Happy Anniversary Mom

Today is the first anniversary of my Mom's passing. Honestly I didn't realize it until I logged onto Facebook and saw my brothers and sister had posted stuff about it. Strange how dates have no significance to me. Is that because I'm not the sentimental type? Or perhaps its another coping skill where I try to be blissfully ignorant. I don't know.

I think about what has happened over the last year. A lot and yet nothing significant. It's all perspective. There is nothing else that has happened that would stand out the way losing my Mom has. Sure, relationship issues, kid issues, church issues...they are truly mundane when it comes to life...or not life.

I don't know what I'd say to her if she was here. I can't say I miss her because I don't. I can't say I want her back because I don't. There are positive memories that I can hold on to but most of them are negative. That really sucks. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one in the family who feels like this. I know my Dad has expressed relief as well but he also grieves the loss of a companion, a friend and a partner. I don't.

I grieve the Mom she wasn't and yet I see how she made changes and tried to make things better. Changes that I didn't really accept when they happened. Now that she's gone I can see those attempts and partially feel grateful. The other part is angry. Why so long? How can you just think you can step up and buy me shit and think that it is going to be better? Giving me a book on my birthday called "You're fat and it's not your fault" is not a sign of love. Forcing me into a marriage with a man I wasn't in love with was not love. Shaming me for having dogs that shed hair and refusing to come over because of it wasn't love. Judging me for too many kid-drawn pictures and great homework scores on the fridge was not love. But it was her way of showing love no matter how ass-backwards.

When I look at the ways I was hurt by her I wonder what my brothers and sister remember. I wonder if they have chosen to look past that and see the public persona that was far different than the woman she was behind closed doors. I wonder if they have looked past all the abuse and decided that it would dishonor her memory if they went there. I wonder if they honestly didn't see it or experience it like I did and I just got to be her scapegoat for a bad day, a regretted life, a lost dream.

Yes I am angry with her. Not just for the bad things but also for robbing me of the life I could have had with a Mom who was nurturing, supportive, loving, gentle, kind and committed. I wonder how it would have been different if she had not put the kibosh on my songwriting career. I wonder how it would have been had she showed up at a track, gymnastics, swim meet. I wonder how it would have been if she had given me hugs and told me I was beautiful, special, important. I wonder how it would have been if she had said once she was proud of me. How would I have been different? What path would my life had taken?

Yet I am grateful for where I live, the friends in my life, my amazing children even though she tried to get me to abort a couple of them, my puppies, my home, my talents and gifts, my tenacity, my intelligence, my experiences that have shaped me into who I am today. I like myself for the most part. The core of who I am is good regardless of some of my less savory actions. :) And I can say that is because of who she was in my life. Good or bad, she had a major influence. I making progress in the bad areas and nurturing the good areas. She taught me how to be a survivor, how to be resourceful, showed me who I can trust and who I cant, and I can take a punch like a man. Never know when that is gonna come in handy... (wink).

So Mom, this one is for you. Good or bad I can't honestly say right now. However you were here, you're gone and I hope you are happy where you are. I know how to be happy and find joy. Thanks for that.

Brick Wall

I was suppose to go to my therapy appointment today. They moved him 40 miles away. I tried someone closer but didn't like her so I thought I could do the drive. I was wrong. My anxiety took over and the further away I got from home, the less I could breathe. My throat was closing, my chest heavy, my head spinning, my body flushing. I couldn't do it and I am so disappointed in myself.

He's texted me to ask if I'm running late and I can't bring myself to respond. I'm ashamed. How could I have been so naïve as to think that I could do this? What I find most perplexing is that I have no trouble driving my daughter 50 miles to her appointments. My girlfriend and I drove across nearly three states to attend her sisters funeral. Even just a few days ago, I drove to where K works and hung out there by myself and visited with her when she was available. But today, today I failed.

I feel like I have taken a step backwards. More than that actually. I feel like I've just rammed into a wall at full speed and have fallen flat on my back. I'm just laying here wondering when the wind is going to come back to me so I can get up. I haven't had this kind of anxiety in several weeks and I was hopeful it was over. I just don't understand why my brain must torture me like this.

I'm sure it has to do with feeling powerless. I suppose guilt and shame as well. I don't know. All I know is that some days it is exhausting. It takes so much energy just to function and I don't always know where it's coming from. I'm suppose to have band practice tonight and the thought of it is more than I can bear right now. Yet I know that my life has to go on. The kids will come home, there is dinner to prepare, I have one I need to pick up at noon, there's another I need to confront on some of her behaviors. So what now? I'm so disappointed and ashamed I'm having trouble staying upright. I want to go climb into bed and hide under the covers until tomorrow. At least I have tomorrow.

Tomorrow is a new day right? I can't predict or plan for tomorrow. I have to hold on to hope that it will be a better day. I can even hope that the rest of today will go better. But right now, I don't know if it will. I will shut down and try to focus on what tasks need to be done. A lifeless existence. One I had been trying to avoid. That's why therapy, that's why the meds, that's why the push to try to be a better person and improve my daily life. So I don't have to shut down, so I can have joy, peace, happiness, comfort and safety. Yet I find myself back in a place where I have to keep going...it's a perpetual circle of dysfunction and I want off this ride. How is that gonna happen when I keep failing? When I keep struggling with panic and anxiety? When I am paralyzed by shame?

My head hurts from running into this brick wall all the time...

Watch and See

I have spent the last couple days away from home with H. He asked and I felt like I needed to say yes. Partially to separate him and the kids and the other part because I'm his wife. I owe him.

What I was expecting was him to be apologetic. For him to grovel and apologize. To try to buy me and woo me. I expected him to pressure me into physical intimacy, to pretend there was nothing wrong between us, to try to put a bandaid on what has happened.

What I got was far different. I have been with a man who is humble, kind, gentle. A man who is learning to be secure with himself. A man who is no longer making excuses for his actions but acceptant of their hurtfulness and a man who wants to change.

He listens to me, he has seen how he has hurt me. He sees how he has emotionally abandon and crippled our children. He sees how much power he has as a man in our lives and he sees how blessed he is that we are all still here.

Most importantly he sees who I am and has not tried to change it at all. Quite the opposite. He'll make comments like I'm so cute and I'll remind him he never used to think that. I used to piss him off. And his response is I know and I'm sorry. I can't believe I never saw you before.

Tonight we were at a restaurant and there was a couple with their little girl. The dad was clearly blocking the daughter from her mom as well as ignoring the girl. He only acknowledged her to tell her to stop interrupting, sit down and be quiet, or to give her looks that would have made me cry. H saw it and expressed his desire to want to tell the dad to pay attention, they are only little once. Then I pointed out that was how H has been with our kids.

Seeing it from the other side seemed to shock him. He was speechless and his eyes welled up with tears. He apologized. I told him it wasn't me he needs to make it up to. Now he can see how he has behaved and how the child responds to such negativity. That's why our girls don't want him around. That's why our girls are hurt. That's why they are done. That kind of treatment is horrible for anyone, especially a child. And he agreed.

Agreed. Seriously. Agreed. No excuses. No buts, no it's your fault because they are mimicking your attitude. Just you're right.

I don't know who this man I've been with is. I've seen bits and pieces over the years but not this man consistently. If this is truly who God has made him to be, there is a chance in this marriage. But I didn't tell him that, nor will I. Not yet anyway. I'm okay with him walking the fence and wondering at any moment when this is going to be over.

I don't want him to fear it being over but I also want to be honest. And today, honest is that I'm not convinced but I'm seeing and hearing things that I am taking notice of. He's has piqued my interest but not captured my heart. Oddly enough, his goal seems not to do that anymore. His goal is to just be a better man.

How that affects our marriage, I don't know. I'm not taking divorce lightly and would prefer not to have to but I am not going to sacrifice myself any longer. If God puts us back together, fine. If not, that's fine too. For now I'm just gonna watch and see. So far so good...

Living The Dream

I'm sitting in the restaurant my best friend works at. Hoping she will get off a little early so we can chill but even if she doesn't, I'm going to do this more often.

I'm humored watching and listening to people. We really are very confusing as people. Our words say one thing and our actions another. There's a couple of ladies next to me bragging about their lives. Comparing notes and trying to top each other with who's kids have better grades, who makes more money, who has better relationships. It's sad yet funny. I feel bad that is what they gauge their worth by and chuckle because I've been there.

I remember caring what neighborhood I lived in, what car I drove, how much money my husband makes, whether or not my kids are well groomed when they leave the house. I remember not daring to be seen in any place "unsavory" or with people that could hurt my "image". Then God got me. He dropped me to my knees and made me choose between His way or the world's way. I choose God and had to give it all up. Oddly it didn't feel like it was much of a sacrifice.

What I gained was far greater. A sense of peace. A future without competition but contentment. Joy in the safety and security of knowing I don't have to measure up, I just need to be me. Flaws, faults, hurts, resentments included. It's all good.
I look back at myself and giggle. I was so niave. I was so young. I really had bought into the "american dream" but it's worthless and yet so many people are trapped in the place of living the dream. What do you think would happen if the world started to live a new dream?

It's a cool thought...

Fat Lady Sings?

I know I've already written today but a lot has happened since the last time I wrote. H and I both had therapy. With different people at different times. But it was good and what needs to happen.

I went back further than I have before in looking at my history with H. There was a time that he was a safe place. A time where I had accepted the choice my parents made for me and really tried to make it work. A time where he and I saw eye to eye and we got along really well. I don't believe my parents would have set me up with someone they thought was going to be a complete ass. So they must have seen something. That's what I went looking for...what did they see.

What I saw was a man who was once humble. Who had a heart of gold, who was kind and soft-spoken, who was gentle and loving, who was giving and supportive. A man who loved me with every fiber of himself and in a beautiful, Godly way. I also saw that I loved him the same way...then we got married and it all went to hell.

Strange how our perceptions change. I had been asking God to soften my heart. Maybe this is an answer to prayer. I'm hopeful but cautious. In no way does this mean he is off the hook, it just means that I am seeing more than I was and am less blinded by the anger and resentments. I still have that anger and will hold on to it as long as I need to. I use it as strength right now. Something I've never acknowledged that I've done. But as much as I hate anger, it has served its purpose well in my life. I'm afraid of becoming my mother and other abusers in my life but I realize that I have self-control now and I'm a lot less afraid of myself. That's been a blessing because I have given myself the okay to be mad and I find it comforting to be there and know it will continue to keep me on the right track.

On to H. He had therapy today too and for the first time, I was given a genuine, whole-hearted apology. Not one riddled with excuses or blaming but a humble and repentant sorry. It shocked me. I saw shame, I saw guilt, I saw sadness, I saw a broken soul before me. Now whether it stays, we will see but I was impressed. Of course I didn't let him know how impressed I was but I did thank him. The other thing that was unusual about it was that he was without words. Not his way. He's one of those that likes to drive it home 300 different ways before giving it up. He said only he was sorry for everything and he listed everything. Then he said all his actions have repercussions and consequences and he was prepared to accept those.

Wow! Acceptance and humility. Not his strengths. But if God can work in my life and those around us, why can't he work in H's life as well? I have seen my daughters overcome amazing trauma's and life issues. I have seen them fight battles with depression and self-harm. I have seen them deny who they are just to try to fit into the world they once lived in. I have also seen them rise above the pressure, above the ugliness that once consumed them and become better and amazing human beings. If God can work in them like he has, why not H? Truth is, God can. God can do anything. Not just in H's life but in mine and in the life of this family.

I don't know what the future is going to hold. I will NOT go back to the life it once was. There is absolutely no doubt in that. If H and I stay together it will not be because I have given in to the pressure and loneliness. It will be because God has ordained it and has brought both our hearts to a place where there can be the kind of love a husband and wife need to have for each other. Again I surrender it to Him who is the great I Am and just wait and see. For now, I'm treading lightly, keeping my true thoughts to myself but hoping for the best. And as I'm doing that, I'm watching closely to see if the repentant heart that has been revealed to me stays that way or if we go back to the old crap. Maybe this will stick...who knows...but this is still the last chance; the last stand, the last hurrah or whatever other metaphor you want to use. The fat lady sings or this is over.

Cross Eyed and Confused

I'm not going now. I'm really annoyed and angry about it too. It was suppose to be a time of soul searching, of respite, of recharging but not gonna get it. Figures. I knew that it was a possibility this could all blow up but I had honestly hoped it would work out. I needed it to work out. So what happened?

The girls confronted me about being fearful around him. When I asked more about why, they told me from seeing him abuse me, the dogs, him punching things, slamming doors, etc. The one daughter that was going to be home alone with him this weekend asked me not to go. So I cancelled the reservations and talked to him about their fears.

Of course that was a farce because it was my fault. They don't respect him because I don't. They aren't giving him a chance because I'm not. They are afraid because I am. If I could just change my attitude, forgive and move on, then they could too. Huh...naturally I have to assess if any of that is true. It could be. But they weren't saying that they were afraid because I was. They were saying that witnessing the behaviors that they have, it has caused fear. Enough fear they don't want to be alone with him.

I'm at a complete loss. I'm losing hope that I can maintain this thing. I tried to kick him out again and he still refuses to go. He's insistent that he loves me and this can work. He's made changes that I need to recognize and acknowledge.

What he can't seem to understand is why I can't give him another chance. Why I can't just allow him into my heart. Why I can't seem to let go of the resentments and bitterness. I asked him where my feelings came into play and he said he hears my feelings and cares about my feelings but they are wrong and he's not going anywhere...because he loves me.

Am I insane? Should I be flattered? Should I be grateful? Should I be feeling honored that he's making a valiant effort? Because I don't. I don't like this at all. I am not feeling respected. I am not feeling like my feelings matter. I am not feeling loved or cared for at all. What I'm feeling is exhausted, tired, and worn out. It was everything I could do last night to not climb back into bed with him, give up this fight and just allow it all to continue the way it has.

I don't know how I find the fight to keep going. And so then I wonder if I should at all. What he wants is this whole thing to turn around and I just embrace him back and say good boy. Yet I can't. My children aren't feeling safe, I'm not feeling safe and this isn't going to work. No matter how hard I try to convince him of that, he cannot see it. He tells me I'm bitter and angry and that's not okay. He's right it isn't but how do I get over it with him in my face all the time.

I guess I thought this split up could be an amicable one. I thought I could help him see how wrong the entire situation is. I thought we could walk away friends. I don't think that's going to happen. However I'm not done trying for that. He's willing to go to therapy together now so maybe I can have a therapist help me tell him this is over. I don't know. He tells me it's a sign of how much he loves me by not leaving even though I repeatedly ask him to go. Really? Which one of us is messed up here?

I just don't know...

Treading water

I'm super excited about the weekend! He gave me a budget which was a very generous amount. I won't use it all. However after all the accusations and other things I find myself not sure about going. Not that I'm going to do anything wrong but because his insecurities have made me feel guilty and ashamed.

Its those kind of things that I am not sure I can continue to live with. Without even trying he makes me feel like crap about myself. I know it is because I am hyper-sensitive and just doing what I was trained to do as a child but it still sucks. I get tired sometimes and I wonder how long I can keep fighting to keep my head above water. It would be so easy to just let it all suck me under and allow myself to fall prey to the current that is trying so hard to make me what I was. And some days, I want that. I want to go back to the control, the manipulation, the shame, the guilt. At least I knew what to expect and how to deal with it. This new way is really tiring.

I have managed to get my head above water. I see light and know there is something beyond the horizon but don't know what it is. I find myself overwhelmed and afraid. What if there isn't anything beyond what I can see? What if there is but it's too far away and I won't be able to make it there? What if I'm wrong and all this work and struggling is just in vain? Have I wasted all this time and effort on learning who I am and trying to have a place where it's okay to be, just to have it be a life raft with a hole in it?

That's where God has to come in. Those questions are legitimate and real for me and the only answer is faith. I have to believe there is something there. I have to have hope in a God who has never left me down before. I have to hang on, find strength deep inside that I don't usually tap into and stay-the-course. I know I do...but some days even faith is hard to have.

So I will keep treading water and anxiously await my opportunity to have 4 nights and 5 days rest. I fear it will be impeded on, robbed from me or turn into a spectacle of unknown proportion because I don't believe H can let go of control and jealousy. But I am so desperate for the opportunity that's a chance I'm willing to take.