Temper, temper

Well we had the blow up I was expecting. I really didn't want to engage. I tried hard not to engage but I did. He was feeling as if I was ungrateful for the car. I told him the idea was great but I was concerned about the finances but that it was easier for him to spend money then it is for me to spend money. I'm one of those unusual women that hates to shop and hates to spend money. The more money I have saved, the less I want to spend it. I don't really know why, I guess I like the security of having it if we need it. But he's one of those that spends and thinks later. Not really a good match because finances can be such a controversial subject for marriages. Anyway, me saying it was easier for him to spend money set him off.

From there it was a whirlwind. I kept my mouth shut and watched for a while. It was sort of humorous, at first he was offended and angry. Then when I said that I clearly hit a nerve and I wonder why he's so sensitive about it, he turned it around to how he doesn't feel good enough and I should leave him because he's a failure. This is usually when I step in and say he's not and it's okay and all is well, then console him as he cries and loathes about himself. But not tonight.

Tonight I said it was too bad he felt that way and I walked away. Bad move. He then started in on how I spend money on buying food and gifts for the kids at Christmas and Easter and Valentines Day, realized what he was saying and turned around and started in on me for being a "tight wad". Now normally I'm really good at not engaging (as I mentioned earlier), but don't call me names. You want to throw a pity party, fine. You want to be angry and slam doors, fine. But be a grown up and use your big boy/big girl words. So my nerve was hit and I blew back at him.

Part of why I don't blow up is because I've learned that my hot, Italian temper and witty brain causes a very adverse reaction when I let my anger out. Not that I'm physically hurting anyone but I have a sharp tongue and I'm observant so I know how to hurt people if I want to. Not something I'm proud of but growing up in a house where you defend yourself or die, you learn to watch for weaknesses and you know how to exploit them if necessary. It's a very ugly part of me I dislike a lot and that part of me caught fire tonight. Needless to say, it ended with him speechless, in tears and me in the bath tub wanting to wring his neck.

That's the problem with my temper. I don't have remorse. If I get to the point where I'm going to intentionally hurt you, I do not care that I hurt you. And I hurt him. I want to feel bad. And maybe I will in a few days or weeks or months but right now, I'm all "what now b*tch"! So I guess I'm sorry that I got to my breaking point but I'm not sorry for what I said. It was true, I just didn't need to deliver it in the way that I did. Something I learned as a child when I saw how I hurt my brother with my words. We were doing our usual sibling fighting but I wanted to finish it so I did. I still don't have remorse about what I said but I feel bad for making him feel as bad as I did. Strange things how your brain remembers those kind of moments like they are yesterday. I suppose because I felt so empowered. People only walk on me because I let them. Not because they can have their way with me and I guess by losing it once and a while, they are reminded that I submit, I am not controlled.

Odd thing is as I'm typing this, my kids have never heard me yell nor have they seen me completely lash out and they have tested me. I've never felt like I needed to take it to that level. I've always remained in control of myself and on top of my game. I'm hormonal right now so maybe that's why I lost it. Perhaps the water under the bridge has swept the bridge away and I'm a lot less tolerant now. I don't know. And yet I think that's only the second time in almost 8 years that I have ever gone there with H either. I guess that's a good thing. Probably not though.

Last week at therapy I was talking about some of the experiences that I have lived through with my Mom. Oddly I didn't have anger until he told me to think of the situation in which she freaked out on me and put one of my children in that scenario. In other words, think of her doing that to one of my kids...that made me angry. And that's when I realized that I have always seen anger as a weakness and a last resort. Not to mention that I don't usually get angry on my own behalf. Like somehow I am strong enough, I can take it. Ha! What a farce that is. Although I did take it, but it did a lot of damage. I am grateful that I was able to contain it in me for as long as I have been so that my kids lives will be different. They will raise their children differently and hopefully the future generations of women in my family will be more nurturing, loving, and attentive. Who knows. I can only hope.

For now, it's good that I'm getting in touch with my anger about my childhood however I'm concerned with my sharp tongue that I'm going to hurt more people around me. Especially those like H who I have resentments towards. I don't want to be like my Mom. I don't want to fly off the handle in an illogical rage. I don't want to do and say things that make me drop to my knees in shame when I am no longer angry. Stupid temper...