Amoeba Woman

I'm going away this weekend. I'm looking forward to the time alone. Its something I used to do every 3 months or so just to keep my head on straight and manage my feelings. I've never lived in a situation where I have the luxury of being okay with being vulnerable around my family. That's sad to me because it should be that way. I think of home as a sanctuary but it's not.

I am so jealous of those that get their home to be their away places. Maybe I'm delusional but I feel like I should be able to cry in front of my spouse. I should be able to break down and he will take care of the kids, house, pets, whatever it is while I'm having my "moment". I should expect to be able to cry on his shoulder and not have to fear the repercussions or have it turned around into all about him. I cannot tell you how desperately I want that. I'm actually a little pouty about it. What the hell...why hasn't it been that way?

I know why it hasn't been that way. Its because I haven't been honest with anyone around me especially not men I'm in a relationship with. Not that I don't want to be but the past has had such a hold on me, that I have been an amoeba. I change color and shape with the needs of my partner. All to make sure they stay happy. Meanwhile I'm not being true to myself. That's the kind of stuff I told H last night.

He came home from work pissed off about it too. He has every right. What he thought was genuine feelings between us was me trying to make everyone around me happy. He felt it. I didn't. He really didn't understand that before. I tried to tell him but he wouldn't listen. I made him listen. He needs to hear me. I suppose I shouldn't care so much but I do.

I care because I want him to be okay after the divorce. Stupid right? But this is all my fault. Yes he had his issues however I have never been honest with him like I have been lately. That's because I'm figuring out who I am and liking what I am finding. Mostly anyway... But I want him to walk away knowing it wasn't him. He has issues like any of us but the core issue that makes this not work it on me. I wasn't me.

Of course then he tells me he loves me anyway, forgives me and asks if he would be so horrible to live with. I just ignore the question and change the subject. The truth is no, he wouldn't be if the changes he's made recently are real. However, as I keep telling him, what I don't know is if I'm going to be able to let go all of the crap that has happened. His actions on top of my history and left very deep wounds that will scar when they heal. I will be wounded and I don't think I can ever allow myself to be in that place of vulnerability again. At least not with him. Truthfully in therapy, I just want to be able to go there with someone sometime and as me. Not the person my parents tried to force me to be, not the person I constantly changed to be to make those around me happy, but me.

I have a friend who is insistent that he is not worth knowing. It makes me sad that he would feel that way and yet I can relate. I often wonder why people would bother with me. I'm a mess. I don't mean that in a feel sorry for me way but more in my head way. I don't see myself yet the way others see me. I know I will someday but at least that's what I'm looking for. S doesn't believe there is anything for anyone to see. I will keep praying for him.

Anyway, back to the point. The days of me being wishy-washy with who I am and what I believe in are gone. Now as I find myself, I'm going to hold on to it and if people don't like it, too bad. I like me. God doesn't make junk, and that includes me. :) It's a good day...

Storms

H and I had a really good talk tonight. He's accepting of the separation. He's not leaving but he's aware of our relationship status and that there are no guarantees. I laid it all out for him. All those things that's I've avoided saying so I didn't hurt him were said. All those secrets I've kept about the things that have hurt me over the years. He said it was like they all just came from nowhere. I'm sure it felt that way.

I finally said enough and now the dust is settling. I had been blinded by the life we were in. It was a whirlwind of emotion, abuse, anger, resentment but now that the twister has gone, we can see what damage has been done and what we are going to need to do to make it right.

There are some things that can be repaired. Things that were annoyances that are easy to compromise on. Things that in many cases, I took personally but weren't meant that way at all. I can tell him my feelings were hurt, accept an apology, forgive and move on.

Other things can be rebuilt. We can learn to be friends again. We can find common ground and take it from there. We can build on the foundation of God's love as brother and sister in Christ.

But some things are going to have to be replaced. What that is has yet to be determined. Some things just aren't worth investing time and energy into. Some things are. Some things have been destroyed by the storm to the degree that there is no choice but to buy a new one.

Buy. Huh what an interesting thought. Another way to say it would be invest. What is it we will invest in? Will we invest in a life together or a life apart? Will we invest in a marriage or friendship? I say we but truth is it's me. What am I willing to invest in?

He's already said he wants to invest in our home, our marriage, our future. You think I'd be happy to hear that but I'm not. You would think as a wife I'm relieved and glad but I'm not. I'm mortified at the idea. I do not believe he is worth investing anymore time in. Wait, I believe he is. I don't believe the marriage is. Because as long as he's in my face, I'm not going to be able to forgive. He thinks I can so he stays. He has been told otherwise by not just me but he refuses to listen. Then he also chooses the consequences.

Time will tell. One of the good things we talked about was the house. It is mine. He won't take it from me he said. I'm going to make him prove it by transferring the deed into my name only and signing a legal doc saying he won't but I'm hoping that he will stay true to his word. So that's one less thing I'm going to worry about as we settle in after the storm.

One thing about storms is that everything has been washed clean. It is fresh and the world rejuvenates. Once the dust settles and the clouds disappear, we get to start again. In the meantime, it's time for me to take inventory and decide what is going to need to be repaired, rebuilt, and replaced.

His and hers sparkly shoes

He bought himself some sparkly shoes. He said he would wear them when I wore mine. He wanted to show me he supports me and who I am. Sparkly shoes and all.

At first I laughed. It was funny to see sparkly shoes on him. But as it's been sinking in, if he's serious, I'm pissed off. I don't want him to change himself for me. I just want to be ok as myself.

But what if he is sparkly shoe kind of guy? Does it even matter? Do I care? I want to say I don't because I'm done but there is a small piece of me that wants this to work. I don't want to give up. I want him to be the guy he is trying to be.
But I cannot allow myself that hope. I cannot afford to do that. I'd like to but it's a place I've gone over and over again, only to be burned. And that's just with him. If I were to transfer the rest of my life onto him, then there's no chance.

I can't scapegoat him. I can't allow him to be held responsible for a lifetime of abuse. I can't let him be a martyr because I'm fed up with crappy behavior. And yet I get concerned that I might be doing that. Is there anything he can do to make things better? Is sparkly shoes enough?

I think it's sweet he wants to show me that support. I think it's nice that he's trying to do the little things that mean so much. I think he is desperate and really wants us to work. But do I?

I'm not sure. So I'll see what happens with the sparkly shoes. Maybe they will be a part of his personality, maybe not. The only thing I know for sure is that they are a part of mine.

Band aid?

So today was actually ok outside of the stupid conversation we had today. What I forgot to mention is that he took my wedding ring from me on Saturday. More punishments. Not that I should care but that's my back up plan. It's been appraised at $8,000. I could get at least half of that. It would buy me time and give me money to get us out of this financial bind we are in.

He refused to file taxes for this year so we are illegal right now. We are behind in our house insurance, we owe our energy company almost $2000 from the winter, besides the Lexus payments and the insurance for it. Oh ya and he spent any money I had set aside to pay our property taxes which are due in may.

The ring won't cover it all but it will help. I still have to find a job and to make our monthly bills manageable I have to get us caught up. He keeps digging us in the hole. I think because he plans to take equity out of the house to get caught up. But I won't let him do that so it's going to be just another fight.

I'm so tired of fighting. I needed to nap today because I hardly slept at all last night but didn't want to be in our room, in our bed so I went to the guest room. I think that's where I'm going to be from now on. Until I can have the courage to ask him to go.

Maybe it will make things manageable for now so I can make it another 399 days to next June. But I know we wont. Why I keep hanging on I don't know. I think it's the bandaid principal. I'm usually a rip it off kind of person but in this situation I'm trying to soak it so it just falls off on it's own. Ugh.

Partially I'm doing that because my therapist has reminded me there are more than just two solutions. There might be an option that works better than getting divorced. I just don't know if I care about any other option. I should to be fair but really is it about fair? Who am I being fair to?

Me? My friends and kids would tell you I'm not taking care of me. And I know I should be. And I agree with them. I'm waiting for him. Because I want him to be ok. That's pretty naive of me to think he will be ok with this. Like somehow he will just say, "yes Amy you're right. We should be done.". And yet I totally expect that. I totally think I can make it happen.

Make it happen. How manipulative. I can make it happen. How stupid. I can't make it happen the way I want it. It's a control thing. I need to give up control on how this happens and just focus on the outcome. I want to be happy again. I want to trust. I want mutual care and attention. I want peace, joy, hope. That can happen with him hanging around but it wouldn't be easy and I hate how my kids are being affected. I hate how I'm being affected. It's like living with an alcoholic. I can lovingly detach and make it work or I can end it and have it over.

I want it over. I cannot handle the control. I do not deserve to be treated this way. My kids, family and friends do not deserve to see me treated this way. If there was love between him and I, I would do anything I could to make this work. But I'm holding on to something that never had what it should have in the first place. No love. It's always been controlled. To the actual extent, I'm finding out daily but none of it changes the fact this isn't meant to be.

Then again, maybe I'm having a midlife crisis.

Soar

I didn't write yesterday because there was so much going through my head I just didn't even know how to put things down on paper. Or virtual paper I guess. I met with my Dad and in the true spirit of honesty, I laid out what has been happening with my husband and I. I told him about the deadline I had set, told him about the control issues, told him about how the kids want nothing to do with him anymore. My Dad is a pastor so I was expecting a pastoral response about honoring God and my commitment to him through marriage and those kinds of things. What I got was totally a surprise.

Dad acknowledged the control. He has seen it. He admitted that he was a part of the control early on before H and I got married because he was a part of pushing me to marry H. He said that he was also controlled by H in because H was saying he wouldn't wait any longer for me to make up my mind and so my parents pushed, H pushed and I gave in. Dad also was shocked at the change of heart, how determined I am to be healthier and no longer live controlled. He asked what happened.

I told him how K would ask me if I was okay after H would get on me at practices. I told him how G said he knows H loves me but doesn't seem to like me. I told him how the girls said they don't think H likes them either. Then he said to me "that was an act of God". He thought that I would stay in this place and continue to placate the situation like he did. He thought that H dying was going to be the only way that this could get better. He thought I was going to continue a family pattern of abusive and controlling marriages. And he was relieved.

He told me how he would have made changes in his life had he been strong enough. He told me that living a lifetime with a controlling partner is the worst choice he had ever made. He told me that when he looks back at how it was for us kids growing up, he feels guilt and shame. I was stunned. He had never admitted that before and I asked how he came to that realization. He said it took my Mom's death and him actually being free to realize how imprisoned he really was.

I cannot adequately express the relief and joy I felt hearing him say that. Joy! Like real JOY! Some of it was that I wanted his support and didn't dare to hope that I would get it because of his standing in the church. The other part was hearing from someone on the other side who didn't move, was rescued from his situation by God himself and has come out with blessings he didn't even know could be. It fed the hope I have of a better future of a life where I am not daily condemned or shamed or controlled. It helped me see that my hope is not futile nor the efforts I'm making now to improve my life worthless. There is a future in the direction I'm going. Even if I don't know what the future is going to be. I don't need to have a vision for myself any longer. I only need to keep God in the center of my vision and the rest will fall into place. I had to text my friends about it. Well K and G anyway. Almost accidently text L too but I'm working hard to respect those boundaries he set...or his wife set. Not really sure. But it doesn't matter. I am looking ahead!

I still am going to honor my agreement with H to wait until June 1, 2015 and going to move forward as if this isn't going to work out. But the pressure has been released. Having it affirmed by a man ordained by God that ending an unhappy marriage is okay has given me freedom. I will have my new beginning. I will change the patterns of abuse in my life. I will rise above where I'm at and how life is and it will be what God wants it to be. I believe in the Word of God and I believe in his promises of love, hope, joy, peace, safety, happiness, prosperity and health. Finally hearing that I am in God's graces in this is just what I needed to get ready to fly; cuz this bird is going to do more than fly, I'm going to soar!

Baby Steps

Well, I've had a chance to think about Easter day and how that went in regards to H. It was actually a good day. He got mad at me first thing because I wanted to dress up for church and he wanted to wear jeans. I didn't tell him he needed to dress up, he just felt obligated because I was. But once the day played out, it was a decent day! In fact, I realized in reflecting about the day that I can be critical about him to our friends. I say things off the cuff that are true but not necessarily for the world to know about him. That's not cool. I'm going to work on that. I guess I am not above things slipping out sideways either. I'd like to think I'm better than that but naturally I am humbled. God does that a lot to me. Probably a good thing as I can be a snot but He does remind me that I'm not as strong, as put together, as organized, as stable as I like to think I am.

I have to give props to H as well because I drug him down to a friends house that he barely knows to hang out with her and her family which includes a set of 2 year old twins, a 4 year old, an 8 year old and her boyfriend. All in a 5 room, 2 bedroom upstairs apartment in the hood. Yes, they are black and yes I am white. Obviously not an issue because those are my friends but he's been a little sheltered. However he did great! Normally H is the kind of guy that if he's not having a good time he will make sure everyone around him knows it. He can't just keep it under wraps for the sake of those he is with. But yesterday, he did put on a happy face and handled it like a trooper. It was really nice. If he was upset or annoyed about it, he kept it to himself and I wasn't even noticing it. I am really glad to see a positive change. Even if it was just for Easter, it was a nice Easter because of it. I appreciate the gesture a lot.

What I've also noticed in reflecting about the day is that even though he gets mad at me a lot, I don't really let it stop me unless he throws a major fit. A little tantrum doesn't even phase me. I let him have his say and keep going about my way. Like the dress clothes, like at practices, like pretty much everything. So when I actually push him to point that he physically lashes out at me, it takes me by surprise. However it is no wonder that he feels disrespected. I totally don't respect him at all. I've been wondering if I could do everything his way. I don't know if I can. Let me rephrase that, I can but I don't know if I want to. I've done it before to get to this point in our marriage but I missed myself so much. I missed being me. Thus I still question whether or not we will be able to be together because I want to be me and have it be okay. It isn't fun to fight all the time and it isn't fun to feel like who I am isn't okay.

Despite that, I needed to be sure to document that he tried and that he made an effort. That was really good. Today things were back to normal when he got pissed off because I wanted to wash the floors on my hands and knees verses using a mop but whatever. Baby steps right?

Unusual weekend

This has been an unusual weekend. He's been fairly independent so I was able to spend a lovely afternoon with my daughter and bake and cook and stuff for Easter. Although I am a bit annoyed because I couldn't find the hand mixer and wasn't able to make some of the things I wanted. They would have tasted fine but not presented the way I want so I nixed the idea completely. That's something I have to be aware of about myself. I can get caught up in black and white and forget there can be middle ground.

 

For the most part I've given up my perfectionism. But not when it comes to cooking and driving. Lol, weird things to hold on to but what I've done anyway. I used to need everything just so but as I got older and realized I couldn't maintain such insanity, I learned to accept my short comings and live my strengths instead of focusing on what I do wrong all the time. That's my upbringing.

 

Even though my dad and I are working on a relationship now, we didn't have much of one when I was growing up. Although it wasn't horrible it wasn't good either. I was pretty much his confidant and only friend which my therapist has labeled as emotional incest. Yucky words but appropriate nonetheless. I'm trying to shift our relationship away from me being his therapist and us being friends. I don't know how successful I am but last week was good. Time will tell and I'll process that as I need to. Right now that's not the focus.

 

But his emotional absence and my Moms constant criticism really made me a perfectionist. And yet I'm sympathetic enough because of it that I cannot do that to anyone else. Nor do I want to. It's a horrible way to live especially when you realize you will never be good enough for the people who are suppose to love you unconditionally, support you, encourage, lift up and nurture you. Although my adult brain understands that it wasn't necessarily because I didn't measure up, they didn't know how to be any different. Yet still feeling those feelings as a child even now, I cannot understand how I was such a bad person.

 

That's probably a big piece of why my marriage is not going to last. I cannot and will never be who he wants me to be. He saw someone pliable that he thought he could control and manipulate and he fell in love. But that's not what he got. Especially now that the one person in this world that could intimidate me is dead.

 

Intimidate. Interesting choice of words. But true. She intimidated me. I suppose it's the several broken jaws, ribs, black eyes, bruises and such. I might just be the dumbest smart person. I should have been afraid but for whatever reason I stopped being afraid. I remember the exact moment too. I was sent to my room and waiting there for her to come in and give me my punishment and I realized that the worse she was going to do was hurt me physically. I was 10. So she beats me up. Whatever. From that point on she intimidated me but I was no longer afraid.

 

Another side effect of my awareness and self empowerment was that I was done allowing her to bully my brothers, sister and dad. As the oldest of the family I was assuming responsibility to "pop the zit" when I could feel her raging. I got in her face, would purposely do things I knew she disliked so she would come after me. I knew I could take it and I didn't want them to have to. What a crazy choice for a 10 year old to have to make, or to even try to make. But I did and from that point on it is my instinctual reaction when someone around me is mad and it's directed at me.

 

Thankfully I've learned I don't have to repel every conflict nor do I need to be the savior or rescuer but it's hard for me to bite my tongue and say "yes dear" when really I want to pop that zit instead of letting it fester. Worst case scenario he hits me again. Whatever, I can take it. Although he has huge hands and is quite strong, it hurts a lot more than when my mom would. But I still refuse to shed a tear and if it gets to that point, I will still keep it secret. Because that's what I'm suppose to do. Why am I suppose to?

 

Because despite it all, I still don't want to hurt anyone. It would be a lot harder for me to live with myself knowing I sabotaged someone, whether on purpose or not, when I could have just kept my mouth shut and let it pass. I wonder why that is. Probably something to ask my therapist next week. I could figure it out on my own but I prefer to not analyze myself. I am much more trusting of other peoples opinions.

 

Well I won't get to take a bath and write tomorrow so see ya Monday. Happy Easter!

TGIM

Yes I know that the usual anagram is TGIF but I'm glad it's Monday. Life gets back to normal and I don't have to live on high alert. I prefer that. My 19 year old has been hanging out with me today. It's pretty awesome. She likes Robyn. That's too bad because I think I'm going to have to insist he take her back.

I have so much anxiety about this car. We were barely paying the bills as it was. If it wasn't for the fact that we don't have a mortgage, we wouldn't be able to keep up. And the only reason we don't have a mortgage is because my Dad was the mortgage holder on the house and he gave it to us for Christmas this year. What an amazing gift. However my husband keeps wanting to take out a home equity loan for other things. I refuse to let him do it. He gets really mad at me but its foolish. If we could afford to have the mortgage, my Dad wouldn't have given us the house and we'd still be paying it. But we could barely do it and even without the mortgage, we are robbing Peter to pay Paul. Yet somehow the husband (or for future reference H), thinks we need a Lexus and that the increase in the car payments plus the increase in our insurance is going to be affordable. It's insane really. And who impulse buys a car?!?! Grr...

I suppose some of you reading this think I'm ungrateful. Perhaps I am. Logic will always win out for me and I don't like to owe anyone anything. The bible says that we aren't suppose to owe, we pay for what we get and that's that. Finance charges are a sin as well but I don't think the credit card companies and banks care. We live a cash lifestyle. He managed to mismanage so bad that we were nearly bankrupt. Some was his fault, some was mine, some was the economy. Regardless I love not having credit cards. I love paying cash (debit card) only and I hate owing people money. The Ford was almost paid off. But it was pretty beat up.

That bothered me only because H ripped the bumper off going over a speed bump too fast and he backed into a garage and dinged up the back end. Not cool. But because it was the car I primarily drove, I felt like I was being judged as a stupid woman driver. Clearly my own hang up. People probably didn't care at all. However I take a lot of pride in being a safe driver. I've never been in an accident and I have had one speeding ticket which was 21 years ago...maybe 22. I don't know. I was 18.

Unlike H who has gone to jail for stupid petty tickets, has had multiple, falls asleep at the wheel with the family in the car, has been the cause of many accidents and currently needs glasses something horrible but doesn't get them and drives even though he can't see the lines very well and barely the signs on the side of the road.

I can deal with those things. What I can't deal with is that after yesterday church, I wasn't allowed to drive the car the rest of the day because he wanted to. Last night before bed he set down some rules about where and when I could drive it today. Along with checking the odometer to make sure that I didn't put any unnecessary mileage on "his" car. But supposedly he bought the car for me. I'm pretty sure he knew I'd throw a fit about it because it was financially irresponsible so he presented it to me as a gift. A manipulation for him to have what he wanted. Whether or not it was a conscious effort to "dupe" me, I don't think so. He is really quite unaware how selfish he is. He thinks he sacrifices and gives to everyone around him...

Amazing how our perceptions vary. Of course I'm right because it's me. Lol! ;) Seriously though, how strange. I do wonder how much of my perceptions are truth and what I have created as drama in my head. I'm so unclear about my current mental status these days being in therapy. I really want healing and I want to be free finally from my past instead of making the same mistakes over and over again. So I always second guess myself and I don't know if I should or not. I do know that I don't trust his opinion so I ask my friends. K and G are awesome and super honest. I SO appreciate that. T is too but he's in his own la-la land. I don't really give what he has to say much credence. Not because he's a bad guy but because he just doesn't live in the same world as the rest of us. It's something I love about him! L is awesome too and really helpful being in the same situation but I've been forbidden to talk to him so that's not happening.

Anyway the point of all that was to say that I am glad it's Monday, I am resenting the car, I don't trust my own perceptions, I'm glad I'm in therapy and friends rock. :)

Until tomorrow...

Robyn

I am beginning to hate weekends. I don't get the opportunity to write everyday like I do during the week. Mostly because he is hovering. He knows I have a blog but I totally lied to his face when he asked if I posted them on the web. I don't usually like to lie but I know that he wouldn't respect my privacy and I need this for me. Suppose it was selfish and rude but it is what it is.

So far it's been an interesting couple days. Yesterday we brought our oldest at home to a college about an hour and a half away for a weekend visit. The drive home alone was really good. We talked more about our situation and he acknowledged that if it doesn't work out after this year he can feel better about it because of the time we had. I don't know if that will really happen but it was a relief for me. Not that I should care about how he feels but I do. It's not like I hate the guy. We just shouldn't be married.

At the same time as his apparent acceptance, he's majorly kissing my butt. He came home with a Lexus for me today. Really? Don't get me wrong, it is beautiful and I have named her Robyn however I really could care less about money and stuff. I want to be happy and I don't need a Lexus to be happy. It is also not going to make me somehow forget the current situation nor is it going to make me feel like I am closer to him. I don't want gifts. I want compatibility. I want respect. I want kindness, hope, joy, laughter, love. You can't buy those things. Not to mention it makes me feel like I have to pay him back somehow. I'm waiting for the day when I do something wrong and he makes sure to point out that he bought me my new car so I owe him.

There is nothing worse than getting a gift with strings attached. I want to be super excited but I can't allow myself the joy I would if I knew it was because he really loved me. It's an appeasement of sorts. I suppose maybe an amend. I don't know really. But what it feels like to me is a cheap attempt to buy my heart and affections. It's like he doesn't hear me tell him I need substance. I need a partner, compatibility, companionship. I need a friend and a lover. I need my best friend to be my spouse. I don't need stuff.

And yet, the materialistic side of me cannot wait to rub it in my ex's face that he drives a 90's Honda Civic and I am in my new one. Selfish, rude and snotty but it's the truth. I'm okay with that. Sometimes it's just fun. Of course I love cars in general so let me tell you, it rides like a dream. Its super quiet. The sun roof is awesome although I don't know how much I'll get to use it in MN. It has great gas mileage especially for a V6 and it's just pretty. I didn't think that I'd be a blue car person but I'm a fan. It's understated enough to not draw too much attention but bold enough to make a statement because it's the car it is. I LOVE IT! I just wish it wasn't given to me under the circumstances that it was.

For now I will enjoy the car until he has brow beaten me enough with it that I don't and then I'll get rid of it. Or not. Maybe I'll make my peace with it and drive it until it has 250,000 miles on it. Lol! That will take forever considering I only drive the kids back and forth to school and run errands around town. But that's okay too. At least for today, it was a very nice gift and something I enjoy. Perhaps it will get to stay like that and Robyn will remain a blessing. Time will tell...

Hope Above Hopes

I had coffee with my dad today. Technically we don't have coffee but get together at 1030 am. Coffee time. I gave up coffee and pop. Caffeine wigs me out. I am a much happier person when I'm not wigging out. Lol! But I'm not writing this to talk about my reaction to caffeine.

 

We talked about gamblers; people that buy lottery tickets placing their hope in a little piece of paper with numbers on it. Those that are addicted relentlessly purchase tickets hoping above all hopes that they will be the one out of 175+ million people who play and win the grand prize. Those odds aren't very good and yet there are people that are buying 5 at a time daily with the hope that is increasing their odds enough to win a billion dollars.

 

I can't help but wonder if I'm gambling with my future. It can go both ways. Its a gamble if I stay but a gamble if I leave. The odds of me finding the man that is my jackpot is slim at best. I'm going to make random guesses now, the odds of me finding any man I can tolerate is 1:10. The odds of finding someone who will treat me better 1:35. The odds of being alone; 0:0 (I have kids). It's actually kind of interesting. I went to the census bureau to see how many educated, single men in my age bracket there is and they have all kinds of stats. None that I'm going to quote to you but lets just say my initial estimates are quite liberal. The odds are less than I thought. Not to mention I'm not traveling the world looking for a mate. I'm not looking at all. If there is a chance meeting or he's already in my life, then that's how it's going to have to happen.

 

However with all the chances of a different future, what are the odds that my husband can be what I need? Can he change who he is for me? Should I even be asking him to? I keep saying he's a good man. He is and this whole thing is breaking his heart. I really hate hurting him like this but I can't give him false hope. Yet its unfair of me to ask him to hang in there because I'm deciding what our fate is going to be. He has told me that I will have to be the one to leave. He doesn't want to lose his wife. He admits he's been a douche-bag.

 

It's a risk to forgive and move on. I don't know if I can. Some day I will, but I don't know what it will take. I don't know if I can while we are still married and living together. Part of me thinks we should just move on and if we were meant to be, we can date and get married again. This time it would be my choice. But what are the odds of that? Why would I bother working on my anger towards him when we aren't married and I have a lifetime of crap to deal with just analyzing the relationship with my Mom? I wouldn't and that wouldn't happen. So that's really out of the question but since we are talking odds here, it is possible that could work. The odds aren't good but there are odds of it happening.

 

Again I wonder if the hope that I have is misguided. Because honestly it is the hope of a different life that is what challenges me here. I know I can make this work. I know I can deal with how he is and spend the rest of my life with him. I know I can keep playing it safe and keep the peace. It gets easier as the kids get older to juggle and balance his co-dependence. I can continue to not do things I want to. I can continue to make the best of this and let who I am wither away. I've been doing it. I totally can.

 

But hoping above all reasonable hopes won't let me step away from the possibility of a better life. Even a life alone means I don't have to justify why I wear my hair curly instead of brushing out the "f me curls" I've been accused of. Life alone means I will shovel my own snow, put up my own trim, paint my own house and grill my own food. A life alone means the girls and I get to laugh as loud, as hard and as long as we want. A life alone means my girlfriend and I can have a sleep over or late night at the bar and I am not threatened. A life alone means I get to play piano for hours if I want. A life alone means more camping, means more swimming, more gardening, more playing. Friends, mine and of the girls, come over more often. Camp-outs in the back yard or turning the tramp into a tent with blankets and sticks! But not everything about being alone is good.

 

A life alone means I will miss soccer games, school plays, concerts and other things because I am working. A life alone means we never eat out because we don't have extra money. A life alone means (if he doesn't want them) I sell the boats and the motorcycle. A life alone means I'm changing my own oil, doing brake jobs and other maintenance on my car. A life alone may mean there is just one car and girls don't get to use it when they need it. It means if I'm having a panic attack there is no on here to tell me I'm not dying. A life alone means I buy my own smokes at 10pm when I've forgotten to get them during the day. A life alone means if something goes wrong with the house, I have to figure out how to fix it or find money to have someone come in and help me. It would be a real inconvenience to be alone.

 

An inconvenience to be alone? That's it? That's the best I've got? It would be uncomfortable, not easy, and inconvenient. Really? What the heck. Seriously, what am I missing here? What am I not seeing? Is hope blinding me or is it really that easy? Is it really going to be that hard to take off jammie pants and run to the gas station? Is it going to be horrible if I miss a few school events? Because the major ones I'd lose my job over. Is it going to be a bad summer without boats and motorcycles? Will life be over if I can't find the money for someone to put gutters on the house? What if the boiler stopped working...I'd have to get creative. Space heaters, talk to my Dad and friends, check with the local county for help, I don't know exactly but we'd figure it out. I have never walked away from anything in my life because I thought it was going to be inconvenient or hard even.

 

I chose to keep a baby and raise her alone when I was told to give her up for adoption. I was ready to sacrifice whatever it took to make sure she was okay. I would do that for all my kids. And let me tell you, a lifetime commitment of raising a child was not a small decision nor an easy one. But I never look back nor regret making that choice. Even though she has put me through hell at moments in her life, I wouldn't choose to do it differently. I'm glad for it all. So to think that I would hesitate improving my life because of a petty reason is disappointing to me. I must be missing something or am I just so complacent now that I have lost the fight that was in me 19 years ago. Interesting...am I not a fighter anymore? I don't know. That will have to be another blog. However I do know that I still hope for more...is it really a hope above hopes or is the potential gain worth the risk? Guess I need to figure that out.

Fine line

I have been kicking around what I need vs what I want. What I need is far less than what I want. If what I need is all that matters, then I'm fine. I can survive on less even. However if what I want matters, then I need to make a change.

 

Proverbs 28 warns against a person trying to follow money and that we should be content with what we have and not being content robs us of life. Is it my discontent that drives my want? Should I be content and continue to die a little inside? Is what is dying inside actually a hope that needs to go away? Is it a selfish part manipulated by society's perception of love and marriage? Tough call. I don't know.

 

What I do know is there is a small voice deep inside of me that quietly whispers "you deserve more". Is that evil? Is it God? Is it me? I don't know but that still, small voice gets louder and louder everyday. Maybe it's because I turned 40 and I'm having a mid-life crisis. And yet, just a short while ago my daughter asked me how much more I'm going to put up with. It was unsolicited, she's 19 and she sees. The last kid to say something to me was the 18 year old. I guess it's obvious to the kids how mismatched he and I are. I wonder why it isn't obvious to everyone else.

 

Does it really matter though? What others think? It shouldn't but I definitely have issues with co-dependence. Clearly or I wouldn't even be wondering about the things I do. It's the co-dependence that continues to hold me back. My dependence on my friends, my dependence on my family, my dependence on my kids. I just want everyone around me to be happy. I know that is unrealistic but it's true. I used to be good at sacrificing so everyone else could have. I say used to because now I question it.

 

I question the necessity of keeping a happy face on when I'm not happy. I question why I keep attending and leading worship at a church I don't believe in. I question if it's my responsibility to take on the kind of responsibility I do. Is it really necessary for me to be the one to give all the time? Is it really necessary for everyone around me to be catered to? Do I really need to give up the rest of my life to a man I don't love? Do I really need to worry about what my friends think? If they are friends they will agree to disagree. Do I need to be concerned with how my husband is going to get along without me? Should I care that I have needs and wants and even bother making a change? It's a fine line and I have no ideas but to keep walking the line for as long as I can. I'll decide what I want or need later...