I haven't posted in over a month. Some of it is because I had allowed myself to be so consumed with relational stuff I got tired of the same questions going around and around in my head. The other part is that I've been a little depressed because of my injured knee. I'm happy to say my knee is healing well and I think I'm going to avoid surgery. Yay!!!
I got to the point of surrender with my relationship with H. I wasn't getting answers and with or without him was going to work. There wasn't a best case scenario. So I finally told God. Whatever you want... His response was a quick picture in my brain. A 3 second clip of the Warner Bros Coyote chasing the road runner. As I processed that, I started to see all the attempts Wiley made to catch the roadrunner. I immediately understood that was me and my husband. H trying anything he can to catch me. Me running, playing emotional games, never truly committing.
Then I say to God, but he left. And I heard "meep, meep" in the familiar WB Roadrunner tone and again I understood. He gets tired of the chase and I re-engage him. All it takes is for me to pop up in his face, meep at him and the chase is on.
At this point, I find myself getting a little defensive. The word "but" starts to form but before it makes it out I am shut down. It was my cue to listen. As I surrendered, I suddenly began to get more. I saw the pain I was causing him. All the fears I had expressed about not being attractive, not making it alone in the future, not feeling loved. I saw how I was and just wasn't able to see it. I saw how my fears have rules my past, present and potential future.
Then God took me to my unforgivness, resentments and bitterness. I saw how I made most of it up because of my fear. I needed him to be the bad guy so I could justify my own insecurities. True, he has hit me. True, he has controlled me. True, he has been jealous. But he has never wavered on his love for me. I always have. He hasn't laid a hand on me in years. His underlying anger has disappeared. He has been humbling himself and doing whatever he can to make things right. Nothing I've acknowledged nor supported other than my occasional meep.
There are still new boundaries on this journey. But what was most amazing about surrendering and spending time with God was the healing that has taken place. God showed me the man H is and He showed me that H can't be that man until I'm steady. H has done his time. He has repented. God is working in him and it's time for me to stop putting faith in what I think I know and start living the way I know how.
After eating crow and apologizing for the years of pain that I have caused my husband, we had a wonderful talk and an understanding. He would control and be jealous when he thought he had caught me out of fear of losing me. I calmed those fears. Showed him a heart he knew was there but has never seen and he didn't run like I was sure he would. He stood there and told me I am beautiful. Still makes me cry when I talk about it. For the first time I believed him. Oh he probably meant it before, I just couldn't hear him. But now I do.
I'm not naive enough to think from here on its going to be a bed of roses. However without the doubt and anger, we stand a much better chance and I feel better knowing I'm more clear headed about it all.
I don't know how much I'm going to be able to write. Even though I'm not working, I'm staying busy. I'm excited to say our team wants to start our own ministry at our church! It might be a lot of work but it's the good kind of work. The kind where I spend several hours a day in prayer so that God can speak and direct our steps. Its work to shut off the brain. It's peaceful and amazing to be in His presence.
In the meantime, I will daily surrender my inner Roadrunner so she and the Coyote can live happily ever after... :)
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