Brick Wall

I was suppose to go to my therapy appointment today. They moved him 40 miles away. I tried someone closer but didn't like her so I thought I could do the drive. I was wrong. My anxiety took over and the further away I got from home, the less I could breathe. My throat was closing, my chest heavy, my head spinning, my body flushing. I couldn't do it and I am so disappointed in myself.

He's texted me to ask if I'm running late and I can't bring myself to respond. I'm ashamed. How could I have been so naïve as to think that I could do this? What I find most perplexing is that I have no trouble driving my daughter 50 miles to her appointments. My girlfriend and I drove across nearly three states to attend her sisters funeral. Even just a few days ago, I drove to where K works and hung out there by myself and visited with her when she was available. But today, today I failed.

I feel like I have taken a step backwards. More than that actually. I feel like I've just rammed into a wall at full speed and have fallen flat on my back. I'm just laying here wondering when the wind is going to come back to me so I can get up. I haven't had this kind of anxiety in several weeks and I was hopeful it was over. I just don't understand why my brain must torture me like this.

I'm sure it has to do with feeling powerless. I suppose guilt and shame as well. I don't know. All I know is that some days it is exhausting. It takes so much energy just to function and I don't always know where it's coming from. I'm suppose to have band practice tonight and the thought of it is more than I can bear right now. Yet I know that my life has to go on. The kids will come home, there is dinner to prepare, I have one I need to pick up at noon, there's another I need to confront on some of her behaviors. So what now? I'm so disappointed and ashamed I'm having trouble staying upright. I want to go climb into bed and hide under the covers until tomorrow. At least I have tomorrow.

Tomorrow is a new day right? I can't predict or plan for tomorrow. I have to hold on to hope that it will be a better day. I can even hope that the rest of today will go better. But right now, I don't know if it will. I will shut down and try to focus on what tasks need to be done. A lifeless existence. One I had been trying to avoid. That's why therapy, that's why the meds, that's why the push to try to be a better person and improve my daily life. So I don't have to shut down, so I can have joy, peace, happiness, comfort and safety. Yet I find myself back in a place where I have to keep going...it's a perpetual circle of dysfunction and I want off this ride. How is that gonna happen when I keep failing? When I keep struggling with panic and anxiety? When I am paralyzed by shame?

My head hurts from running into this brick wall all the time...

Searching for lies

I find myself struggling tonight. Today was the way I thought it would be. He acted normal, trying to hold on and when that didnt work, he got pouty.

Imagine this, we are at a soccer game and I'm visiting with all the Moms I haven't seen since last year and suddenly H slowly stumbles backwards and sits down on the ground. People are asking him if he's ok and he tells them to get me. I go to him and he says he needs to go to the car. I walk him to the car and planned to head back to watch the game when he stops me and starts fussing about why I didn't notice him on the ground. Do I even care about him? Am I so selfish and wrapped up in the kids I can't take ten minutes to see how he's doing?

I was astonished. That is old behavior at it's best. I told him I was going back to the game so he follows me, continuing to ask dumb questions when I finally said, we are here for our daughter. She only asks for 1 hour to watch her play and that's what I'm going to do. He shut up but was still pouty. When I got back to the bleachers, I found out I missed my daughter score off a corner kick. Grr!

The rest of the evening he was needy, following me around like a puppy. Apologetic for the outburst earlier in the day. Conveniently, he didn't remember saying those things, he was feeling so horrible but there was nothing wrong with him. If he was one of my kids I would have called him out on his dramatics and not put up with it. But I was tired and didn't want to deal with it so I didn't confront him again.

I wonder why I do that. I know it's partially because I am afraid of his reactions because of the crap he's put me through in the past, however there's a part of me that wonders if I'm sabotaging this. Am I making sure he stays the bad guy by not communicating? Part of me feels like I shouldn't have to tell him how to behave like an adult. It's not my job to babysit him. He's a grown up and should work on fixing his own issues. I've got too many of my own to focus on.

Perhaps I'm sabotaging our relationship, already given up and just doing the time because I said I would. Perhaps I don't want this to work at all so I'm not putting effort into it. I don't know. But I know I feel like I'm enabling when I give away time meant for my daughter because he's throwing a tantrum. I know that the manipulative mind games are real even if he doesn't see how sick it is. I know that I can't keep this up. Pretending to be ok when I'm not. I struggle so much.

I love him as a friend and would absolutely care if he lives or dies. I absolutely care if he has a stroke or heart attack. I care if he's anxious or panicked. I care if he sad. I want to hug him when he needs one and I want to hold him when he needs to be held. But how do I do that when I'm trying to not be married to the man?

I don't know how to be his friend as his wife. Those two lines don't cross for us. We make great friends, I see the man he can be. But we can't live together. I can't be so emotionally wrapped up in him that I can't take care of myself. I can't be his savior. Jesus needs to be and I'm not arrogant enough to think I can remotely be that person in H's life. I want him to be ok and I want him to be happy and despite how he thinks I make him happy, we play these stupid games that suck the life out of both of us. It's not healthy for either one of us. But he thinks it works and needs it to be that way. I get it, but I don't want to participate in it anymore. So now what?

How do I hang on for a year feeling like this? Is it even possible for him to earn back enough trust for me to put forth more effort? I have been holding this thing together for so many years, I don't want to put anymore into it. Why did he have to decide now that he finally wanted to participate in our life? And if I can't trust, and there is nothing left, why keep the misery going? What keeps me holding on when it seems to me there is nothing good to hold on to? Guess I'd better keep pondering that one because I really need to know the answer to that. I need to know what it is in me that can't just do what I need to do. I need to know what lie I've been telling myself to keep going. Then I can find my truth and change. But I'm not sure I can block out a lifetime of lies even though I know I need to.

Curveball

Of course I just couldn't be allowed to stay in my empowered state. Grr. Hate how life throws you curve balls. I'm not even going to get into the visit with my dad today. Maybe tomorrow or later as it sinks in. Short version though, he made me doubt myself.

He shared with me the benefit of his divine wisdom (sarcasm) and how to continue to enable an abuser in a marriage. Naturally he wouldn't say that but that's all I heard. How he was able to stay married to my mom for over 30 years because these were the tactics he used. Hmm...last week he said he was glad I'm standing strong and wants me to have a life he didn't. I can't keep up. He doesn't know what he's doing anymore than I do.

What I did want to address is that I came home to H having another "revelation". He said God told him that waiting a year is stupid and that H will be fixed in 2 months. Lol, seriously. So if in 2 months I don't feel H has changed enough for me to take him back, he will walk away with only a car and some clothes. I'm just not even sure what is happening. It's one of the most bizarre conversations I've had with my husband. All I could do is stand there and say "uhhhh huhhhh". I did not agree to it but I didn't say no either.

It poses some interesting questions for me to ponder. Would I believe any change is sincere if it has only been 2 months? If I give up the ground I have made and in 4 months it's the same ol' have I recommitted myself to a lifetime of regret for backing down from what I believe in?

I know he says he loves me and is willing to do anything to keep us together. He thinks that by dumping everything on my lap is the answer. I'm glad for the financial control but he's removed himself from any responsibility of the house now too. I'm in charge of money, maintenance, repairs, yard work, and such. All things I was preparing to take over...in a year. I don't even have a job. But now it's all on me. He says so I know what it feels like to be in charge. I told him I don't want to be in charge. I want a marriage. This is his way of showing me that he's willing to sacrifice anything to keep us together. Lucky me.

So now I'm going to go back to dredging through months of bills to see what's been paid and hasn't been, what the monthly budget is minus the Lexus, figure out when things are due and how much, then I'll have a good idea what kind of job I need to look for. Hopefully it isn't selling myself on the street corner. JK! :)