The Other Side

I've been thinking about what if's. Talk about an abyss of philosophical rhetoric. However it is interesting to think about what if I stayed and tried to make the best of it. What would it be like?

A typical day is me getting up between 6-630 am. Start the car, start breakfast, make lunches, correct and sign homework, eat half a banana, send my "I love you today" texts then leave at 7am and drop the 3 off at their schools. I'm back home about 730 and I work out, take a shower, get laundry going, sweep, dust and steam the hardwood floors, vacuum the rugs, put dishes away if they haven't been already, plan dinner and defrost the meat if needed. Then I have some free time which I use to have coffee with my dad, visit elderly friends, make chord sheets and plan music sets, and now that it's warmer, will involve outdoor chores. About 230 pm the girls come home. From there it is a whirlwind of homework, stories from the day, informing of future things coming up and potential social engagements, driving to and from practices, starting dinner and other such things. Then my husband comes home between 3-430 depending on if he works overtime. When he walks in the door, I have hopefully remembered to have clean towels in the bathroom for him. If not, I go get one for him. He takes a shower while I'm juggling the rest of the stuff, gets dressed and lays on our bed and watches TV or takes a nap. Dinner is hot and served promptly at 5pm. He comes out for dinner and I have the kids and myself lined up on either side of the table and he is at the head. Either I serve him or he serves himself but he gets testy if someone puts food on their plate before he does so we've all learned to wait for him. 

Once dinner is over I check my watch and start my 15 minute ritual which involves rotating 15 minutes with him and 15 minutes with the kids. When he and I are together I'm usually gaming or texting on my phone while he tells me how much pain he is in, how tired he is and making requests for me to fill his water, fetch him a bowl of ice cream or whatever. I used to listen intently. Now I don't. I know it bugs him but he's been tolerating it sort of. He makes it evident that he's not happy but he doesn't say anything. So I bounce back and forth between him and the kids until 9pm at night when they need to be in their rooms. At this point I used to get some alone time. But he made such a big deal of it, now I lay in bed with him and let him talk about his day some more. Lights out at 1030 and once he's asleep, I'll either sneak out of bed and get some alone time or lay in bed on my phone. Things he gets really mad at me about but I am so drained from the evening I have to do something. Eventually I get to sleep and it starts over. Not a horrible existence. I've learned to cope but in an ideal world things would be different.

I don't think my husband likes me at all. Well he does when I'm doing what I'm suppose to but if the girls and I take a couple dozen eggs and throw them at trees just because it's fun, I'm in trouble. If we are laughing and giggling, he tells us to be quiet. If we aren't quiet enough he comes out of the room and sends us all to our rooms. Including me to our room. Of course his perception is different. He says he works hard and deserves his home to be his way. I suppose that's true. He does. Not sure how happy noises can be that upsetting. Especially when it's the laughter of children. There is no sweeter sound but that's my opinion. 

I love to play, color, be with the kids. They are my solace. Yet I'm so bogged down with trying to make him happy and still be sort of myself that I miss out. I get worn out and I am distracted by the things I dont really want to be doing. I'm sure I will be slapping my forehead saying "duh" when I look back at this time in my life. I already am. 

Yet, my life could certainly be worse. I could be beat up on a regular basis. I could be the only bread winner instead of a stay-at-home mom. I could be delusional and unaware. I could be suicidal and feeling like I'm without choices. But I'm not. I'm in a good place. Not comfortable, not ideal but it could be manageable if I choose to stick it out. You never really know about the grass on the other side until you get there. And if it's not as good as it looked, you can't go back.