Funny, I just wrote a blog not more than a few hours ago. Odd how things can change in the blink of an eye. After I blogged, I was looking for a pic to go with it and noticed IE telling me there had been some visits so a key blogger site. I check them out and decide to search the computer. Wow. So glad I did.
I found H had downloaded it. He has been spying on me. I have nothing to hide except the feelings I write in my blog but even then, they don't have to be hidden. I choose for them to remain hidden. He was at work so I called him but he didn't answer so I sent him texts. I confronted him on it and he told me it was because of our daughter. He was worried about her and then he apologized for not telling me. I called him a liar. Then he admitted he lied to me. He has been watching me. He thinks I've been having an affair and he's been trying to catch me. I told him he could keep trying but the only thing I have to hide is my blog and he could see it if he wants. It will only hurt him to read it. Not me.
I was furious. What an ahole. I mean really. Once we finally got to talk about it, he told me it was my fault that he's trying to control me because I don't confront him when he's being a douche. Yup. My fault he can't keep his hands to himself. My fault that I've allowed him to make me his emotional punching bag. My fault he is rapidly losing control of me.
Some of those I imagine are true. I should have said something. I should have not put up with it. I shouldn't have allowed this all to happen. But I did. Now I'm trying to change it and he thinks I'm not trying. Ugh. WTF!
So I tell him to leave, we are over. This is the final straw. I refuse to be subjected to this any longer. He tells me he won't go. I can buy him out of the house but it's all half his. Now that pissed me off even more. Besides a couch and a fridge, everything else has been given to us by my family. Oh wait, he purchased the dishes set. But whatever. I asked him if he's going to kick the kids and I out and he said no, that would be my choice. If I want to go, I'm free to go but he's not. Wow. I reminded him of the gifts and he says they were meant for him too and just because hes been a jerk doesn't mean he deserves to lose it all. Huh. I beg to differ. If he had purchased it, he can have it. But my family stuff is mine.
Yet at the same time. He can have the fucking stuff. I'm so done. So tomorrow I go get a job, start looking for an apartment, collecting boxes and packing. We are gone. The girls want him gone too. They aren't going to be happy about moving anymore than I am but if he wants his stuff, he can have it. I'm not asking for stuff. I want respect. I want care. I want love.
He tells me that I need to give it one more shot. I asked him what that meant and he tells me that should come from a 3rd party. So he's suggesting marriage counseling again. When I asked him why he didn't take it seriously the first time we did it for 18 months he said he didn't know. Then I ask him why this is different and he says because he will listen now. Fuck that. I highly doubt it but ok. Whatever. Then I say, and if it doesn't work then what? He says we walk away friends.
Interesting thought. Because right now I'm sure I cannot be his friend. Selfish SOB can kiss my ass. But what do I have to lose? Nothing I haven't already. All I care about it me and my kids. So whatever. Of course I have to point out as we are talking, he's sitting at the dinner table letting me wait on him like he's a fucking king. And I just can't believe he is so arrogant he cannot hear the bullshit coming out of his mouth or see that he still allows me to service him, he expects it, it's normal and how it should be. That's the problem. He and I don't see eye to eye on what a marriage is.
Part of me wants to go find some guy to fuck and parade it around in front of him. He's already convinced I'm a slut so why not be one and give him what he wants? Then I get what I want too. An out. He wouldn't tolerate that and it would be over but I have this fear of losing friends, family and whomever because it's not how I would normally behave. I suppose I shouldn't care but I do. I will not make it through this without my friends. I cannot jeopardize them. Although I could sleep with someone I don't have feelings for and not care at all how it affects him. I'm just that mad. But what would it do to me?
It would hurt me. I'm better than that. I'm not that type of person. I might be curious and adventurous but I'm not irresponsible. Yet the kids want him gone, I want him gone and he refuses to go. I just don't know how many more chances I have for him. I have none. But can I find one for this to end amicably? I don't know. He's asking for one more. I cannot tell you how many times I've heard that over the last decade. Then it's my fault for not standing up to him. I'm in a lose, lose situation and there is nothing I can do about it. It sucks. So why do I hold on to any assemblence of integrity when I can't walk away with any? Even when this goes south, he will tell people he thought I was cheating. It's the second time I've been accused of that. How do I know he hadn't been and that's why he's so sure I am. Whatever. Not worth more of my time.
But this is over. From killing hamsters to policing me like a cross eyed psycho stalker, this man is sick and I want no part of it. There is no bandaid big enough to cover the wound in me now. Too bad. Two weeks ago I actually started to believe it could work. Now it's time to cut this part off and learn how to live alone.
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