Soar

I didn't write yesterday because there was so much going through my head I just didn't even know how to put things down on paper. Or virtual paper I guess. I met with my Dad and in the true spirit of honesty, I laid out what has been happening with my husband and I. I told him about the deadline I had set, told him about the control issues, told him about how the kids want nothing to do with him anymore. My Dad is a pastor so I was expecting a pastoral response about honoring God and my commitment to him through marriage and those kinds of things. What I got was totally a surprise.

Dad acknowledged the control. He has seen it. He admitted that he was a part of the control early on before H and I got married because he was a part of pushing me to marry H. He said that he was also controlled by H in because H was saying he wouldn't wait any longer for me to make up my mind and so my parents pushed, H pushed and I gave in. Dad also was shocked at the change of heart, how determined I am to be healthier and no longer live controlled. He asked what happened.

I told him how K would ask me if I was okay after H would get on me at practices. I told him how G said he knows H loves me but doesn't seem to like me. I told him how the girls said they don't think H likes them either. Then he said to me "that was an act of God". He thought that I would stay in this place and continue to placate the situation like he did. He thought that H dying was going to be the only way that this could get better. He thought I was going to continue a family pattern of abusive and controlling marriages. And he was relieved.

He told me how he would have made changes in his life had he been strong enough. He told me that living a lifetime with a controlling partner is the worst choice he had ever made. He told me that when he looks back at how it was for us kids growing up, he feels guilt and shame. I was stunned. He had never admitted that before and I asked how he came to that realization. He said it took my Mom's death and him actually being free to realize how imprisoned he really was.

I cannot adequately express the relief and joy I felt hearing him say that. Joy! Like real JOY! Some of it was that I wanted his support and didn't dare to hope that I would get it because of his standing in the church. The other part was hearing from someone on the other side who didn't move, was rescued from his situation by God himself and has come out with blessings he didn't even know could be. It fed the hope I have of a better future of a life where I am not daily condemned or shamed or controlled. It helped me see that my hope is not futile nor the efforts I'm making now to improve my life worthless. There is a future in the direction I'm going. Even if I don't know what the future is going to be. I don't need to have a vision for myself any longer. I only need to keep God in the center of my vision and the rest will fall into place. I had to text my friends about it. Well K and G anyway. Almost accidently text L too but I'm working hard to respect those boundaries he set...or his wife set. Not really sure. But it doesn't matter. I am looking ahead!

I still am going to honor my agreement with H to wait until June 1, 2015 and going to move forward as if this isn't going to work out. But the pressure has been released. Having it affirmed by a man ordained by God that ending an unhappy marriage is okay has given me freedom. I will have my new beginning. I will change the patterns of abuse in my life. I will rise above where I'm at and how life is and it will be what God wants it to be. I believe in the Word of God and I believe in his promises of love, hope, joy, peace, safety, happiness, prosperity and health. Finally hearing that I am in God's graces in this is just what I needed to get ready to fly; cuz this bird is going to do more than fly, I'm going to soar!

He doesn't even like you!

Those are the words I heard from my 12 year old today. After she said he doesn't even like her. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised because this isn't the first time I've heard that but I was surprised. Especially with it coming out of her mouth. After both girls venting at me for a half hour about what a jerk h was to them last night including the boldface lie he told when asked a point blank question, I finally asked the question. "Would you be upset if he and I weren't together anymore?", and the response was "not really, we'd be a lot happier without him". Again surprised at the answer.

 

Where have I been? I would not have predicted such a response. Here I thought I was the only one miserable in this. I thought I was the only one who felt bullied by him. I thought I was the only one who saw how inconsistent he is. But I'm not. None of us know if today he'll be okay with laughter at the dinner table when yesterday he wasn't. We don't know if today it's my car or his. Today we don't know if he will get upset because we aren't hanging as a family together or if he's going to isolate.

Sad thing is I know that if I told him how they felt, he would be hurt by it. So I'm not going to. That's just mean and yet I kind of feel like he should know. It isn't just me. But on the other hand, like I told the girls, he can ground them and parade his parental rights over them. It's better for him to be mad at me so I need to keep buffering.

 

He says I'm too easy on the girls. But I don't think I am. I address things with them but I do it calmly and respectfully. What good is freaking out and/or punishing without first getting the whole story. Besides they are good kids, there is very little to be upset with them about. They do what they are asked when I ask them and usually without complaint. They do well in school. They know to be respectful and we'll-mannered when away from home and are usually at home too. Granted their rooms aren't always clean which is awful to some people but they are responsible for themselves, their pets, their laundry and their grades. My job as mom is not to guilt or shame but to encourage, lift up and support them. But in his eyes it makes me weak and a push over.

 

I guess I just don't care if they forget to pick up the mail as they walk by the mailbox from the bus stop. I guess I just don't care if they leave their backpack on the table. It gets moved when I ask. I don't care if they want their rooms to be dusty and messy, they live in it not me.

 

What I do care about is how much sleep they get, what food they eat, that they shower on a regular basis, that they maintain a b average in school, that they learn how to cook, do their own laundry, balance a checkbook, pay their phone bill, respect curfew. And most importantly they are never afraid to ask me for help. I'm limited in what I can do but I want them to always feel like they can talk about sex, boyfriends, h, God, school friends, drinking, drugs, etc. I want that line of communication to be always open with them.

 

But h doesn't. He doesn't like that I have that kind of relationship with my girls. He gets upset if I spend too much time with them or if they need someone to talk to, they are being needy or whiney or "girls".

 

I wish I could some how reflect how he says the word "girls" when he's talking about them and me. There is so much disdaine in his voice. The cynicism just drips off his tongue and even his eyes shut like he just can't believe he has to deal with us girls. For a man with 6 girls, you would think he'd think of each of them as his little princesses and his wife his queen. But nope. There's hatred in his voice. Don't get me wrong, he's not a closet gay man but he does have issues with women that have strong opinions or have too much fun. That's pretty much all of us so it's no wonder.

 

I see how G is with his daughters and wife, they both are his beautiful creatures that he has been blessed with. He doesn't always feel worthy of such beauty in his life and yet he cherishes every word, every moment, every touch with them. Then you see him with his grand daughters and it's even sweeter. Isnt that the way it should be. I want to be adored. I want to be appreciated. I want to be respected. I want him to laugh when I'm random and goofy, to feel pride when I'm strong, to feel love when I'm independent and to find humor in me when I do something dorky (Which is a lot). At the very least to like me and like my girls.