The Mystery of Me

I'm sitting at the library with my laptop right now. The quiet is nice. The reason for being her isn't. Our power was shut off. We live in an old home and our power bills in the winter to heat it runs about $800/mo. Insane! We obviously get behind but continue to pay as much as we can monthly on top of our regular bill. However that wasn't good enough for them and they shut us down. Took an entire paycheck to get them to turn it back on but over 24 hours later, they still haven't managed to get it back on.

Funny how things like this can be troublesome. Other than the inconvenience with food in my freezer I'm probably going to have to throw away, it really isn't a big deal and yet, I'm going crazy. Not having my usual distractions related to the internet are frustrating. Sure there are a lot of other things I could do but doing them in another thing.

I was reading in the bible today about self control. God highly recommends it and yet there are times when losing control are good. I'm not sure not having power would fall under either one of those categories but it's what popped into my head so it's what you get. :)

Anyway, I was researching self control because I'm not using "my powers" for good.  I am not using my time wisely. I waste so much on a daily basis with gaming, goofing around with my kids, reading, smoking. I could really get much more accomplished if I'd just do something. But I don't. I prefer to be a bump on a log. Is it depression? I don't think so. If I'm depressed I'm not knowing it. I think it is honestly pure laziness.

And yet when I explore that emotionally I find myself in a feeling of rebellion. But against what? What could I possibly be rebelling against by not doing anything productive? Perhaps it's the definition of productive...ya. No. I'm not productive. Perhaps its a fear of failure but that would imply that fear is the root of rebellion. Is it?

Is there a fear of something that makes a person want to push back against it? Is it fear of failure? Is it fear of succeeding? When I look into the rebellion of not doing things I find myself overwhelmed. If I was talking to my kids I would tell them to take it one step at a time. Break down the picture into little pieces... I can do that but it still doesn't explain the lack of acting on it.

For example, my hardwood floors REALLY need to be washed and steamed clean. I can do it the lazy way which means I just go around the rugs and furniture. It would take me about 10 minutes. Or I could do it the thorough way and move furniture, roll up rugs, sweep, dust and vacuum first. Obviously the first option sounds best. But I can't bring myself to do the lazy way because it won't be done right.

When I think of doing it the thorough way, I find myself making excuses like the dogs will get in the way, I can't move heavy things with my knee still healing. And of course, I just don't want to. So the question becomes, do I do it the lazy way to just get something done or do I leave it and do nothing at all until I feel like being more thorough. I usually choose the second option but I never feel like being more thorough so it hasn't happened in about a month.

I have so much time on my hands. Time that goes flitting away with each tap on a screen or click of a mouse. Time I know that I won't get back. Why isn't that enough? Why isn't it enough to know that I can do the wasting of time when I finish doing the things that should get done? Why do I feel helplessly trapped in a routine that involves nothing worthwhile and everything wasteful of time?

It's a bizarre feeling to not feel like you have control over your own life and your time. Yet, if God told me to be different I would...but I'm not asking either. Plausible deniability of sorts. My Dad working his butt off in our yard to make it look better and seem more manageable doesn't motivate me, having the house empty all day without kids when they are in school doesn't motivate me. Working and trying to balance everything at home doesn't motivate me. And again, all I feel is this undercurrent of anger and rebellion. Is there something in my past that makes me so dead set against being more productive? What or who am I hurting besides myself?

Who am I hurting besides myself...hurting...I am trying to hurt someone? The answer is yes. I have resentment somewhere that is standing in the way but I couldn't tell you at who. My standby response would be my Mom. Yet, I can not tell you why that would be.

Don't you hate it when people take phone calls in the library...GRRR!!!!

Anyway back to the point. I am angry that I have the responsibilities? Am I angry that I have to do these things? No, it doesn't seem so. But again there is definitely anger. So what is it I know...

I know that I am lazy. Not by nature though. It really cuts against my grain. Even my Dad has noticed it and mentioned it. I know that I am rebelling against something or someone and I know that I am angry. I guess I'd better pray about it because I really am not coming up with anything on my own. I need guidance because whatever I just stumbled on really needs to be taken care of. Not with self-control but with healing. I can try to control myself and my actions and force myself to do things I don't want to but we really aren't talking about self control are we? We are talking about a deeper issue that need addressing...

Good thing we don't have power I guess. It will give me a lot of time to explore it...assuming I don't find other ways to distract myself from the truth of the situation... Lol!

Wiley Coyote and The Roadrunner

I haven't posted in over a month. Some of it is because I had allowed myself to be so consumed with relational stuff I got tired of the same questions going around and around in my head. The other part is that I've been a little depressed because of my injured knee. I'm happy to say my knee is healing well and I think I'm going to avoid surgery. Yay!!!

I got to the point of surrender with my relationship with H. I wasn't getting answers and with or without him was going to work. There wasn't a best case scenario. So I finally told God. Whatever you want... His response was a quick picture in my brain. A 3 second clip of the Warner Bros Coyote chasing the road runner. As I processed that, I started to see all the attempts Wiley made to catch the roadrunner. I immediately understood that was me and my husband. H trying anything he can to catch me. Me running, playing emotional games, never truly committing.
Then I say to God, but he left. And I heard "meep, meep" in the familiar WB Roadrunner tone and again I understood. He gets tired of the chase and I re-engage him. All it takes is for me to pop up in his face, meep at him and the chase is on.

At this point, I find myself getting a little defensive. The word "but" starts to form but before it makes it out I am shut down. It was my cue to listen. As I surrendered, I suddenly began to get more. I saw the pain I was causing him. All the fears I had expressed about not being attractive, not making it alone in the future, not feeling loved. I saw how I was and just wasn't able to see it. I saw how my fears have rules my past, present and potential future.

Then God took me to my unforgivness, resentments and bitterness. I saw how I made most of it up because of my fear. I needed him to be the bad guy so I could justify my own insecurities. True, he has hit me. True, he has controlled me. True, he has been jealous. But he has never wavered on his love for me. I always have. He hasn't laid a hand on me in years. His underlying anger has disappeared. He has been humbling himself and doing whatever he can to make things right. Nothing I've acknowledged nor supported other than my occasional meep.

There are still new boundaries on this journey. But what was most amazing about surrendering and spending time with God was the healing that has taken place. God showed me the man H is and He showed me that H can't be that man until I'm steady. H has done his time. He has repented. God is working in him and it's time for me to stop putting faith in what I think I know and start living the way I know how.

After eating crow and apologizing for the years of pain that I have caused my husband, we had a wonderful talk and an understanding. He would control and be jealous when he thought he had caught me out of fear of losing me. I calmed those fears. Showed him a heart he knew was there but has never seen and he didn't run like I was sure he would. He stood there and told me I am beautiful. Still makes me cry when I talk about it. For the first time I believed him. Oh he probably meant it before, I just couldn't hear him. But now I do.

I'm not naive enough to think from here on its going to be a bed of roses. However without the doubt and anger, we stand a much better chance and I feel better knowing I'm more clear headed about it all.

I don't know how much I'm going to be able to write. Even though I'm not working, I'm staying busy. I'm excited to say our team wants to start our own ministry at our church! It might be a lot of work but it's the good kind of work. The kind where I spend several hours a day in prayer so that God can speak and direct our steps. Its work to shut off the brain. It's peaceful and amazing to be in His presence.

In the meantime, I will daily surrender my inner Roadrunner so she and the Coyote can live happily ever after... :)

Food for thought

There's a lot going through my head these days. Dad came back and explained himself further which was good and creepy too. I'm hoping it's because he and I think so much alike that he knew he would need to explain it further. Either that or he's reading my blog because this isn't the first time this has happened where he's addressed something I wrote about the day after me posting it. If so, Dad do not tell me you're reading this otherwise I'll end up censoring it and that defeats the purpose of this. Thanks.

So he clarified that my dependence on prescription drugs is making me dull. Not in a bad way but he talked about my personality and intelligence and how I'm not that way anymore. He's concerned about my health and wants to see me happy too. A lot of it is related to H and how I handle him. Although I'm a peacekeeper normally, I also know when things need to be confronted and I'm not doing it with h. Dad also said the bible says a woman can lead her husband to Christ through her love, care and patience.

Well there are two things. Dad is right. I'm addicted to my antidepressant. Mostly because I have had trouble with panic since my mom died and that sucks. However the thought of not having them right now scares me. I can't imagine how much anxiety I would have. It was crippling and that's why I went to the doc in the first place. But that state of mind shows that I am addicted. I feel like I need it. Like I feel like I need cigarettes. Not cool. But something I am willing to try if I'm in a better place with my faith. Right now, I'm wrestling.

Second thing is more complicated. A wife can change her husband with her actions. Huh... I have trouble with this. I think it can be true but I don't know if I personally can do that. Maybe if I got rid of the resentments but it's hard when the behaviors keep happening. Even then, I don't feel the kind of love for him that can move all obstacles. So is it my duty and responsibility to start seeing him as a child that I have to nurture, coach, lead and direct? Is it my job to hold him accountable and make him change? Is it on me to mold him into the man God and I want him to be? I don't know.

Let's say it is and I do it. Now what? Where am I? I'm in the same place of feeling like I was pushed into a marriage with a man I don't love romantically. Our life becomes tolerable and possibly even happy. But can I find the love I need to sustain a marriage for 20+ years?

K and G are celebrating 27 years this Friday. T has been married to L for 22 years. They can't imagine life without their partners and I can't imagine staying much longer than a year more. See the conflict? Is it really that I'm so messed up in the head that I am unable to have that love with anyone? Or have I just not met the right one?

When I see my future, it's without a man at all or if there is a man in the shadows waiting for me, he's by my side but we still don't live together and definitely are not married. Which is a conflict with what I wrote earlier about wanting a man to love like I see around me. I think it's my way of protecting myself emotionally.

I'm not getting any younger. Body parts are sagging, grey is starting to come in, wrinkles appearing slowly. I have stretch marks and have bore 5 kids. I don't have a job, an unable to work right now, am not secure financially and there's no 401k. I'm a risk and with each passing day the risk is greater. What do I have beside my personality to attract the opposite sex?

Ok so it isn't that bad but it could be. Nothing I said isn't true. I guess if it's love it doesn't matter and with h, he doesn't seem to mind. So do I hang in there and teach him how to love like my Dad suggested? Or do I follow a broken heart and hope for the best?

I really don't know. Thankfully it is in God's hands. I just need to get out of the way and let Him work. That's the hard part...

Weeds

My Dad has been coming over and working on the lawn. Today when I got outside he spouted off at me about how it's a mess and if he had to guess, he would say a couple of addicts live here. Yup. Seriously.

Now I'm not exactly sure how weeds correlate with addiction but he went on to talk about how both h and I need a 12 step group so we have accountability. I said I would consider it. However it's not unusual for my Dad to go off half-cocked if something is bothering him. What is bothering him, I don't know. I gave him permission to not putz on the yard but ya know, he is OCD sometimes so I just let him go. Yet I wonder what his accountability comment was about.

If it's about the yard, he's right. I haven't weeded the flower beds lately. Nor trimmed trees. In my defense h gets angry and defensive because it's "man's" work so I don't. But I don't have to let it stop me.

If he's talking metaphorically. He's absolutely right but who of us doesn't have weeds that need to be pulled? I know I do and I know I haven't been working on them like I should. A 12 step group for addiction? I don't know. Seems a little extreme considering I'm addicted to cigarettes. Maybe he's trying to tell me to quit smoking.

And yet, if I were to define the "weeds" in my life it would be easy. I just don't know what to do with them. I pull them out but they lay in a pile and re-seed themselves. Not good and I know it. Starting with resentments. I'm angry at both my mom and dad, at h, at myself, at my church, my abusers, my ex and his new wife. There is even some towards my children and definitely towards my step kids. And finally, I'm sure I am angry with God for some of the tragedies in my life I feel He could have stopped.

Underneath the anger is deep sadness, betrayal, pain, grief, hurt, loss and a deep well of tears I have yet to shed. Tears hungry for that safe place to let them go. But I have noticed I'm afraid to face them alone. I wish I trusted h with my heart. I don't. If I were to trust k, g, t or l with it then h would not only be mad at me but then as well. Maybe these days alone are when I try to go there, even if I'm alone. I don't know.

I do know that those tears and sadness are a trigger for panic and my fear of abandonment to rear its ugly head. That's why I don't want to go down that road alone. 

As a woman, I imagine there is nothing more comforting than being in the arms of your man. Where he holds you and you don't have to watch your back because he's got it. Where you don't have to fear what's in front of you because he is guarding. Where you can stop and rest and he's with you. Wholly, completely and fully.

Maybe that's what it will take. Find someone to take the weeds once I've pulled them and throw them away. Theoretically, God should be that person and He is and yet the human side of me needs a soul mate to hold on to through that journey.

Until then, I guess I'll keep leaking and pull the weeds from the top knowing they will be back and hoping God will find me worthy of the kind of love I seek from a man.

Blessing in Disguise

Been a rough couple weeks. Hurt myself. Ok maybe that is an understatement. I guess it depends on your definition of hurt. I tore my meniscus in two spots, am unable to bear much weight on my left leg and am facing knee surgery. Not to mention the cartilage is worn down to a point where I was told I will need knee replacement in the future. Stupid sports injuries from high school and a recent couple missteps to throw my whole world into chaos.

Believe it or not, I'm not all that upset about it. Those kinds of things don't really get me. I don't like being helpless and I'm not always mindful of how much I should take it easy but I'm ok. My only sadness is that I had to quit a job I loved. Recovery will take several months with physical therapy and surgery.

What has been the most difficult is how H is dealing with it. I'm a whiner. He reminds me he's hurting too because he works physically hard at work every day. Stuff like that. I called him out on how critical he's been and he left the room mad. Whatever. He might be better with me but he's still an ass to others. My daughter is living with us to help me out and I'm so grateful. I hope he doesn't scare her away with his attitude.

So what am I going to do when I'm stuck off my feet at home and not in physical therapy? Well first thing is work on my tan! :) Second, k came over today and we are going to do it more often again. I'm also going to work on chord sheets for the team but what I'm most looking forward to is time with God.

I need to get back to a place of strength with Him. I'm allowing myself to be manipulated and controlled again. I'm weak in my own flesh. I don't know how to care for myself. But He does so praying a lot and reflection and blogging. Getting to the core of issues, letting go of bitterness and resentments. Being ok with my sadness and tears. Putting fears to rest. Yay! Even though before I thought I wasn't making much progress, I realize I was moving in the right direction opposed to not having time to move at all. See, this is a blessing in disguise. Life is good!

Surrender

I've been trying to embrace death. Not something that I'm being very successful at. First of all, it's morbid. Secondly I'm unable to imagine parting from my kids and friends. I am a Christian and believe in heaven but oddly it doesn't bring me any comfort at all. Perhaps I don't believe as strongly as I thought. Although it isn't doubt in heaven, it's that I'm not ready to die.

But who is really? Unless you're suicidal or depressed to the point of wanting to die, I think all of us plan to live in one way or another. What we strive for and value vary but the plan to live is the same.

When I look at my life I don't feel like I've lived. A lot of it has to do with who I have married I think. I place such high regard on love and because I don't feel like I have fallen in love, I haven't lived. I've done my share of playing, done the majority of traveling I want to, achieved many goals and am proud of who I am for the most part...except loving myself and being loved by a man the way I want to be. That's what sticks out for me when I think of dying.

How strange to think something so simple would be such a stumbling block for me but it is. I also have such a fear of abandonment that I never want to do it to anyone nevertheless, I find myself absolutely assured those that I love will be fine without me and I know I'll be waiting for them in heaven. If I have such peace about that, how can I be afraid to fall asleep. Is it that I would be willingly inflicting pain on the loved ones? I hope not, that would be very arrogant to think I somehow have control over my death. Maybe that's it. Maybe it's that I don't have control over when. It could be tomorrow. It could be next week or next month. That thought terrorizes me. I'm not ready. I'm close but there is one big thing I need to do. I guess not need to but want desperately.

The idea that I could leave this earth without experiencing love kills me inside. Not that I have not experienced love because I love freely and willingly. I also have loving friends and children. I am blessed. Even teaching my family how to love which is no small feat. :)

Anyway, the point is that the desire to be desirable, cherished, totally committed, completely and wholly in love with a man who God choose for me is so deep it affects my subconscious. I have panic when faced with the possibility of death. Which makes me panic more because I think I'm dying then. It's a vicious cycle. All because I'm not ready and have no control.

On the flip side, I know God. He and I have been through a lot. He is my friend. And I know his plan is beyond my comprehension and understanding. I know He will figure it out and I can worry less about it. However I'm still human and I need to grieve the possibility that I may never have the fairytale love that lingers in the depths of my soul. Not sure how I'm gonna get there but I need to. I want to be free of all the oppression and find my Zen again. You know, that place where you have peace that passes all understanding because you have surrendered all parts of your life to God. Better get to surrendering...

Pleasurable Gift

The bible has me contemplating today. My verse of the day was Proverbs 18:22. It says "The one who finds a wife finds what is enjoyable, and receives a pleasurable gift from the Lord". I've been a wife 3 times and I've never been treated like a gift. I suppose because I don't think I am one...or didn't.

But now I see that I'm valuable. I work hard, love to cook and bake, enjoy taking care of my home for the most part, love God, love all those around me, am a good Mom and friend. I have a servants heart and just want to give to those around me, especially my husband and children and yet, rather than being seen as a gift I am taken advantage of. I hate it.

At first I didn't mind. It was what I wanted to do but I also honestly thought that H would give back. Sometimes he does and I have to give him credit for being a good provider and quite handy around the house. However where is the affection? Where is the care? Why can't I be spoiled once and a while? Why do I have to feel guilty for indulging in things I enjoy like drinking? Or napping? Or driving?

I've been so defeated lately. I'm not working on my grief like I should be. I still have horrible anxiety at night and find it hard to sleep. I feel myself closer to breaking down finally but can't do it around my spouse or kids. For 2 different reasons. My kids get scared when Mom isn't strong. I don't feel safe emotionally around H to let go or if I have a moment where I do, he turns it around and makes it about him. I'm exhausted treading water.

I should say more like I used to. But I shut down like he's used to me doing. I should say this isn't working and point out I gave him his 2 months and things are back to the way they used to be so he needs to walk away. I should kick him out for good and file for divorce. But I don't and I haven't. That alone is discouraging. Why is it so hard for me to hurt people? I know I should put me first but I don't know how. Mama bear seems to have gone on vacation and I miss my therapist.

Not just that but now that I'm back to being isolated but working, I miss my friends the most. H wants me to quit work and stay home again. Since I'm not, he believes I get enough socialization so we have to leave quickly and get to places late. He doesn't even see it. I subtly have tried to point it out and he gets defensive. To avoid an argument I drop the subject. I think my friends miss me too. That alone makes me sad.

Not that I have power over them, but my friends are real friends and we give and take and share with each other. I see they are also isolated from me because of this linebacker I call my husband. He hovers, I don't get my girl time and I think their mood is affected too. It's such an ugly situation that I only see one way out of and that has its own set of problems. But like I told T tonight, I believe God had a plan. What that is, I don't know but He has a little less than a year to do whatever He is going to so I'm just waiting.

I really hope someday I will be seen as a pleasurable gift. Just not sure if it will be with H or not. Perhaps I need to convince myself I am one so I accept nothing less. Now thats a thought...

Caution

Got my first pedicure today. What an experience. It was nice but very awkward for me. I can see why people do it but I have issues with sex being a reward. Not that I did anything of course but it was a man who did it and I realized that if we had been on a date or something, I would have felt obligated to have sex with him. Now that's messed up.

I can't really say why I feel that way. I suppose some of it is because I just don't feel worthy of attention without reciprocation. However, why would I not feel that paying him would be enough? Or even the tip I gave him? Why is that not enough?

The bible says I am suppose to cherish my body and treat it with respect. Knowing what I do about spiritual warfare, I know that there is a connection that you don't want to subject yourself to at random. You can pick up all sorts of "parasites". And yet, that doesn't scare me like it should. I know that in certain situations, I would not be able to have self control.

Is it nympho tendencies? I just can't say no to sex. Yet I can say no to my husband so I don't need an emotional connection. So it is sex with strangers that appeals to me? Possibly but there are people I'd just never sleep with. So I need physical attraction. I don't know.

What seems to be consistent is that I seem to think I have nothing worth offering but myself. My money, my time, my emotion, I don't consider it anything would want. But I assume a person would want sex. Ugh. I'm going to have to process that further. I don't want to go into a single life with this unresolved. Could be an ugly thing.

In fact, it's already ugly because I could easily cheat on my husband right now. Even though we are in a "trial" time, in other words separated emotionally, again in the right situation I wouldn't hesitate to cheat on him. I have so much animosity and I'm tired of needing to be on my toes constantly in order to avoid things going back to how they were. It would be so easy but I'm so close to freedom. What that freedom is, I don't know. Time will tell.

Yet I know that if I went and cheated on him or even told him I had, it would be over now. It is incredibly tempting. But I can't do it. Gotta see this through the right way. And yet, if we end up together in a year, I still need to be able to understand my vulnerability when it comes to men and sex. It's a dangerous mix regardless because one wrong move and I've not only put myself at risk but my family and possibly another marriage. No good. I'd better use caution.

Which direction?

Haven't written for a while. Hasn't been too much to write about and I've been trying to adjust to a summer schedule plus working and a house guest so I don't get much time. Not that I haven't been thinking because I have. Of course there is no resolutions yet although I'm seeing and feeling movement which is good. Just not sure which direction it's taking me.

I find myself noticing more and saying less again. I'm also not seeing my friends as much nor in therapy so my sounding boards aren't getting used. H is quickly shifting back to his old ways and even though I say less now, I still say something. For example I told him I didn't like the direction we are going and I'm not going back. His response was to tell me the changes he has noticed in me and how I can be better including quitting my job. Normally I would have kept my mouth shut. Tonight I told him to worry about what he needs to do and I'll worry about what I need to do because it won't work in the current state.

I'm increasingly aware of the June deadline. I'm so grateful for it. It's a form of accountability for me. Not just in my on again-off again marriage but individually as well. My heart is softening and I'm less afraid of my feelings. There is less shame in crying and I can feel myself closer to forgiving my mom. I'm tired of carrying it around.

Also my bff challenged me to listen to Christian radio to work every day last week. Although I didn't listen daily, I did a couple of the mornings when the silence was deafening. I have to admit the messages in the music certainly made a difference in my heart. It reminded me of the promises of the bible and what God has for me. It brought back hope. This time not in a future life without H or a soul mate but a hope in the present. That each moment, good or bad, each step I take, is in God's hands. It really doesn't matter what direction I am going because God is in the details. Now that's a hope I can hold on to. Thanks k. I love you.

Work

I have a friend who hfor recently separated from her boyfriend if 9 years. Shes hurt but doing fabulously. I find myself jealous of the potential she has for her future. I find myself wanting the same opportunities she has for her future.

I'm working now and loving it. Feels good to be busy, make new friends and feel productive. I forgot how much I love to work. Strange I suppose but I do. I always have and it doesnt matter what I'm doing. I just love to work.

I think its because I feel useful, needed, wanted, helpful and desired. I suppose my parents made me this way. They had high expectations of all of us kids. Unfortunately sometimes they were hard on us. And that made all of us feels like we needed to be perfect. I guess all 4 of us really have dealt with that in our own way.

We all have our own insecurities and fears. One brother became an alcoholic and still struggles to stay sober even though he is almost 40 years old. Another brother is an overachiever and tries to make himself feel better by striving for fame, power, money, prestige and reputation. Then my sister just doesn't come home and avoids the situation completely. It's too bad we can't find more productive ways to deal with our insecurities and frustrations with the way we were raised. But really who truly is able to cope with their upbringing and healthy way?

I don't think anybody. Can we say what normal is? I don't think so. At one point, the world used to I think they knew what normal was. However I think we have learned that we really don't. Thankfully in our humility, we stopped trying to strive for an ideal that doesn't exist. And yet with the freedom that brings, it also puts us in a place of uncertainty. We struggle to find ourselves in this world. We struggle to hold on to a sense of security but not knowing how to find it. Our hearts wrestle with our heads daily and we end our days exhausted by the fight. But we keep fighting.

That's another reason why I like to work. It presents me with an option to feel normal. Being a housewife is hard. There aren't many of us out there and it is a common thing for people to assume I'm not smart enough to do anything else. That bugs me. But I'm not so co-dependent that I lose sleep over it. Thank God for that! Lol!

Anyway, I'm glad to be in the real world even if I don't have all I want. I have what I need. That's good enough right?

No more fear?

H and I went to see my Dad tonight. He decided to share some past experiences with us. There were all sorts of stories but the one he stressed was me at 18 months old, running away from my parents, even climbing over a fence to get away. Dad's point was to show that deep inside me, deeper than comprehension, that if I stay in any one place, I will die.

As I ponder this, rather than wondering if it's true, I wonder how it has affected me. Dad says it's a fear of abandonment that started when I was born. Within a day of my birth, I was shipped off to my parents. I had no time for bonding with my birth mom and once I got with them, there was no ability on my Mom's part to bond and my Dad was always working. I was passed around from person to person in his little parish, never really knowing the security of having parents or even consistent relationships in my life. In turn I trust no one.

I know that part is true. I have never trusted anyone fully in my life. Not even myself. Usually people with abandonment issues rely fully on themselves. However because of my upbringing, I was made to doubt even myself. I am unable at this time to fully believe in anyone. Not even God.

What a sad, sad reality. It breaks my heart. But it explains a lot. I cannot trust marriage, I cannot trust friendship, I cannot trust common sense or researched decisions. I cannot believe a doctor, I cannot believe a lawyer. I cannot believe myself. Even if I'd had the opportunity, I would have sabotaged it. Not on purpose but unwittingly. The jagged pieces of my broken heart severing ties, making excuses, finding fault, passing judgement.

I don't want to live like this anymore. I cannot. I run from one extreme to another, lost and confused. Wanting to fit in and find my place but so distraught by the things of my past that I cannot be where I belong. It's no wonder I have been married 3 times. It's no wonder I have attended and worshipped at 6 different churches in my adult life. It's no wonder I don't even know who I am. And it's no one's fault. I can't blame my Moms. One was doing what she thought was right. The other was sick in her own ways. I am merely a product of being conceived.

Now what? Is there hope? Is there a way to get back to a place that goes beyond my existence to be healed? Is there a way God can reach beyond my comprehension, my memories, my feelings? Was I born with a broken heart? Will it ever be whole?

I don't know. But I know I have to try. I want to be whole. I want to trust. I want my marriage to work. I want a church home. I want the home I live in to be my house for the rest of my natural life. I want my friends to be in my life forever. I want to grow old and feel safe where I'm at, with whom I'm with and not want or need more. I don't want to be afraid anymore...

Summer Vacation

It's the last week of school and the kids are getting excited. They are bouncing off the walls eagerly awaiting the first day of summer so they can sleep in. Remember those days? I do. The rumbling through the halls with sparks of joy and anticipation as you barely focus on the task at hand to get through one more day of school. It was a fun time!

My little one isn't very proficient in math. It isn't that she doesn't try, it's that she just doesn't get it. Yet we live in a district where she is expected as a 6th grader to know 7th grade math. Because she passed with average scores, she is expected to take an extra math class next year to get her caught up to other kids in her grade...but those kids are already over-achieving. What she is looking forward to the most about summer is that she doesn't have to be constantly reminded that she isn't as good as her peers.

Why do we do that? Are we teaching our kids to compare themselves to other?. To try to compete and measure up instead of teaching them to do their best and try hard. Has it always been that way in the schools?

I never had trouble in school. I aced college; was on the deans list and carried an 3.7 GPA. In middle school and high school, I didn't have to try to do well and was in most of the advanced classes. And yet, somehow I still didn't measure up either. There was always a grade higher, there was always a better option, there was always...perfection. I even challenged myself to see how many things I could letter in during my high school career. I wanted to sport a covered letter jacket and I did. I lettered in academics, fine arts, track, gymnastics, swimming, diving, dance-line, cheerleading, volleyball, tennis, and softball. Never could pick up golf and I didn't like to compete in long races although I did like to run long distances but that was an escape from home. I could do that on week nights when I wasn't allowed to do anything else. Anyway...

Now as an adult I realize that perfection is not possible and yet I still struggle with not being good enough. If I understand that perfections isn't possible because I am a flawed human being, then why  should I be striving to live a life without mistakes? Why can't I accept that I don't have to look like others? Why do I feel guilty that I hold a PhD and yet do nothing with it? Why do I feel shame in staying home with my kids instead of pursuing a lofty career? I assume public perception is that I failed college, I wasn't smart enough to have a career, that having babies and being home with the kids is the only chance I had at having a normal life. Is that really how it is? Or am I making a mountain out of a mole hill?

Despite what society says, I still have my issues with being worthy. I am not worthy of love, I am not worthy of justice, I am not worthy of attention, I am not worthy of care. I must earn those things and if I don't earn them, I cannot expect or assume that anyone is going to care about me. Even as I type that I find myself shaking my head in disbelief. It is so ass-backwards. My thinking is so distorted. But is it? I look at my daughter struggling and wonder if it is all me. Perhaps it isn't. Perhaps the unspoken messages that are drifting around the world are that I must be better. That I need to make a bunch of money, that I need to drive fancy cars and wear lots of diamonds. Maybe the messages are that you are not worthy or good enough so you need to spend a lot more time and money on vacations, on stuff, on college and careers. Maybe the messages are that you must be within the government guidelines of height and weight to be healthy, happy.

Maybe those messages are wrong...and if they are. Then what? How does a person look beyond the stresses of the world and see their strengths? How does a person look in the mirror and feel worthy with all the ways they don't measure up? How does a person say to themselves, "I'm a mess" and still feel good about themselves?

The answer is God and yet even His grace is tough to accept at times. Yet if I can accept His grace and offer that same grace to myself...then life is going to always feel like a summer vacation.

I'm okay with that. :)

Commitment Issues

I have issues with commitment. I suppose that shouldn't come as a surprise being married 3 times and all but I do. It's a strange thing because I love the concept of marriage. I love what it was meant to be. I love what it is suppose to be. I love the idea of having your best friend with you at all times and someone to share the best and worst things of life together. A total trust with someone who knows all of you and loves you regardless.

I still want that. And oddly, it is seeming that H might actually be that man. It's not like I was intentionally testing him because the ultimatum and threats were real. I was done. But as he's accepted responsibility, I'm finding a man what is worth the effort. Even as unsure as I still am about this all working, he is patiently waiting, gently encouraging, and quick to apologize if old hurts he's caused come up. He also isn't pushing for a bigger commitment than I'm willing to give. He just wants to be by my side and wants to earn back the trust he so carelessly threw away. And not just my trust but the trust of our kids. I'm grateful.

Yet I am freaked by the concept of marriage. To me, it feels like a trap, submission, turning over control. That's my first mistake. I've always thought that is what it meant. My role as wife was to submit and let myself be controlled, manipulated and told what to do. I know in my head that's not correct. However convincing my heart is another matter.

Can I convince my heart that I can be in a forever relationship with anyone and still be who I am? Can I convince my heart that I have an opinion worth mentioning? Can I convince my heart that I am valuable, special and worth being treated well? Sometimes I think yes. Other times, when I'm not feeling very strong, I think no. And that conflict is not likely to go away. So I need someone that will help me to not compromise who I am in order to keep the peace. That's what has gotten me in this mess in the first place. H says he can do that, and for the last week or so he has. I hope it sticks. Because honestly, I don't want to do this again and I know I would.

I would like to say I would never get married again that I'd never allow myself to be in a long term relationship with someone again but I know better. Disney movies have lulled me into believing there is a soul mate out there for me. That one special prince.

My heart is still struggling with H. But again, he's not asking for much. And yet if I cannot give him what he wants, this is going to hurt us both so much more by hanging in there any longer. I keep saying, I can make this work. It will be okay and I believe that. But I keep coming back to the question of whether or not I should. Today I'm weak. Today I'm tired. Today I want to just give up this fight and just go with the flow. But why?

Am I wanting to give up because I am tired or is there somewhere in me that see's this is a good thing, he is actually who I was meant to be with and I am discontent because I am afraid of marriage? Well afraid of the concept of marriage that plagues me and stresses me out. I suppose the issues come from seeing how awful my parents marriage was. They hung in there. It was only by God's grace that my Dad was freed from the control at 66 when my Mom died. I don't want that. I don't want to wait that long. But marriage isn't meant to be something you are "freed" from and yet, that's exactly how I feel. Gonna have to explore this one in therapy because I'm not coming up with anything on my own.

In the meantime, I'll just stay where I am and hope that God will continue to do the good work in H that he has started (Phillipians) because at this point, there is a very real possibility that he is THE one and I'M the one that needs to accept it.

Happy Anniversary Mom

Today is the first anniversary of my Mom's passing. Honestly I didn't realize it until I logged onto Facebook and saw my brothers and sister had posted stuff about it. Strange how dates have no significance to me. Is that because I'm not the sentimental type? Or perhaps its another coping skill where I try to be blissfully ignorant. I don't know.

I think about what has happened over the last year. A lot and yet nothing significant. It's all perspective. There is nothing else that has happened that would stand out the way losing my Mom has. Sure, relationship issues, kid issues, church issues...they are truly mundane when it comes to life...or not life.

I don't know what I'd say to her if she was here. I can't say I miss her because I don't. I can't say I want her back because I don't. There are positive memories that I can hold on to but most of them are negative. That really sucks. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one in the family who feels like this. I know my Dad has expressed relief as well but he also grieves the loss of a companion, a friend and a partner. I don't.

I grieve the Mom she wasn't and yet I see how she made changes and tried to make things better. Changes that I didn't really accept when they happened. Now that she's gone I can see those attempts and partially feel grateful. The other part is angry. Why so long? How can you just think you can step up and buy me shit and think that it is going to be better? Giving me a book on my birthday called "You're fat and it's not your fault" is not a sign of love. Forcing me into a marriage with a man I wasn't in love with was not love. Shaming me for having dogs that shed hair and refusing to come over because of it wasn't love. Judging me for too many kid-drawn pictures and great homework scores on the fridge was not love. But it was her way of showing love no matter how ass-backwards.

When I look at the ways I was hurt by her I wonder what my brothers and sister remember. I wonder if they have chosen to look past that and see the public persona that was far different than the woman she was behind closed doors. I wonder if they have looked past all the abuse and decided that it would dishonor her memory if they went there. I wonder if they honestly didn't see it or experience it like I did and I just got to be her scapegoat for a bad day, a regretted life, a lost dream.

Yes I am angry with her. Not just for the bad things but also for robbing me of the life I could have had with a Mom who was nurturing, supportive, loving, gentle, kind and committed. I wonder how it would have been different if she had not put the kibosh on my songwriting career. I wonder how it would have been had she showed up at a track, gymnastics, swim meet. I wonder how it would have been if she had given me hugs and told me I was beautiful, special, important. I wonder how it would have been if she had said once she was proud of me. How would I have been different? What path would my life had taken?

Yet I am grateful for where I live, the friends in my life, my amazing children even though she tried to get me to abort a couple of them, my puppies, my home, my talents and gifts, my tenacity, my intelligence, my experiences that have shaped me into who I am today. I like myself for the most part. The core of who I am is good regardless of some of my less savory actions. :) And I can say that is because of who she was in my life. Good or bad, she had a major influence. I making progress in the bad areas and nurturing the good areas. She taught me how to be a survivor, how to be resourceful, showed me who I can trust and who I cant, and I can take a punch like a man. Never know when that is gonna come in handy... (wink).

So Mom, this one is for you. Good or bad I can't honestly say right now. However you were here, you're gone and I hope you are happy where you are. I know how to be happy and find joy. Thanks for that.

Brick Wall

I was suppose to go to my therapy appointment today. They moved him 40 miles away. I tried someone closer but didn't like her so I thought I could do the drive. I was wrong. My anxiety took over and the further away I got from home, the less I could breathe. My throat was closing, my chest heavy, my head spinning, my body flushing. I couldn't do it and I am so disappointed in myself.

He's texted me to ask if I'm running late and I can't bring myself to respond. I'm ashamed. How could I have been so naïve as to think that I could do this? What I find most perplexing is that I have no trouble driving my daughter 50 miles to her appointments. My girlfriend and I drove across nearly three states to attend her sisters funeral. Even just a few days ago, I drove to where K works and hung out there by myself and visited with her when she was available. But today, today I failed.

I feel like I have taken a step backwards. More than that actually. I feel like I've just rammed into a wall at full speed and have fallen flat on my back. I'm just laying here wondering when the wind is going to come back to me so I can get up. I haven't had this kind of anxiety in several weeks and I was hopeful it was over. I just don't understand why my brain must torture me like this.

I'm sure it has to do with feeling powerless. I suppose guilt and shame as well. I don't know. All I know is that some days it is exhausting. It takes so much energy just to function and I don't always know where it's coming from. I'm suppose to have band practice tonight and the thought of it is more than I can bear right now. Yet I know that my life has to go on. The kids will come home, there is dinner to prepare, I have one I need to pick up at noon, there's another I need to confront on some of her behaviors. So what now? I'm so disappointed and ashamed I'm having trouble staying upright. I want to go climb into bed and hide under the covers until tomorrow. At least I have tomorrow.

Tomorrow is a new day right? I can't predict or plan for tomorrow. I have to hold on to hope that it will be a better day. I can even hope that the rest of today will go better. But right now, I don't know if it will. I will shut down and try to focus on what tasks need to be done. A lifeless existence. One I had been trying to avoid. That's why therapy, that's why the meds, that's why the push to try to be a better person and improve my daily life. So I don't have to shut down, so I can have joy, peace, happiness, comfort and safety. Yet I find myself back in a place where I have to keep going...it's a perpetual circle of dysfunction and I want off this ride. How is that gonna happen when I keep failing? When I keep struggling with panic and anxiety? When I am paralyzed by shame?

My head hurts from running into this brick wall all the time...

Watch and See

I have spent the last couple days away from home with H. He asked and I felt like I needed to say yes. Partially to separate him and the kids and the other part because I'm his wife. I owe him.

What I was expecting was him to be apologetic. For him to grovel and apologize. To try to buy me and woo me. I expected him to pressure me into physical intimacy, to pretend there was nothing wrong between us, to try to put a bandaid on what has happened.

What I got was far different. I have been with a man who is humble, kind, gentle. A man who is learning to be secure with himself. A man who is no longer making excuses for his actions but acceptant of their hurtfulness and a man who wants to change.

He listens to me, he has seen how he has hurt me. He sees how he has emotionally abandon and crippled our children. He sees how much power he has as a man in our lives and he sees how blessed he is that we are all still here.

Most importantly he sees who I am and has not tried to change it at all. Quite the opposite. He'll make comments like I'm so cute and I'll remind him he never used to think that. I used to piss him off. And his response is I know and I'm sorry. I can't believe I never saw you before.

Tonight we were at a restaurant and there was a couple with their little girl. The dad was clearly blocking the daughter from her mom as well as ignoring the girl. He only acknowledged her to tell her to stop interrupting, sit down and be quiet, or to give her looks that would have made me cry. H saw it and expressed his desire to want to tell the dad to pay attention, they are only little once. Then I pointed out that was how H has been with our kids.

Seeing it from the other side seemed to shock him. He was speechless and his eyes welled up with tears. He apologized. I told him it wasn't me he needs to make it up to. Now he can see how he has behaved and how the child responds to such negativity. That's why our girls don't want him around. That's why our girls are hurt. That's why they are done. That kind of treatment is horrible for anyone, especially a child. And he agreed.

Agreed. Seriously. Agreed. No excuses. No buts, no it's your fault because they are mimicking your attitude. Just you're right.

I don't know who this man I've been with is. I've seen bits and pieces over the years but not this man consistently. If this is truly who God has made him to be, there is a chance in this marriage. But I didn't tell him that, nor will I. Not yet anyway. I'm okay with him walking the fence and wondering at any moment when this is going to be over.

I don't want him to fear it being over but I also want to be honest. And today, honest is that I'm not convinced but I'm seeing and hearing things that I am taking notice of. He's has piqued my interest but not captured my heart. Oddly enough, his goal seems not to do that anymore. His goal is to just be a better man.

How that affects our marriage, I don't know. I'm not taking divorce lightly and would prefer not to have to but I am not going to sacrifice myself any longer. If God puts us back together, fine. If not, that's fine too. For now I'm just gonna watch and see. So far so good...

Living The Dream

I'm sitting in the restaurant my best friend works at. Hoping she will get off a little early so we can chill but even if she doesn't, I'm going to do this more often.

I'm humored watching and listening to people. We really are very confusing as people. Our words say one thing and our actions another. There's a couple of ladies next to me bragging about their lives. Comparing notes and trying to top each other with who's kids have better grades, who makes more money, who has better relationships. It's sad yet funny. I feel bad that is what they gauge their worth by and chuckle because I've been there.

I remember caring what neighborhood I lived in, what car I drove, how much money my husband makes, whether or not my kids are well groomed when they leave the house. I remember not daring to be seen in any place "unsavory" or with people that could hurt my "image". Then God got me. He dropped me to my knees and made me choose between His way or the world's way. I choose God and had to give it all up. Oddly it didn't feel like it was much of a sacrifice.

What I gained was far greater. A sense of peace. A future without competition but contentment. Joy in the safety and security of knowing I don't have to measure up, I just need to be me. Flaws, faults, hurts, resentments included. It's all good.
I look back at myself and giggle. I was so niave. I was so young. I really had bought into the "american dream" but it's worthless and yet so many people are trapped in the place of living the dream. What do you think would happen if the world started to live a new dream?

It's a cool thought...

Fat Lady Sings?

I know I've already written today but a lot has happened since the last time I wrote. H and I both had therapy. With different people at different times. But it was good and what needs to happen.

I went back further than I have before in looking at my history with H. There was a time that he was a safe place. A time where I had accepted the choice my parents made for me and really tried to make it work. A time where he and I saw eye to eye and we got along really well. I don't believe my parents would have set me up with someone they thought was going to be a complete ass. So they must have seen something. That's what I went looking for...what did they see.

What I saw was a man who was once humble. Who had a heart of gold, who was kind and soft-spoken, who was gentle and loving, who was giving and supportive. A man who loved me with every fiber of himself and in a beautiful, Godly way. I also saw that I loved him the same way...then we got married and it all went to hell.

Strange how our perceptions change. I had been asking God to soften my heart. Maybe this is an answer to prayer. I'm hopeful but cautious. In no way does this mean he is off the hook, it just means that I am seeing more than I was and am less blinded by the anger and resentments. I still have that anger and will hold on to it as long as I need to. I use it as strength right now. Something I've never acknowledged that I've done. But as much as I hate anger, it has served its purpose well in my life. I'm afraid of becoming my mother and other abusers in my life but I realize that I have self-control now and I'm a lot less afraid of myself. That's been a blessing because I have given myself the okay to be mad and I find it comforting to be there and know it will continue to keep me on the right track.

On to H. He had therapy today too and for the first time, I was given a genuine, whole-hearted apology. Not one riddled with excuses or blaming but a humble and repentant sorry. It shocked me. I saw shame, I saw guilt, I saw sadness, I saw a broken soul before me. Now whether it stays, we will see but I was impressed. Of course I didn't let him know how impressed I was but I did thank him. The other thing that was unusual about it was that he was without words. Not his way. He's one of those that likes to drive it home 300 different ways before giving it up. He said only he was sorry for everything and he listed everything. Then he said all his actions have repercussions and consequences and he was prepared to accept those.

Wow! Acceptance and humility. Not his strengths. But if God can work in my life and those around us, why can't he work in H's life as well? I have seen my daughters overcome amazing trauma's and life issues. I have seen them fight battles with depression and self-harm. I have seen them deny who they are just to try to fit into the world they once lived in. I have also seen them rise above the pressure, above the ugliness that once consumed them and become better and amazing human beings. If God can work in them like he has, why not H? Truth is, God can. God can do anything. Not just in H's life but in mine and in the life of this family.

I don't know what the future is going to hold. I will NOT go back to the life it once was. There is absolutely no doubt in that. If H and I stay together it will not be because I have given in to the pressure and loneliness. It will be because God has ordained it and has brought both our hearts to a place where there can be the kind of love a husband and wife need to have for each other. Again I surrender it to Him who is the great I Am and just wait and see. For now, I'm treading lightly, keeping my true thoughts to myself but hoping for the best. And as I'm doing that, I'm watching closely to see if the repentant heart that has been revealed to me stays that way or if we go back to the old crap. Maybe this will stick...who knows...but this is still the last chance; the last stand, the last hurrah or whatever other metaphor you want to use. The fat lady sings or this is over.

Cross Eyed and Confused

I'm not going now. I'm really annoyed and angry about it too. It was suppose to be a time of soul searching, of respite, of recharging but not gonna get it. Figures. I knew that it was a possibility this could all blow up but I had honestly hoped it would work out. I needed it to work out. So what happened?

The girls confronted me about being fearful around him. When I asked more about why, they told me from seeing him abuse me, the dogs, him punching things, slamming doors, etc. The one daughter that was going to be home alone with him this weekend asked me not to go. So I cancelled the reservations and talked to him about their fears.

Of course that was a farce because it was my fault. They don't respect him because I don't. They aren't giving him a chance because I'm not. They are afraid because I am. If I could just change my attitude, forgive and move on, then they could too. Huh...naturally I have to assess if any of that is true. It could be. But they weren't saying that they were afraid because I was. They were saying that witnessing the behaviors that they have, it has caused fear. Enough fear they don't want to be alone with him.

I'm at a complete loss. I'm losing hope that I can maintain this thing. I tried to kick him out again and he still refuses to go. He's insistent that he loves me and this can work. He's made changes that I need to recognize and acknowledge.

What he can't seem to understand is why I can't give him another chance. Why I can't just allow him into my heart. Why I can't seem to let go of the resentments and bitterness. I asked him where my feelings came into play and he said he hears my feelings and cares about my feelings but they are wrong and he's not going anywhere...because he loves me.

Am I insane? Should I be flattered? Should I be grateful? Should I be feeling honored that he's making a valiant effort? Because I don't. I don't like this at all. I am not feeling respected. I am not feeling like my feelings matter. I am not feeling loved or cared for at all. What I'm feeling is exhausted, tired, and worn out. It was everything I could do last night to not climb back into bed with him, give up this fight and just allow it all to continue the way it has.

I don't know how I find the fight to keep going. And so then I wonder if I should at all. What he wants is this whole thing to turn around and I just embrace him back and say good boy. Yet I can't. My children aren't feeling safe, I'm not feeling safe and this isn't going to work. No matter how hard I try to convince him of that, he cannot see it. He tells me I'm bitter and angry and that's not okay. He's right it isn't but how do I get over it with him in my face all the time.

I guess I thought this split up could be an amicable one. I thought I could help him see how wrong the entire situation is. I thought we could walk away friends. I don't think that's going to happen. However I'm not done trying for that. He's willing to go to therapy together now so maybe I can have a therapist help me tell him this is over. I don't know. He tells me it's a sign of how much he loves me by not leaving even though I repeatedly ask him to go. Really? Which one of us is messed up here?

I just don't know...

Treading water

I'm super excited about the weekend! He gave me a budget which was a very generous amount. I won't use it all. However after all the accusations and other things I find myself not sure about going. Not that I'm going to do anything wrong but because his insecurities have made me feel guilty and ashamed.

Its those kind of things that I am not sure I can continue to live with. Without even trying he makes me feel like crap about myself. I know it is because I am hyper-sensitive and just doing what I was trained to do as a child but it still sucks. I get tired sometimes and I wonder how long I can keep fighting to keep my head above water. It would be so easy to just let it all suck me under and allow myself to fall prey to the current that is trying so hard to make me what I was. And some days, I want that. I want to go back to the control, the manipulation, the shame, the guilt. At least I knew what to expect and how to deal with it. This new way is really tiring.

I have managed to get my head above water. I see light and know there is something beyond the horizon but don't know what it is. I find myself overwhelmed and afraid. What if there isn't anything beyond what I can see? What if there is but it's too far away and I won't be able to make it there? What if I'm wrong and all this work and struggling is just in vain? Have I wasted all this time and effort on learning who I am and trying to have a place where it's okay to be, just to have it be a life raft with a hole in it?

That's where God has to come in. Those questions are legitimate and real for me and the only answer is faith. I have to believe there is something there. I have to have hope in a God who has never left me down before. I have to hang on, find strength deep inside that I don't usually tap into and stay-the-course. I know I do...but some days even faith is hard to have.

So I will keep treading water and anxiously await my opportunity to have 4 nights and 5 days rest. I fear it will be impeded on, robbed from me or turn into a spectacle of unknown proportion because I don't believe H can let go of control and jealousy. But I am so desperate for the opportunity that's a chance I'm willing to take.