Living The Dream

I'm sitting in the restaurant my best friend works at. Hoping she will get off a little early so we can chill but even if she doesn't, I'm going to do this more often.

I'm humored watching and listening to people. We really are very confusing as people. Our words say one thing and our actions another. There's a couple of ladies next to me bragging about their lives. Comparing notes and trying to top each other with who's kids have better grades, who makes more money, who has better relationships. It's sad yet funny. I feel bad that is what they gauge their worth by and chuckle because I've been there.

I remember caring what neighborhood I lived in, what car I drove, how much money my husband makes, whether or not my kids are well groomed when they leave the house. I remember not daring to be seen in any place "unsavory" or with people that could hurt my "image". Then God got me. He dropped me to my knees and made me choose between His way or the world's way. I choose God and had to give it all up. Oddly it didn't feel like it was much of a sacrifice.

What I gained was far greater. A sense of peace. A future without competition but contentment. Joy in the safety and security of knowing I don't have to measure up, I just need to be me. Flaws, faults, hurts, resentments included. It's all good.
I look back at myself and giggle. I was so niave. I was so young. I really had bought into the "american dream" but it's worthless and yet so many people are trapped in the place of living the dream. What do you think would happen if the world started to live a new dream?

It's a cool thought...

Fat Lady Sings?

I know I've already written today but a lot has happened since the last time I wrote. H and I both had therapy. With different people at different times. But it was good and what needs to happen.

I went back further than I have before in looking at my history with H. There was a time that he was a safe place. A time where I had accepted the choice my parents made for me and really tried to make it work. A time where he and I saw eye to eye and we got along really well. I don't believe my parents would have set me up with someone they thought was going to be a complete ass. So they must have seen something. That's what I went looking for...what did they see.

What I saw was a man who was once humble. Who had a heart of gold, who was kind and soft-spoken, who was gentle and loving, who was giving and supportive. A man who loved me with every fiber of himself and in a beautiful, Godly way. I also saw that I loved him the same way...then we got married and it all went to hell.

Strange how our perceptions change. I had been asking God to soften my heart. Maybe this is an answer to prayer. I'm hopeful but cautious. In no way does this mean he is off the hook, it just means that I am seeing more than I was and am less blinded by the anger and resentments. I still have that anger and will hold on to it as long as I need to. I use it as strength right now. Something I've never acknowledged that I've done. But as much as I hate anger, it has served its purpose well in my life. I'm afraid of becoming my mother and other abusers in my life but I realize that I have self-control now and I'm a lot less afraid of myself. That's been a blessing because I have given myself the okay to be mad and I find it comforting to be there and know it will continue to keep me on the right track.

On to H. He had therapy today too and for the first time, I was given a genuine, whole-hearted apology. Not one riddled with excuses or blaming but a humble and repentant sorry. It shocked me. I saw shame, I saw guilt, I saw sadness, I saw a broken soul before me. Now whether it stays, we will see but I was impressed. Of course I didn't let him know how impressed I was but I did thank him. The other thing that was unusual about it was that he was without words. Not his way. He's one of those that likes to drive it home 300 different ways before giving it up. He said only he was sorry for everything and he listed everything. Then he said all his actions have repercussions and consequences and he was prepared to accept those.

Wow! Acceptance and humility. Not his strengths. But if God can work in my life and those around us, why can't he work in H's life as well? I have seen my daughters overcome amazing trauma's and life issues. I have seen them fight battles with depression and self-harm. I have seen them deny who they are just to try to fit into the world they once lived in. I have also seen them rise above the pressure, above the ugliness that once consumed them and become better and amazing human beings. If God can work in them like he has, why not H? Truth is, God can. God can do anything. Not just in H's life but in mine and in the life of this family.

I don't know what the future is going to hold. I will NOT go back to the life it once was. There is absolutely no doubt in that. If H and I stay together it will not be because I have given in to the pressure and loneliness. It will be because God has ordained it and has brought both our hearts to a place where there can be the kind of love a husband and wife need to have for each other. Again I surrender it to Him who is the great I Am and just wait and see. For now, I'm treading lightly, keeping my true thoughts to myself but hoping for the best. And as I'm doing that, I'm watching closely to see if the repentant heart that has been revealed to me stays that way or if we go back to the old crap. Maybe this will stick...who knows...but this is still the last chance; the last stand, the last hurrah or whatever other metaphor you want to use. The fat lady sings or this is over.

Cross Eyed and Confused

I'm not going now. I'm really annoyed and angry about it too. It was suppose to be a time of soul searching, of respite, of recharging but not gonna get it. Figures. I knew that it was a possibility this could all blow up but I had honestly hoped it would work out. I needed it to work out. So what happened?

The girls confronted me about being fearful around him. When I asked more about why, they told me from seeing him abuse me, the dogs, him punching things, slamming doors, etc. The one daughter that was going to be home alone with him this weekend asked me not to go. So I cancelled the reservations and talked to him about their fears.

Of course that was a farce because it was my fault. They don't respect him because I don't. They aren't giving him a chance because I'm not. They are afraid because I am. If I could just change my attitude, forgive and move on, then they could too. Huh...naturally I have to assess if any of that is true. It could be. But they weren't saying that they were afraid because I was. They were saying that witnessing the behaviors that they have, it has caused fear. Enough fear they don't want to be alone with him.

I'm at a complete loss. I'm losing hope that I can maintain this thing. I tried to kick him out again and he still refuses to go. He's insistent that he loves me and this can work. He's made changes that I need to recognize and acknowledge.

What he can't seem to understand is why I can't give him another chance. Why I can't just allow him into my heart. Why I can't seem to let go of the resentments and bitterness. I asked him where my feelings came into play and he said he hears my feelings and cares about my feelings but they are wrong and he's not going anywhere...because he loves me.

Am I insane? Should I be flattered? Should I be grateful? Should I be feeling honored that he's making a valiant effort? Because I don't. I don't like this at all. I am not feeling respected. I am not feeling like my feelings matter. I am not feeling loved or cared for at all. What I'm feeling is exhausted, tired, and worn out. It was everything I could do last night to not climb back into bed with him, give up this fight and just allow it all to continue the way it has.

I don't know how I find the fight to keep going. And so then I wonder if I should at all. What he wants is this whole thing to turn around and I just embrace him back and say good boy. Yet I can't. My children aren't feeling safe, I'm not feeling safe and this isn't going to work. No matter how hard I try to convince him of that, he cannot see it. He tells me I'm bitter and angry and that's not okay. He's right it isn't but how do I get over it with him in my face all the time.

I guess I thought this split up could be an amicable one. I thought I could help him see how wrong the entire situation is. I thought we could walk away friends. I don't think that's going to happen. However I'm not done trying for that. He's willing to go to therapy together now so maybe I can have a therapist help me tell him this is over. I don't know. He tells me it's a sign of how much he loves me by not leaving even though I repeatedly ask him to go. Really? Which one of us is messed up here?

I just don't know...

Treading water

I'm super excited about the weekend! He gave me a budget which was a very generous amount. I won't use it all. However after all the accusations and other things I find myself not sure about going. Not that I'm going to do anything wrong but because his insecurities have made me feel guilty and ashamed.

Its those kind of things that I am not sure I can continue to live with. Without even trying he makes me feel like crap about myself. I know it is because I am hyper-sensitive and just doing what I was trained to do as a child but it still sucks. I get tired sometimes and I wonder how long I can keep fighting to keep my head above water. It would be so easy to just let it all suck me under and allow myself to fall prey to the current that is trying so hard to make me what I was. And some days, I want that. I want to go back to the control, the manipulation, the shame, the guilt. At least I knew what to expect and how to deal with it. This new way is really tiring.

I have managed to get my head above water. I see light and know there is something beyond the horizon but don't know what it is. I find myself overwhelmed and afraid. What if there isn't anything beyond what I can see? What if there is but it's too far away and I won't be able to make it there? What if I'm wrong and all this work and struggling is just in vain? Have I wasted all this time and effort on learning who I am and trying to have a place where it's okay to be, just to have it be a life raft with a hole in it?

That's where God has to come in. Those questions are legitimate and real for me and the only answer is faith. I have to believe there is something there. I have to have hope in a God who has never left me down before. I have to hang on, find strength deep inside that I don't usually tap into and stay-the-course. I know I do...but some days even faith is hard to have.

So I will keep treading water and anxiously await my opportunity to have 4 nights and 5 days rest. I fear it will be impeded on, robbed from me or turn into a spectacle of unknown proportion because I don't believe H can let go of control and jealousy. But I am so desperate for the opportunity that's a chance I'm willing to take.

Amoeba Woman

I'm going away this weekend. I'm looking forward to the time alone. Its something I used to do every 3 months or so just to keep my head on straight and manage my feelings. I've never lived in a situation where I have the luxury of being okay with being vulnerable around my family. That's sad to me because it should be that way. I think of home as a sanctuary but it's not.

I am so jealous of those that get their home to be their away places. Maybe I'm delusional but I feel like I should be able to cry in front of my spouse. I should be able to break down and he will take care of the kids, house, pets, whatever it is while I'm having my "moment". I should expect to be able to cry on his shoulder and not have to fear the repercussions or have it turned around into all about him. I cannot tell you how desperately I want that. I'm actually a little pouty about it. What the hell...why hasn't it been that way?

I know why it hasn't been that way. Its because I haven't been honest with anyone around me especially not men I'm in a relationship with. Not that I don't want to be but the past has had such a hold on me, that I have been an amoeba. I change color and shape with the needs of my partner. All to make sure they stay happy. Meanwhile I'm not being true to myself. That's the kind of stuff I told H last night.

He came home from work pissed off about it too. He has every right. What he thought was genuine feelings between us was me trying to make everyone around me happy. He felt it. I didn't. He really didn't understand that before. I tried to tell him but he wouldn't listen. I made him listen. He needs to hear me. I suppose I shouldn't care so much but I do.

I care because I want him to be okay after the divorce. Stupid right? But this is all my fault. Yes he had his issues however I have never been honest with him like I have been lately. That's because I'm figuring out who I am and liking what I am finding. Mostly anyway... But I want him to walk away knowing it wasn't him. He has issues like any of us but the core issue that makes this not work it on me. I wasn't me.

Of course then he tells me he loves me anyway, forgives me and asks if he would be so horrible to live with. I just ignore the question and change the subject. The truth is no, he wouldn't be if the changes he's made recently are real. However, as I keep telling him, what I don't know is if I'm going to be able to let go all of the crap that has happened. His actions on top of my history and left very deep wounds that will scar when they heal. I will be wounded and I don't think I can ever allow myself to be in that place of vulnerability again. At least not with him. Truthfully in therapy, I just want to be able to go there with someone sometime and as me. Not the person my parents tried to force me to be, not the person I constantly changed to be to make those around me happy, but me.

I have a friend who is insistent that he is not worth knowing. It makes me sad that he would feel that way and yet I can relate. I often wonder why people would bother with me. I'm a mess. I don't mean that in a feel sorry for me way but more in my head way. I don't see myself yet the way others see me. I know I will someday but at least that's what I'm looking for. S doesn't believe there is anything for anyone to see. I will keep praying for him.

Anyway, back to the point. The days of me being wishy-washy with who I am and what I believe in are gone. Now as I find myself, I'm going to hold on to it and if people don't like it, too bad. I like me. God doesn't make junk, and that includes me. :) It's a good day...

Storms

H and I had a really good talk tonight. He's accepting of the separation. He's not leaving but he's aware of our relationship status and that there are no guarantees. I laid it all out for him. All those things that's I've avoided saying so I didn't hurt him were said. All those secrets I've kept about the things that have hurt me over the years. He said it was like they all just came from nowhere. I'm sure it felt that way.

I finally said enough and now the dust is settling. I had been blinded by the life we were in. It was a whirlwind of emotion, abuse, anger, resentment but now that the twister has gone, we can see what damage has been done and what we are going to need to do to make it right.

There are some things that can be repaired. Things that were annoyances that are easy to compromise on. Things that in many cases, I took personally but weren't meant that way at all. I can tell him my feelings were hurt, accept an apology, forgive and move on.

Other things can be rebuilt. We can learn to be friends again. We can find common ground and take it from there. We can build on the foundation of God's love as brother and sister in Christ.

But some things are going to have to be replaced. What that is has yet to be determined. Some things just aren't worth investing time and energy into. Some things are. Some things have been destroyed by the storm to the degree that there is no choice but to buy a new one.

Buy. Huh what an interesting thought. Another way to say it would be invest. What is it we will invest in? Will we invest in a life together or a life apart? Will we invest in a marriage or friendship? I say we but truth is it's me. What am I willing to invest in?

He's already said he wants to invest in our home, our marriage, our future. You think I'd be happy to hear that but I'm not. You would think as a wife I'm relieved and glad but I'm not. I'm mortified at the idea. I do not believe he is worth investing anymore time in. Wait, I believe he is. I don't believe the marriage is. Because as long as he's in my face, I'm not going to be able to forgive. He thinks I can so he stays. He has been told otherwise by not just me but he refuses to listen. Then he also chooses the consequences.

Time will tell. One of the good things we talked about was the house. It is mine. He won't take it from me he said. I'm going to make him prove it by transferring the deed into my name only and signing a legal doc saying he won't but I'm hoping that he will stay true to his word. So that's one less thing I'm going to worry about as we settle in after the storm.

One thing about storms is that everything has been washed clean. It is fresh and the world rejuvenates. Once the dust settles and the clouds disappear, we get to start again. In the meantime, it's time for me to take inventory and decide what is going to need to be repaired, rebuilt, and replaced.

Mr. Rogers Neighborhood

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Wouldn't it be nice to live in a place where Mr. Rogers lives? A place where cats give sound advice, doctors live in tree houses and a little train talks to you? Sounds like a cool place to be. But here is cool too. Especially when the weather is as beautiful as it is.

I love the sun. I love water too. And fire... Guess I love it all. But the sun seems to help when you're crying on the inside. It makes you realize there is a new day, a more positive future, a happiness in store for you. Even if we don't know what it is, the sun reminds us to smile.

I love to smile, to laugh. I'm doing so much more now. The girls and I have so much fun together. I know H feels like crap because we don't include him but he refuses to leave so he gets what he gets. Not to be a bitch or anything but he's torturing himself. We have fun and that's ok. We don't rub his nose in it but we don't hide anymore either.

I told him today how they have been feeling. How they have seen the way he has treated their Mom, how they want him gone too, how they are hoping this marriage is over, how he has been a jerk to them too and it isn't just me that he's going to have to make amends with. I think that took him by surprise.

He honestly didn't realize how much they had seen and experienced. When the girls and I got back from a fun afternoon, he was sitting in a chair on the deck with a forlorn look on his face. I asked him what was up. He said this whole thing could have been different if he had just listened sooner. He may not have lost everything if he had not been so arrogant. That was good to hear.

He's right. It could have been different if he had earned my heart. But he didn't. He took it. He got a ring on me and took me for a ride. My friend asked me to think back to the beginning. Did I love him? Was I eager to spend every moment with him? Did I want to jump his bones every chance I got because I thought he was the sexiest thing on two legs? Was my heart empty without him near? I wish I could say yes but I can't. I was resistant from the beginning. I didn't even want to date much less get married again.

After my last divorce, I wanted to heal. Much like now. I wanted to be alone. I looked forward to the challenge of it and the time with my girls while they were still in the house. I wanted a clean start. And I was broken. Oh so broken. I tear up thinking about how broken and vulnerable I actually was. I wish I would have trusted myself. I wish I would not have let my parents guilt and shame me. I wish I would have taken the time I needed. But I didn't. I went along with the flow assuming my parents knew what was best for me. Wow, was I wrong. But so were they.

No one wins in a divorce. It hurts everyone. The exes, the kids, the families, the friends. Absolutely everyone is affected. Amazing the ripple effect of this kind of life changing event. But some of those ripples can be good if allowed. He can have a better future. I can have a better future. The married friends in our life can see this as a chance to remind their spouses how good they are and thank God for the relationship they have. The kids get their Mom as she was intended to be thus having more peace and security. It can be good. I hope it is.

I hope that his recent realizations help him to see he needs to leave. I really don't want to get the police involved. I hope his understanding and apparent acceptance that this is over, will motivate him to walk away with dignity instead of fighting for something that isn't mutually there. I hope we can do this as friends and not get stuck in a legal battle over stuff and possessions. In Mr. Rogers Neighborhood we could. But that's not where we are...are we?