Spew

It's been several days since I've written. Mostly because I just have had so much to write about I wasn't sure where to start. That and the weekend didn't allow me the opportunity to write like I usually try to. So I'm going to recap what's been happening with my personal commentary about it. I have no idea where this is going to go.

The weekend went well. The kids were at their Dad's house and C went to her aunt's. It was just H and I which always goes well because he gets undivided attention. Just the way he likes it. However with that being said, he certainly seems to be making changes. He's much more humble and trying very hard to not control things. It's awkward because I don't really know how to deal with it and yet it was very nice. We were friends this weekend. We still slept apart but we did a lot together and it was good until C came home Sunday afternoon.

She came home her aunt had attached 3 spirit guides to her. That was fun to deal with. Not that I'm a stranger to Spiritual Warfare but not something you expect to deal with. What was impressive was that H prayed with me and afterwards, he anointed the property. He has never done that. I've always been the one to pray for a protective hedge around our home and yard. I was surprised when he brought it up and even more surprised when he asked me to teach him how. Again, giving up control for him...hopefully it's growth.

Then Monday came along and it was normal, Tuesday it hit the fan again. The girls were all accused of cheating. That never happens. They wouldn't do that. Well I'm not totally delusional that it couldn't but it would have been very out of character for them. But the accusations were there nonetheless and they were upset. C cut herself that evening when H and I went to the grocery store. That made me feel like we weren't spiritually covered and that H and I needed to be sleeping in the same bed and I needed to put a ring back on my finger. So when we went to Super Wal-Mart, we bought me a plain band to wear.

I struggle with this. I'm glad I'm not wearing my wedding ring but I'm still wearing something. It feels like ownership to me. I feel owned. Like this ring tells the world that I'm the property of H. I shouldn't feel that way but I do. I don't think I'm ready to accept the situation as it is yet but since we have gotten back "together" the kids seem to be protected again. Our life settled down and has been more normal.

I can't help but wonder if I have allowed myself to feel guilty for something that is just a normal bump in the road. H has been great and he's been consistent with his changes thus far. I am starting to believe it could be a new way of life for him but was this God's plan for me to accept him back into our bed and my life in order to protect our kids? I don't know. I don't feel good about it. He's been all lovey dovey and wanting to kiss and hug me all the time, I let him but don't like it. I'm back to trying to fake it because I don't want him to feel bad. He has been working hard, I see that. So I feel like I need to recognize and acknowledge it by being more of a wife to him.

That sucks. I'm just placating the situation again... What is it about me that makes me do this? I'm comfortable giving to people. I want everyone around me to know they are loved. And I'm willing to do it at my expense. Now what?

Can I go back to separated? Will the kids be affected? Will H be so broken that he reverts to his old ways? Have I just sentenced myself again, this time willingly, to a lifetime with someone I'm not in love with because I felt like it was best for my kids? Because I wanted him to know the good work that has been started in him is noticed? How annoying. I confuse myself. I have no business being married or even in a relationship with someone. I'm a mess and I met with my new therapist yesterday and don't like her at all. I want J back. But he got moved to 50 miles away. Do I make the drive once a week?

I might have to. No, not have to. I might want to. Okay, I can pull the word might out of that sentence. I want to. It was such a relief to get paired up with him in the first place. Finally someone that isn't a career therapist and has been around the block a time or two. Funny how you know immediately if the person sitting across from you is genuine or not. Let me revisit that a sec. R who I met with yesterday I'm sure was genuine and she was probably good at her job. However I knew I wasn't going to be able to relate to her. She had all the right words and a lot to say. And all her words were clinical and textbook. Which is probably calming for most. For me, it's alarming. I've had enough education that I'm not impressed by the lingo and jargon of the field. I don't need to be impressed by your knowledge of your job. I need you to listen and guide me. She would definitely do that but in a way that rubs me the wrong way. Maybe because she's a woman. I certainly relate better to men. Maybe because it felt like she was finding ways to push me off to a group instead of one on one therapy. Maybe she just doesn't understand the problem. Maybe she was just too arrogant. I don't know but it's not going to work out with her. Something I'm going to need to resolve sooner than later, but not today.

Well that's my spew for today. I really don't have anything solved but at least it's out there. And just in time for another weekend. I got my laptop back from daughter #3 so I should be able to start blogging weekends even if I do it when I'm on the toilet. I need to do it. It helps. Guess we will see what tomorrow brings...

His and hers sparkly shoes

He bought himself some sparkly shoes. He said he would wear them when I wore mine. He wanted to show me he supports me and who I am. Sparkly shoes and all.

At first I laughed. It was funny to see sparkly shoes on him. But as it's been sinking in, if he's serious, I'm pissed off. I don't want him to change himself for me. I just want to be ok as myself.

But what if he is sparkly shoe kind of guy? Does it even matter? Do I care? I want to say I don't because I'm done but there is a small piece of me that wants this to work. I don't want to give up. I want him to be the guy he is trying to be.
But I cannot allow myself that hope. I cannot afford to do that. I'd like to but it's a place I've gone over and over again, only to be burned. And that's just with him. If I were to transfer the rest of my life onto him, then there's no chance.

I can't scapegoat him. I can't allow him to be held responsible for a lifetime of abuse. I can't let him be a martyr because I'm fed up with crappy behavior. And yet I get concerned that I might be doing that. Is there anything he can do to make things better? Is sparkly shoes enough?

I think it's sweet he wants to show me that support. I think it's nice that he's trying to do the little things that mean so much. I think he is desperate and really wants us to work. But do I?

I'm not sure. So I'll see what happens with the sparkly shoes. Maybe they will be a part of his personality, maybe not. The only thing I know for sure is that they are a part of mine.

Curveball

Of course I just couldn't be allowed to stay in my empowered state. Grr. Hate how life throws you curve balls. I'm not even going to get into the visit with my dad today. Maybe tomorrow or later as it sinks in. Short version though, he made me doubt myself.

He shared with me the benefit of his divine wisdom (sarcasm) and how to continue to enable an abuser in a marriage. Naturally he wouldn't say that but that's all I heard. How he was able to stay married to my mom for over 30 years because these were the tactics he used. Hmm...last week he said he was glad I'm standing strong and wants me to have a life he didn't. I can't keep up. He doesn't know what he's doing anymore than I do.

What I did want to address is that I came home to H having another "revelation". He said God told him that waiting a year is stupid and that H will be fixed in 2 months. Lol, seriously. So if in 2 months I don't feel H has changed enough for me to take him back, he will walk away with only a car and some clothes. I'm just not even sure what is happening. It's one of the most bizarre conversations I've had with my husband. All I could do is stand there and say "uhhhh huhhhh". I did not agree to it but I didn't say no either.

It poses some interesting questions for me to ponder. Would I believe any change is sincere if it has only been 2 months? If I give up the ground I have made and in 4 months it's the same ol' have I recommitted myself to a lifetime of regret for backing down from what I believe in?

I know he says he loves me and is willing to do anything to keep us together. He thinks that by dumping everything on my lap is the answer. I'm glad for the financial control but he's removed himself from any responsibility of the house now too. I'm in charge of money, maintenance, repairs, yard work, and such. All things I was preparing to take over...in a year. I don't even have a job. But now it's all on me. He says so I know what it feels like to be in charge. I told him I don't want to be in charge. I want a marriage. This is his way of showing me that he's willing to sacrifice anything to keep us together. Lucky me.

So now I'm going to go back to dredging through months of bills to see what's been paid and hasn't been, what the monthly budget is minus the Lexus, figure out when things are due and how much, then I'll have a good idea what kind of job I need to look for. Hopefully it isn't selling myself on the street corner. JK! :)

Empower

 

Today I've been thinking about empowerment because I feel empowered. There are 3 definitions that I found at MerriamWebster.com for empower:

1:  to give official authority or legal power to

2:  enable 

3:  to promote the self-actualization or influence of

 

I'm not exactly keen on the word enable but why not? I have been enabled to be a better person. To say it's okay that I heal. To promote myself and give myself power to be me in the best way I can. Amazing how it has such a profound affect on my life. Being told I'm okay, I'm making good choices, I'm on the right track has given me so much strength. Even though I'm not always sure of my actions, I still know I'm doing good. Does that make sense?

 

I feel in my gut that I'm on the right track. It feels good and I'm becoming more confident. Yet the old way of thinking still sometimes gets in the way and I find myself doubting but that doubt is quickly dissipating. I don't know if that is because I have a lot of hidden pride or if I was just ready for this change. Probably doesn't matter really, I'm doing it and it's going well.

 

I think the ease in this transition is that I have seen how others are. I have a friend who was a victim of incest growing up. Yet she is an amazing woman. I see how strong she is, how she has grown, how she no longer lets that situation in her life control her and it has made me want that. I want to feel good about myself. I want to like myself. I want to be free from the anxieties that plague my days and especially nights. Not just want but dream of it because she has shown me it is possible. What she endured was far worse than anything I've gone through. I have so much admiration for her and if you met her, you would too.

 

I have dreamt of what it would be like to be free from the shame, the false guilt and the expectations I have placed on myself. I have imagined my life not being so easily emotionally blackmailed. I have imagined what it will be like to have the freedom to wear my sparkly shoes to church. I have dreamt about the laughter, the tears, the joy, the peace. I have wanted it so badly that I could taste it. And for a LONG time. I have prayed, I have begged, I have longed. So it's almost as if I have already lived this way because somewhere inside me, I already have.

 

What took me so long to get here? Empowerment. The death of my Mom gave me permission to question my life. It gave me the ability to take back the authority in my own life. It allowed me to free myself and rid myself from the constant oppression that I felt. Even though I wasn't living with her and had moved on in my life, she was still an ominous presence in my life. I never felt good enough. I always felt like I had to doubt myself. I believed that any confidence I had or displayed was pride and bad. Those open wounds dictated my future, my life, my choices. With her death, those wounds can finally be healed and I can finally move on.

 

It kinda makes me sad that it took me to empower myself. I shouldn't have been this way but it was and it is what it is. What I do know is that I love where I'm at and now that I've given myself to be empowered, I am finding support all around me that I didn't see before. I have incredible friends who truly love me like I love them. As my Dad is finding freedom himself, he is empowering me. My children are my biggest fans and I've had a great therapist. I don't think I could see any of that before. I just couldn't believe I was worth it, that I deserved anything other than punishment, or that I could have the strength to handle life on my own terms and in my own way. I dared to hope and with that hope came action and here I am.

 

I smile and rejoice today because I have been empowered and I can't wait for my life to begin because I've already lived it in my heart. I know what it will be and it is GOOD!

 

 

 

 

Hardening Heart

I am finding that my heart is hardening. It concerns me actually. I know that if I am not humble and pliable emotionally, then I am not able to be used by God and I am not capable of forgiveness and demonstrating God's love.

I have amazing people in my life that I need to love. It isn't that I want to love although I do want to but it is a need. I need to let my team/family know I love them daily. I tell my kids. I tell my family. I tell anyone that I feel it for. It's kinda just who I am. If you know me and I consider you my friend, I tell you I love you and I try to tell you every day.

Part of me wants to tell H that I love him. Because I do love him as a friend and care about his existence. He knows where I stand. He knows that I am no longer married to him in my mind and heart. He knows that if I were to say it, it would only be because I am saying it as a friend and a demonstration of God's love. But I can't bring myself to tell him.

Perhaps it is because I don't really feel love for him but think I should. I don't know. It's a weird thing. It could be that I don't want to skew the lines that I'm drawing right now. Or maybe my heart just cannot find it's way back to the place where I can value him enough to want to love him. Again I stress this is not a romantic love but a friend love. I don't believe that we have to be enemies. I don't believe we have to be angry and bitter. I believe that we should be able to walk away from this marriage as friends and better people.

But a hardened heart doesn't make me a better person does it? I suppose in some ways it is what I need to learn how to set boundaries and take care of myself. But other than my Mom and my brother E, I cannot think of anyone else in the world that I have hardened my heart to. I genuinely love those that I don't even know very well. And yet it seems that I can add H to that list. I know why I would and yet I don't understand it. Is that even possible? To know but not understand?

I really haven't seen anyone since all this has transpired to know if this hardening I am feeling is going to transfer over into the relationships with others in my life. What if it does? What if I am shut down to my friends? To my children? To my family? What if I am no longer compelled to let those in my life know I love them because I don't feel it anymore? Not that it's an obligation but it is such a huge piece of who I am. If that were to go away I think I would have some kind of identity crisis. :)

And yet those fears are likely very irrational. You can't just stop loving altogether because you stop loving one can you? I can't imagine that would be how it would work. But then again, darkness spreads and eventually it will consume if there isn't light. I hope that my dear friends and children are the light and it keeps my heart soft. I want to love. I like to love. I need to love. Let's hope that's enough.

Broken

Well today was an interesting day. Actually it was quite normal until H got home. He came in the door, dropped to his knees in front of me, starting crying, apologized and clung to my legs as he begged me to forgive him. Normally such a display would melt me and I would start crying and everything would be okay. But I walled up and allowed some of the anger I have to surface so I could stay strong. I wasn't rude or mean but I did say that I forgive him but things aren't going to change and he will have to show me things will be different. He accepted that. Later we went for a drive to figure out the details of this new arrangement and how it was going to work.

What I wonder today is why human beings have to be broken before we can change. Why were we created to be sinners? It almost feels like a set up doesn't it? Here, you can't help but be jerks but I'll give you the capacity to love and forgive and allow you the chance to be forgiven. It's like a formula for drama. And yet, we cannot hold God responsible for the actions of human beings...or can we?

I know I can't because free will is a gift even though we choose to misuse it as humans. I'm glad I have the choice to believe or not to believe. I'm glad I have the choice to decide what I am going to, or not going to do. I'm glad that I understand sadness so I can feel joy. I am glad I can feel anxiety because it makes me appreciate peace. It's all quite a complicated yet beautiful system of action and reaction.

Yet sometimes we think we are broken but we stay the way we were. We get the forgiveness and a second, third, fourth chance and we keep messing up. I would want someone to give me multiple chances and yet I don't think I can do that anymore. I appreciate that H is trying but if this doesn't end the way he wants, then will he resent me for making him change? I'm not making him change but he feels like I am by kicking him out.

It was sad to see him so broken. I don't wish that kind of pain on anyone, even him. And yet I knew I couldn't react, couldn't respond. This battle is his and I need to stand my ground. I'm quite resolved now but even though I'm strong on the outside, I'm torn on the inside. I want to believe this is going to be good and end well...no that's not true. I really don't. I'm so jaded that I don't want this to work. I can't believe it might because if I allow that piece of hope I will be back where I was even a week or two ago...conflicted.

Even though I'm resolved I'm broken too. I hate that this is where we had to end up. I hate that I waited so long to demand respect. I hate that it took a heartbreak for him to see that maybe the way he's treated me isn't good. I hate that it is uncomfortable and awkward for our friends (well the ones that aren't oblivious). I just want to heal. I just want to be whole. I just want to be myself and no longer be ashamed of who I am. I don't think that's too much to ask but with this free will thing, it seems like a lot.

God made me to care. I love. It's what I do. I want everyone I meet or encounter or know to feel special, important and appreciated. The love I have for them is God's love. It isn't mine. I'm a weinie. But His love works through me and it's awesome. I love being used. But I can't call it used. God and I are partners. He's gives me all I need and in return I allow him to love me and put me where and when He needs me to be. It's so simple and yet so gratifying. If for no other reason than I feel like I have a purpose. My purpose is only to serve God and the rest works itself out. It's quite remarkable. Another very cool system God has put in place.

What strikes me most about it is that He can still work with us when we are broken. That's why I can't totally discount what H said tonight. God might be able to work in him. This marriage might be able to be saved or maybe not. Even if H and I don't stay married, H will be a better person as will I. Nothing bad will come of this if I can keep my eyes focused on Christ and continue to be true to my heart and myself. I want to believe that. I have to believe that.

So I guess I'll stay in brokenness and hope that H stays broken too so God can put us both back together the way we are supposed to be whether that is together or apart.

Feeling good

So I did it. Finally told him this isn't working and I not only want a separation but need one. It was so hard. You would think it would be easy because I clearly have animosity towards him but it wasn't. However now that it's done, I am so relieved.

He called on his lunch break and he asked if I had anything to tell him. I said I did. He asked if it was good or bad and I said both. He told me to tell him. I said I didn't think it was a good idea but he pushed and I gave in. I told him it was over. I was done. Which he interpreted as I'm filing for divorce. Rightfully so. We had 5 minutes to talk and that was the shortest way to tell him.

I guess he stewed on it all day and contacted some of our friends and my dad. I knew he was going to need to talk to friends, but my dad? Really? So I get a call from dad with a message saying that he would be coming over tomorrow morning and we needed to talk because he was not happy with me. What a degrading feeling. No wonder I'm so shame based. It takes one message to send me back to my childhood and my head spins. What did I do now? Why is he unhappy? What is he going to say? It was crippling emotionally. And hurt like hell because I thought we were past all that. I thought he was done being dad and more a friend. Guess not.

I called him and he said that H had called him and he is disappointed in me and H and that neither one of us are doing what we are suppose to be doing and that we would discuss it "at length" tomorrow. Ugh. As if I wasn't stressed enough waiting for the big guy to come home wondering what his stance was going to be and if I was going to need to have 91 dialed in my phone and my thumb hovering over the 1. Much to my surprise, he didn't come home at all. He went to see G who wasn't there so he hung out with K.

I hate that there isn't more separation between us and our friends. Those friends love both of us and it's sucky they get put in the middle. Thankfully I know that G and K are able to separate actions from the individual so they won't judge him or me. What a gift that is. Still hard for them though I'm sure. In situations like this it is so tempting to take a side. You almost feel like you have to. But we are all so closely connected, it's difficult. Much like a family. But I guess that could be God's point. If everyone is family, we see them differently. We offer more grace, love and patience. Well maybe not all of us but those of us who cherish family can love our friends as well as we love those we are related to.

Anyway, he did eventually tell me where he was. We had limited time without the kids around so I didn't want to rush him but wanted to talk this out with him. Especially after hearing from my dad. I was SO pissed off. H knows enough of my family history that he shouldn't have gone there and I was just imagining once again, the guilt and shame talk from Pastor P. You know, the one that made me say yes to a proposal I had already refused...many times.

H came home and we went for a drive. I'm SO glad we did. I drove which helped me stay focused and made me less afraid of him. I figured if he starts on me physically I would damage us both by driving into a ditch or something to stop him. Then I could get out and run. Sad that I would think I needed a plan like that but I went there.

I won't bore you with all the details but to give you an idea of how the conversation went, after about a half hour of him laying into me, I said "shut the f#&k up and listen for once". From there I did all the talking which included a few leaking moments, the bold honest truth, and how if there is any chance of us working, he needs to leave. There's still a deadline on the table and I will respect that but I can't work on him and me at the same time. Oh and that I refuse to work on him at all. That's his job. I'm done.

By the time we got home, he looked me in the face and said he heard me, he has some things to fix with G and my dad and that he will start looking for a place to go. Wohoo! We also talked about playing on the team together and we agreed to be band mates while there and leave any husband wife stuff at the door. Not only for the sake of our friends but for us. If he truly wants this to work, then we will need something positive to build on. Playing worship music with friends could be a very good foundation to start a relationship with. Or at the very least if it doesn't work out, then we have common ground to keep us friends.

I also told him I'm not holding back anymore so he will see me and hear me. Then he can make an informed decision about this marriage as well. I'm feeling pretty good about all of this! Yay!