Curveball

Of course I just couldn't be allowed to stay in my empowered state. Grr. Hate how life throws you curve balls. I'm not even going to get into the visit with my dad today. Maybe tomorrow or later as it sinks in. Short version though, he made me doubt myself.

He shared with me the benefit of his divine wisdom (sarcasm) and how to continue to enable an abuser in a marriage. Naturally he wouldn't say that but that's all I heard. How he was able to stay married to my mom for over 30 years because these were the tactics he used. Hmm...last week he said he was glad I'm standing strong and wants me to have a life he didn't. I can't keep up. He doesn't know what he's doing anymore than I do.

What I did want to address is that I came home to H having another "revelation". He said God told him that waiting a year is stupid and that H will be fixed in 2 months. Lol, seriously. So if in 2 months I don't feel H has changed enough for me to take him back, he will walk away with only a car and some clothes. I'm just not even sure what is happening. It's one of the most bizarre conversations I've had with my husband. All I could do is stand there and say "uhhhh huhhhh". I did not agree to it but I didn't say no either.

It poses some interesting questions for me to ponder. Would I believe any change is sincere if it has only been 2 months? If I give up the ground I have made and in 4 months it's the same ol' have I recommitted myself to a lifetime of regret for backing down from what I believe in?

I know he says he loves me and is willing to do anything to keep us together. He thinks that by dumping everything on my lap is the answer. I'm glad for the financial control but he's removed himself from any responsibility of the house now too. I'm in charge of money, maintenance, repairs, yard work, and such. All things I was preparing to take over...in a year. I don't even have a job. But now it's all on me. He says so I know what it feels like to be in charge. I told him I don't want to be in charge. I want a marriage. This is his way of showing me that he's willing to sacrifice anything to keep us together. Lucky me.

So now I'm going to go back to dredging through months of bills to see what's been paid and hasn't been, what the monthly budget is minus the Lexus, figure out when things are due and how much, then I'll have a good idea what kind of job I need to look for. Hopefully it isn't selling myself on the street corner. JK! :)