Weeds

My Dad has been coming over and working on the lawn. Today when I got outside he spouted off at me about how it's a mess and if he had to guess, he would say a couple of addicts live here. Yup. Seriously.

Now I'm not exactly sure how weeds correlate with addiction but he went on to talk about how both h and I need a 12 step group so we have accountability. I said I would consider it. However it's not unusual for my Dad to go off half-cocked if something is bothering him. What is bothering him, I don't know. I gave him permission to not putz on the yard but ya know, he is OCD sometimes so I just let him go. Yet I wonder what his accountability comment was about.

If it's about the yard, he's right. I haven't weeded the flower beds lately. Nor trimmed trees. In my defense h gets angry and defensive because it's "man's" work so I don't. But I don't have to let it stop me.

If he's talking metaphorically. He's absolutely right but who of us doesn't have weeds that need to be pulled? I know I do and I know I haven't been working on them like I should. A 12 step group for addiction? I don't know. Seems a little extreme considering I'm addicted to cigarettes. Maybe he's trying to tell me to quit smoking.

And yet, if I were to define the "weeds" in my life it would be easy. I just don't know what to do with them. I pull them out but they lay in a pile and re-seed themselves. Not good and I know it. Starting with resentments. I'm angry at both my mom and dad, at h, at myself, at my church, my abusers, my ex and his new wife. There is even some towards my children and definitely towards my step kids. And finally, I'm sure I am angry with God for some of the tragedies in my life I feel He could have stopped.

Underneath the anger is deep sadness, betrayal, pain, grief, hurt, loss and a deep well of tears I have yet to shed. Tears hungry for that safe place to let them go. But I have noticed I'm afraid to face them alone. I wish I trusted h with my heart. I don't. If I were to trust k, g, t or l with it then h would not only be mad at me but then as well. Maybe these days alone are when I try to go there, even if I'm alone. I don't know.

I do know that those tears and sadness are a trigger for panic and my fear of abandonment to rear its ugly head. That's why I don't want to go down that road alone. 

As a woman, I imagine there is nothing more comforting than being in the arms of your man. Where he holds you and you don't have to watch your back because he's got it. Where you don't have to fear what's in front of you because he is guarding. Where you can stop and rest and he's with you. Wholly, completely and fully.

Maybe that's what it will take. Find someone to take the weeds once I've pulled them and throw them away. Theoretically, God should be that person and He is and yet the human side of me needs a soul mate to hold on to through that journey.

Until then, I guess I'll keep leaking and pull the weeds from the top knowing they will be back and hoping God will find me worthy of the kind of love I seek from a man.