The Mystery of Me

I'm sitting at the library with my laptop right now. The quiet is nice. The reason for being her isn't. Our power was shut off. We live in an old home and our power bills in the winter to heat it runs about $800/mo. Insane! We obviously get behind but continue to pay as much as we can monthly on top of our regular bill. However that wasn't good enough for them and they shut us down. Took an entire paycheck to get them to turn it back on but over 24 hours later, they still haven't managed to get it back on.

Funny how things like this can be troublesome. Other than the inconvenience with food in my freezer I'm probably going to have to throw away, it really isn't a big deal and yet, I'm going crazy. Not having my usual distractions related to the internet are frustrating. Sure there are a lot of other things I could do but doing them in another thing.

I was reading in the bible today about self control. God highly recommends it and yet there are times when losing control are good. I'm not sure not having power would fall under either one of those categories but it's what popped into my head so it's what you get. :)

Anyway, I was researching self control because I'm not using "my powers" for good.  I am not using my time wisely. I waste so much on a daily basis with gaming, goofing around with my kids, reading, smoking. I could really get much more accomplished if I'd just do something. But I don't. I prefer to be a bump on a log. Is it depression? I don't think so. If I'm depressed I'm not knowing it. I think it is honestly pure laziness.

And yet when I explore that emotionally I find myself in a feeling of rebellion. But against what? What could I possibly be rebelling against by not doing anything productive? Perhaps it's the definition of productive...ya. No. I'm not productive. Perhaps its a fear of failure but that would imply that fear is the root of rebellion. Is it?

Is there a fear of something that makes a person want to push back against it? Is it fear of failure? Is it fear of succeeding? When I look into the rebellion of not doing things I find myself overwhelmed. If I was talking to my kids I would tell them to take it one step at a time. Break down the picture into little pieces... I can do that but it still doesn't explain the lack of acting on it.

For example, my hardwood floors REALLY need to be washed and steamed clean. I can do it the lazy way which means I just go around the rugs and furniture. It would take me about 10 minutes. Or I could do it the thorough way and move furniture, roll up rugs, sweep, dust and vacuum first. Obviously the first option sounds best. But I can't bring myself to do the lazy way because it won't be done right.

When I think of doing it the thorough way, I find myself making excuses like the dogs will get in the way, I can't move heavy things with my knee still healing. And of course, I just don't want to. So the question becomes, do I do it the lazy way to just get something done or do I leave it and do nothing at all until I feel like being more thorough. I usually choose the second option but I never feel like being more thorough so it hasn't happened in about a month.

I have so much time on my hands. Time that goes flitting away with each tap on a screen or click of a mouse. Time I know that I won't get back. Why isn't that enough? Why isn't it enough to know that I can do the wasting of time when I finish doing the things that should get done? Why do I feel helplessly trapped in a routine that involves nothing worthwhile and everything wasteful of time?

It's a bizarre feeling to not feel like you have control over your own life and your time. Yet, if God told me to be different I would...but I'm not asking either. Plausible deniability of sorts. My Dad working his butt off in our yard to make it look better and seem more manageable doesn't motivate me, having the house empty all day without kids when they are in school doesn't motivate me. Working and trying to balance everything at home doesn't motivate me. And again, all I feel is this undercurrent of anger and rebellion. Is there something in my past that makes me so dead set against being more productive? What or who am I hurting besides myself?

Who am I hurting besides myself...hurting...I am trying to hurt someone? The answer is yes. I have resentment somewhere that is standing in the way but I couldn't tell you at who. My standby response would be my Mom. Yet, I can not tell you why that would be.

Don't you hate it when people take phone calls in the library...GRRR!!!!

Anyway back to the point. I am angry that I have the responsibilities? Am I angry that I have to do these things? No, it doesn't seem so. But again there is definitely anger. So what is it I know...

I know that I am lazy. Not by nature though. It really cuts against my grain. Even my Dad has noticed it and mentioned it. I know that I am rebelling against something or someone and I know that I am angry. I guess I'd better pray about it because I really am not coming up with anything on my own. I need guidance because whatever I just stumbled on really needs to be taken care of. Not with self-control but with healing. I can try to control myself and my actions and force myself to do things I don't want to but we really aren't talking about self control are we? We are talking about a deeper issue that need addressing...

Good thing we don't have power I guess. It will give me a lot of time to explore it...assuming I don't find other ways to distract myself from the truth of the situation... Lol!

Food for thought

There's a lot going through my head these days. Dad came back and explained himself further which was good and creepy too. I'm hoping it's because he and I think so much alike that he knew he would need to explain it further. Either that or he's reading my blog because this isn't the first time this has happened where he's addressed something I wrote about the day after me posting it. If so, Dad do not tell me you're reading this otherwise I'll end up censoring it and that defeats the purpose of this. Thanks.

So he clarified that my dependence on prescription drugs is making me dull. Not in a bad way but he talked about my personality and intelligence and how I'm not that way anymore. He's concerned about my health and wants to see me happy too. A lot of it is related to H and how I handle him. Although I'm a peacekeeper normally, I also know when things need to be confronted and I'm not doing it with h. Dad also said the bible says a woman can lead her husband to Christ through her love, care and patience.

Well there are two things. Dad is right. I'm addicted to my antidepressant. Mostly because I have had trouble with panic since my mom died and that sucks. However the thought of not having them right now scares me. I can't imagine how much anxiety I would have. It was crippling and that's why I went to the doc in the first place. But that state of mind shows that I am addicted. I feel like I need it. Like I feel like I need cigarettes. Not cool. But something I am willing to try if I'm in a better place with my faith. Right now, I'm wrestling.

Second thing is more complicated. A wife can change her husband with her actions. Huh... I have trouble with this. I think it can be true but I don't know if I personally can do that. Maybe if I got rid of the resentments but it's hard when the behaviors keep happening. Even then, I don't feel the kind of love for him that can move all obstacles. So is it my duty and responsibility to start seeing him as a child that I have to nurture, coach, lead and direct? Is it my job to hold him accountable and make him change? Is it on me to mold him into the man God and I want him to be? I don't know.

Let's say it is and I do it. Now what? Where am I? I'm in the same place of feeling like I was pushed into a marriage with a man I don't love romantically. Our life becomes tolerable and possibly even happy. But can I find the love I need to sustain a marriage for 20+ years?

K and G are celebrating 27 years this Friday. T has been married to L for 22 years. They can't imagine life without their partners and I can't imagine staying much longer than a year more. See the conflict? Is it really that I'm so messed up in the head that I am unable to have that love with anyone? Or have I just not met the right one?

When I see my future, it's without a man at all or if there is a man in the shadows waiting for me, he's by my side but we still don't live together and definitely are not married. Which is a conflict with what I wrote earlier about wanting a man to love like I see around me. I think it's my way of protecting myself emotionally.

I'm not getting any younger. Body parts are sagging, grey is starting to come in, wrinkles appearing slowly. I have stretch marks and have bore 5 kids. I don't have a job, an unable to work right now, am not secure financially and there's no 401k. I'm a risk and with each passing day the risk is greater. What do I have beside my personality to attract the opposite sex?

Ok so it isn't that bad but it could be. Nothing I said isn't true. I guess if it's love it doesn't matter and with h, he doesn't seem to mind. So do I hang in there and teach him how to love like my Dad suggested? Or do I follow a broken heart and hope for the best?

I really don't know. Thankfully it is in God's hands. I just need to get out of the way and let Him work. That's the hard part...