshit coming out of his mouth or see that he still allows me to service him, he expects it, it's normal and how it should be. That's the problem. He and I don't see eye to eye on what a marriage is.

Part of me wants to go find some guy to fuck and parade it around in front of him. He's already convinced I'm a slut so why not be one and give him what he wants? Then I get what I want too. An out. He wouldn't tolerate that and it would be over but I have this fear of losing friends, family and whomever because it's not how I would normally behave. I suppose I shouldn't care but I do. I will not make it through this without my friends. I cannot jeopardize them. Although I could sleep with someone I don't have feelings for and not care at all how it affects him. I'm just that mad. But what would it do to me?

It would hurt me. I'm better than that. I'm not that type of person. I might be curious and adventurous but I'm not irresponsible. Yet the kids want him gone, I want him gone and he refuses to go. I just don't know how many more chances I have for him. I have none. But can I find one for this to end amicably? I don't know. He's asking for one more. I cannot tell you how many times I've heard that over the last decade. Then it's my fault for not standing up to him. I'm in a lose, lose situation and there is nothing I can do about it. It sucks. So why do I hold on to any assemblence of integrity when I can't walk away with any? Even when this goes south, he will tell people he thought I was cheating. It's the second time I've been accused of that. How do I know he hadn't been and that's why he's so sure I am. Whatever. Not worth more of my time.

But this is over. From killing hamsters to policing me like a cross eyed psycho stalker, this man is sick and I want no part of it. There is no bandaid big enough to cover the wound in me now. Too bad. Two weeks ago I actually started to believe it could work. Now it's time to cut this part off and learn how to live alone.

Handcuffs

H has been working nights. It's awful and the only reason is because he's super clingy. I can't do anything without him following me around. Don't get me wrong, the company is nice but I see the way he looks at me and I know he wants more from me. Makes me very uncomfortable and I feel very unsafe. Especially when he tells me he's having trouble keeping it in his pants. I told him to go find a clean FWB. But he doesn't want to.

I find myself missing sex too but not with him. I don't know if it's because it's him and I'm angry or if it's because I want to screw around on my husband. Ugh. I even hate the sound of that. Husband and wife. It's like a curse for a lifetime of critiques, scrutiny and servitude. Ouch. I know it's not suppose to be like that.

H tells me he remembers all the good times and asks if I do. I ask him if he remembers the bad. He says not really because it was all him. Exactly. I remember good times. But there are a lot more bad memories. He tells me I need to focus on the good ones but he doesn't realize that they are good because I was being "good". I did what was expected of me to keep the peace. I did what I knew what would make him happy. It wasn't what I wanted, what I would have enjoyed....except for the art museum.

That was fun for me. But I had to stick by him. When I left his side he got pissy with me. But that's who I am. If I see something that interests me, my instinct is to go check it out. Not stand from afar and look. Or wait for him to get there. That's the child like heart in me that I love to nurture and constantly stuff in a box for him. Even now.

I have to fight the urge to be reckless. I'm trying so hard to do things right. But in my head and heart I wrestle. The immorality of a divorce plagues my thoughts. I can make this work if H stays how he has been... Outside of the occasional slip. But do I want to? No. I don't. I know I don't. But should I? Should I keep in this marriage because it is manageable? Is that what God would want?

Then on the other hand, when researching marriage, God intended it to be an example of Christ's love and relationship with his people. God being represented by the man and how he treats his wife and the wife representing his people and how we should respond to God's love. I have the privilege of knowing a couple who do that better than anyone I've ever known. Otherwise, the world appears to be stuck in a rut of what it expected and what they really want or need. Like me.

I know I've said I'd never get married again. Honestly that's not true. I would. I want to be in love. I want to be in a relationship that goes two ways. I want to find a man that sees me for who I am and doesn't want to change, fix or help me but wants to live it with me. That's all. I just want a companion. Someone to play music with, someone to putz on the yard with, someone to have bonfires, drink a few beers, go for a run with, hang out with friends with, laugh with, eat with, sleep with. I want to be with a man who sees my service as a gift and is grateful, not take advantage of. I want a man who I trust with every horrible memory and every tear drop.

It would certainly help with my healing to have someone to share with that I trusted completely and didn't turn it around and make it about him. A man who would let me be there for him as well, that would let me hold him when he needed it and let me hear his heart and his memories. Someone I could relate to; has smilar growing up experiences as well as the same issues in their marriage. I don't know. God knows though. I just know what I think.

Can I trust my thinking? I don't know. Perhaps. I'd like to think I'm doing ok but maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm still seeing through the eyes of a wounded child who is desperate for love. Real love. Not sex. Not abuse. Not control but love. And yet if I found it, would I be able to stay in that place?

I don't know. If I was K and G was my husband, I'd struggle with being worthy of the kind of love he has for me. His love is so selfless, kind, gentle, passionate, and pure. It would take me time to adjust and trust someone like that. But I'd love the chance to try it.

Sometimes I think my guy friend L would be a good fit for me. Like he was introduced to our group while I was gone for that reason. There is no other way I would have met him. But he is also friends with H so that could never happen. And I wouldn't want to jeopardize our team by messing with that dynamic. But I think it's the idea of him. He's so non judgemental, he's kind, he is fun and silly, he's friends with my friends, he knows abuse and control. He also has a lot of the same interests as me so it would be easy to be friends with him when husband and wife wasn't going so well. But again, probably not him specifically but a person like him. Then again God does strange things. L can feel me when I'm close. That's so weird.

I have to tell you about this. I took my daughter driving and we ended up turning around at the end of his driveway. His driveway is long so he didnt know we had done that. It was 850 pm. The next day he emails and says he was thinking about me the evening before. I mention we were at the end of his driveway just before 9 and he freaks out because it was the exact time and it was overwhelming for him. Talk about strange. I feel people all the time, like their emotions but not proximity like that. I wouldn't be able to walk through a crowded mall and be drawn to somebody like that. But I guess he can. At least with me.

But anyway, I'm not going to allow my desire to be loved the way I deserve to be interfere with God's plan. I assume that's God's plan for me too but is it with H? I don't think so but I'm not arrogant enough to think I can predict God. I'm also very aware that God gives us free will to behave the way we want. So even if the plan was meant to be with H, has that planned changed? I don't know. I guess I just keep taking it one day at a time and hope I don't screw up my life too bad. I'm tired of wearing these cuffs.

Searching for lies

I find myself struggling tonight. Today was the way I thought it would be. He acted normal, trying to hold on and when that didnt work, he got pouty.

Imagine this, we are at a soccer game and I'm visiting with all the Moms I haven't seen since last year and suddenly H slowly stumbles backwards and sits down on the ground. People are asking him if he's ok and he tells them to get me. I go to him and he says he needs to go to the car. I walk him to the car and planned to head back to watch the game when he stops me and starts fussing about why I didn't notice him on the ground. Do I even care about him? Am I so selfish and wrapped up in the kids I can't take ten minutes to see how he's doing?

I was astonished. That is old behavior at it's best. I told him I was going back to the game so he follows me, continuing to ask dumb questions when I finally said, we are here for our daughter. She only asks for 1 hour to watch her play and that's what I'm going to do. He shut up but was still pouty. When I got back to the bleachers, I found out I missed my daughter score off a corner kick. Grr!

The rest of the evening he was needy, following me around like a puppy. Apologetic for the outburst earlier in the day. Conveniently, he didn't remember saying those things, he was feeling so horrible but there was nothing wrong with him. If he was one of my kids I would have called him out on his dramatics and not put up with it. But I was tired and didn't want to deal with it so I didn't confront him again.

I wonder why I do that. I know it's partially because I am afraid of his reactions because of the crap he's put me through in the past, however there's a part of me that wonders if I'm sabotaging this. Am I making sure he stays the bad guy by not communicating? Part of me feels like I shouldn't have to tell him how to behave like an adult. It's not my job to babysit him. He's a grown up and should work on fixing his own issues. I've got too many of my own to focus on.

Perhaps I'm sabotaging our relationship, already given up and just doing the time because I said I would. Perhaps I don't want this to work at all so I'm not putting effort into it. I don't know. But I know I feel like I'm enabling when I give away time meant for my daughter because he's throwing a tantrum. I know that the manipulative mind games are real even if he doesn't see how sick it is. I know that I can't keep this up. Pretending to be ok when I'm not. I struggle so much.

I love him as a friend and would absolutely care if he lives or dies. I absolutely care if he has a stroke or heart attack. I care if he's anxious or panicked. I care if he sad. I want to hug him when he needs one and I want to hold him when he needs to be held. But how do I do that when I'm trying to not be married to the man?

I don't know how to be his friend as his wife. Those two lines don't cross for us. We make great friends, I see the man he can be. But we can't live together. I can't be so emotionally wrapped up in him that I can't take care of myself. I can't be his savior. Jesus needs to be and I'm not arrogant enough to think I can remotely be that person in H's life. I want him to be ok and I want him to be happy and despite how he thinks I make him happy, we play these stupid games that suck the life out of both of us. It's not healthy for either one of us. But he thinks it works and needs it to be that way. I get it, but I don't want to participate in it anymore. So now what?

How do I hang on for a year feeling like this? Is it even possible for him to earn back enough trust for me to put forth more effort? I have been holding this thing together for so many years, I don't want to put anymore into it. Why did he have to decide now that he finally wanted to participate in our life? And if I can't trust, and there is nothing left, why keep the misery going? What keeps me holding on when it seems to me there is nothing good to hold on to? Guess I'd better keep pondering that one because I really need to know the answer to that. I need to know what it is in me that can't just do what I need to do. I need to know what lie I've been telling myself to keep going. Then I can find my truth and change. But I'm not sure I can block out a lifetime of lies even though I know I need to.

One day at a time

Well we have practice tonight. I'm a little nervous about it. He's been good but when I asked my daughter about how she felt, she said he still gives her looks when I'm not looking.

That's what I'm afraid of. Will he just mask his true feelings but they fester underneath like a volcano waiting to explode?

=====================================

I wrote that last night. Never got enough time alone to finish it. Practice went well or so I thought. It was fun, H didn't seem to lose his temper or get annoyed, he even laughed a little. It was good. Then we left and although his delivery was better, he felt like I was ignoring him and not treating him like everyone else. He might be right.

He's been taking luxuries with me that has made me very uncomfortable. Extra touchy feely, wanting deep kisses, grabbing me. So I probably did stay away from him a little. I don't like to show a lot of PDA (Public Displays of Affection) as it is. I don't want to in front of friends at all. It's just weird. Maybe if it was with someone I was madly in love with, I'd be okay with pecks, lingering hugs, sitting on his lap and stuff like that. But not usually my style. Shame I'm sure. And with H I don't want to lead him on or give him permissions I shouldn't. Sadly I already had and didn't realize it.

I woke up a little before 5am with his hands down my pants, my shirt hiked up above my breasts, and him rubbing away. WTF. I'm a hard sleeper. At first I didn't realize what was going on. As I got my feet underneath me, I panicked. Just laid there for a minute or two frozen, afraid, unsure what to do. I didn't say anything or let on that I was up but I did yank his hand away and roll over. He then apologized and said he was sleeping. Ya sleeping....I told him he was full of shit and just as awake as I was and he needed to leave.

Of course he didn't leave like I asked. He tried to hold me, made a bunch of excuses, kissed my neck. Again I'm having a PTSD moment where I'm frozen, can't say much and still a bit out of it because the time of day. Finally got up the courage to leave and have a smoke, he followed, talking the whole time, excuse after excuse of why he thought it would be ok to take advantage of a sleeping woman with a history of sexual abuse in her past. I was hearing things like we are married, I used to be okay with it, he was horny, I didn't stop him in my sleep, etc. All lame.

After the smoke I asked him if he wanted his pillow, implying I wasn't allowing him back in my bed. He asked if he could just sleep on the floor. I'm still afraid and disoriented at this point so I say fine. When he gets to the room he lays down on the bed next to me. I let it go again and told him not to touch me. He didn't and got up shortly after. Then I fell back asleep until just a moment or two ago.

H came in and woke me up saying he thought I would like an hour or so before we have to leave for my daughter's soccer game and then proceeded to tell me that he's not going to live in shame, he messed up, he will keep messing up and he's ok with it. Phew! Glad we got that figured out. What a relief (sarcasm). So glad he woke me up to tell me that. NOT! Grr! Then he tells me he's going to wake the kids. I told him not to. This was his idea, not theirs and to leave them alone. Whether he did or not, I don't know. I'll find out later but the ugly is coming back and I wasn't ready for it at all. Mad at myself for that.

I shouldn't have been so willing to accept his changes in such a short time, I shouldn't have allowed a normal bad day in the life of children spook me into an emotional place that I wasn't ready for, I should have trusted myself enough to stick to my guns and not allowed myself in the compromising position I was in earlier today. But I did and I'm still scared on the inside. Talk about reverting back to being a kid.

I feel helpless, powerless, fearful, sad, trapped, scared, lost, confused, ashamed, and darn near suicidal. And now I get to spend the day putting on a happy face and dealing with H who clearly has no idea the psychological impact his actions have had on me and me vulnerable and without ability to function in a way to protect myself like I need to. Hopefully Mama Bear will come out because I don't know how to deal with this. It's a lot to bite off. I just hope the memories don't flood when I'm suppose to be focused on a soccer game. That would suck. So wish me luck world, it's gonna be a LONG day...

Spew

It's been several days since I've written. Mostly because I just have had so much to write about I wasn't sure where to start. That and the weekend didn't allow me the opportunity to write like I usually try to. So I'm going to recap what's been happening with my personal commentary about it. I have no idea where this is going to go.

The weekend went well. The kids were at their Dad's house and C went to her aunt's. It was just H and I which always goes well because he gets undivided attention. Just the way he likes it. However with that being said, he certainly seems to be making changes. He's much more humble and trying very hard to not control things. It's awkward because I don't really know how to deal with it and yet it was very nice. We were friends this weekend. We still slept apart but we did a lot together and it was good until C came home Sunday afternoon.

She came home her aunt had attached 3 spirit guides to her. That was fun to deal with. Not that I'm a stranger to Spiritual Warfare but not something you expect to deal with. What was impressive was that H prayed with me and afterwards, he anointed the property. He has never done that. I've always been the one to pray for a protective hedge around our home and yard. I was surprised when he brought it up and even more surprised when he asked me to teach him how. Again, giving up control for him...hopefully it's growth.

Then Monday came along and it was normal, Tuesday it hit the fan again. The girls were all accused of cheating. That never happens. They wouldn't do that. Well I'm not totally delusional that it couldn't but it would have been very out of character for them. But the accusations were there nonetheless and they were upset. C cut herself that evening when H and I went to the grocery store. That made me feel like we weren't spiritually covered and that H and I needed to be sleeping in the same bed and I needed to put a ring back on my finger. So when we went to Super Wal-Mart, we bought me a plain band to wear.

I struggle with this. I'm glad I'm not wearing my wedding ring but I'm still wearing something. It feels like ownership to me. I feel owned. Like this ring tells the world that I'm the property of H. I shouldn't feel that way but I do. I don't think I'm ready to accept the situation as it is yet but since we have gotten back "together" the kids seem to be protected again. Our life settled down and has been more normal.

I can't help but wonder if I have allowed myself to feel guilty for something that is just a normal bump in the road. H has been great and he's been consistent with his changes thus far. I am starting to believe it could be a new way of life for him but was this God's plan for me to accept him back into our bed and my life in order to protect our kids? I don't know. I don't feel good about it. He's been all lovey dovey and wanting to kiss and hug me all the time, I let him but don't like it. I'm back to trying to fake it because I don't want him to feel bad. He has been working hard, I see that. So I feel like I need to recognize and acknowledge it by being more of a wife to him.

That sucks. I'm just placating the situation again... What is it about me that makes me do this? I'm comfortable giving to people. I want everyone around me to know they are loved. And I'm willing to do it at my expense. Now what?

Can I go back to separated? Will the kids be affected? Will H be so broken that he reverts to his old ways? Have I just sentenced myself again, this time willingly, to a lifetime with someone I'm not in love with because I felt like it was best for my kids? Because I wanted him to know the good work that has been started in him is noticed? How annoying. I confuse myself. I have no business being married or even in a relationship with someone. I'm a mess and I met with my new therapist yesterday and don't like her at all. I want J back. But he got moved to 50 miles away. Do I make the drive once a week?

I might have to. No, not have to. I might want to. Okay, I can pull the word might out of that sentence. I want to. It was such a relief to get paired up with him in the first place. Finally someone that isn't a career therapist and has been around the block a time or two. Funny how you know immediately if the person sitting across from you is genuine or not. Let me revisit that a sec. R who I met with yesterday I'm sure was genuine and she was probably good at her job. However I knew I wasn't going to be able to relate to her. She had all the right words and a lot to say. And all her words were clinical and textbook. Which is probably calming for most. For me, it's alarming. I've had enough education that I'm not impressed by the lingo and jargon of the field. I don't need to be impressed by your knowledge of your job. I need you to listen and guide me. She would definitely do that but in a way that rubs me the wrong way. Maybe because she's a woman. I certainly relate better to men. Maybe because it felt like she was finding ways to push me off to a group instead of one on one therapy. Maybe she just doesn't understand the problem. Maybe she was just too arrogant. I don't know but it's not going to work out with her. Something I'm going to need to resolve sooner than later, but not today.

Well that's my spew for today. I really don't have anything solved but at least it's out there. And just in time for another weekend. I got my laptop back from daughter #3 so I should be able to start blogging weekends even if I do it when I'm on the toilet. I need to do it. It helps. Guess we will see what tomorrow brings...

His and hers sparkly shoes

He bought himself some sparkly shoes. He said he would wear them when I wore mine. He wanted to show me he supports me and who I am. Sparkly shoes and all.

At first I laughed. It was funny to see sparkly shoes on him. But as it's been sinking in, if he's serious, I'm pissed off. I don't want him to change himself for me. I just want to be ok as myself.

But what if he is sparkly shoe kind of guy? Does it even matter? Do I care? I want to say I don't because I'm done but there is a small piece of me that wants this to work. I don't want to give up. I want him to be the guy he is trying to be.
But I cannot allow myself that hope. I cannot afford to do that. I'd like to but it's a place I've gone over and over again, only to be burned. And that's just with him. If I were to transfer the rest of my life onto him, then there's no chance.

I can't scapegoat him. I can't allow him to be held responsible for a lifetime of abuse. I can't let him be a martyr because I'm fed up with crappy behavior. And yet I get concerned that I might be doing that. Is there anything he can do to make things better? Is sparkly shoes enough?

I think it's sweet he wants to show me that support. I think it's nice that he's trying to do the little things that mean so much. I think he is desperate and really wants us to work. But do I?

I'm not sure. So I'll see what happens with the sparkly shoes. Maybe they will be a part of his personality, maybe not. The only thing I know for sure is that they are a part of mine.

Curveball

Of course I just couldn't be allowed to stay in my empowered state. Grr. Hate how life throws you curve balls. I'm not even going to get into the visit with my dad today. Maybe tomorrow or later as it sinks in. Short version though, he made me doubt myself.

He shared with me the benefit of his divine wisdom (sarcasm) and how to continue to enable an abuser in a marriage. Naturally he wouldn't say that but that's all I heard. How he was able to stay married to my mom for over 30 years because these were the tactics he used. Hmm...last week he said he was glad I'm standing strong and wants me to have a life he didn't. I can't keep up. He doesn't know what he's doing anymore than I do.

What I did want to address is that I came home to H having another "revelation". He said God told him that waiting a year is stupid and that H will be fixed in 2 months. Lol, seriously. So if in 2 months I don't feel H has changed enough for me to take him back, he will walk away with only a car and some clothes. I'm just not even sure what is happening. It's one of the most bizarre conversations I've had with my husband. All I could do is stand there and say "uhhhh huhhhh". I did not agree to it but I didn't say no either.

It poses some interesting questions for me to ponder. Would I believe any change is sincere if it has only been 2 months? If I give up the ground I have made and in 4 months it's the same ol' have I recommitted myself to a lifetime of regret for backing down from what I believe in?

I know he says he loves me and is willing to do anything to keep us together. He thinks that by dumping everything on my lap is the answer. I'm glad for the financial control but he's removed himself from any responsibility of the house now too. I'm in charge of money, maintenance, repairs, yard work, and such. All things I was preparing to take over...in a year. I don't even have a job. But now it's all on me. He says so I know what it feels like to be in charge. I told him I don't want to be in charge. I want a marriage. This is his way of showing me that he's willing to sacrifice anything to keep us together. Lucky me.

So now I'm going to go back to dredging through months of bills to see what's been paid and hasn't been, what the monthly budget is minus the Lexus, figure out when things are due and how much, then I'll have a good idea what kind of job I need to look for. Hopefully it isn't selling myself on the street corner. JK! :)