Broken

Well today was an interesting day. Actually it was quite normal until H got home. He came in the door, dropped to his knees in front of me, starting crying, apologized and clung to my legs as he begged me to forgive him. Normally such a display would melt me and I would start crying and everything would be okay. But I walled up and allowed some of the anger I have to surface so I could stay strong. I wasn't rude or mean but I did say that I forgive him but things aren't going to change and he will have to show me things will be different. He accepted that. Later we went for a drive to figure out the details of this new arrangement and how it was going to work.

What I wonder today is why human beings have to be broken before we can change. Why were we created to be sinners? It almost feels like a set up doesn't it? Here, you can't help but be jerks but I'll give you the capacity to love and forgive and allow you the chance to be forgiven. It's like a formula for drama. And yet, we cannot hold God responsible for the actions of human beings...or can we?

I know I can't because free will is a gift even though we choose to misuse it as humans. I'm glad I have the choice to believe or not to believe. I'm glad I have the choice to decide what I am going to, or not going to do. I'm glad that I understand sadness so I can feel joy. I am glad I can feel anxiety because it makes me appreciate peace. It's all quite a complicated yet beautiful system of action and reaction.

Yet sometimes we think we are broken but we stay the way we were. We get the forgiveness and a second, third, fourth chance and we keep messing up. I would want someone to give me multiple chances and yet I don't think I can do that anymore. I appreciate that H is trying but if this doesn't end the way he wants, then will he resent me for making him change? I'm not making him change but he feels like I am by kicking him out.

It was sad to see him so broken. I don't wish that kind of pain on anyone, even him. And yet I knew I couldn't react, couldn't respond. This battle is his and I need to stand my ground. I'm quite resolved now but even though I'm strong on the outside, I'm torn on the inside. I want to believe this is going to be good and end well...no that's not true. I really don't. I'm so jaded that I don't want this to work. I can't believe it might because if I allow that piece of hope I will be back where I was even a week or two ago...conflicted.

Even though I'm resolved I'm broken too. I hate that this is where we had to end up. I hate that I waited so long to demand respect. I hate that it took a heartbreak for him to see that maybe the way he's treated me isn't good. I hate that it is uncomfortable and awkward for our friends (well the ones that aren't oblivious). I just want to heal. I just want to be whole. I just want to be myself and no longer be ashamed of who I am. I don't think that's too much to ask but with this free will thing, it seems like a lot.

God made me to care. I love. It's what I do. I want everyone I meet or encounter or know to feel special, important and appreciated. The love I have for them is God's love. It isn't mine. I'm a weinie. But His love works through me and it's awesome. I love being used. But I can't call it used. God and I are partners. He's gives me all I need and in return I allow him to love me and put me where and when He needs me to be. It's so simple and yet so gratifying. If for no other reason than I feel like I have a purpose. My purpose is only to serve God and the rest works itself out. It's quite remarkable. Another very cool system God has put in place.

What strikes me most about it is that He can still work with us when we are broken. That's why I can't totally discount what H said tonight. God might be able to work in him. This marriage might be able to be saved or maybe not. Even if H and I don't stay married, H will be a better person as will I. Nothing bad will come of this if I can keep my eyes focused on Christ and continue to be true to my heart and myself. I want to believe that. I have to believe that.

So I guess I'll stay in brokenness and hope that H stays broken too so God can put us both back together the way we are supposed to be whether that is together or apart.

Feeling good

So I did it. Finally told him this isn't working and I not only want a separation but need one. It was so hard. You would think it would be easy because I clearly have animosity towards him but it wasn't. However now that it's done, I am so relieved.

He called on his lunch break and he asked if I had anything to tell him. I said I did. He asked if it was good or bad and I said both. He told me to tell him. I said I didn't think it was a good idea but he pushed and I gave in. I told him it was over. I was done. Which he interpreted as I'm filing for divorce. Rightfully so. We had 5 minutes to talk and that was the shortest way to tell him.

I guess he stewed on it all day and contacted some of our friends and my dad. I knew he was going to need to talk to friends, but my dad? Really? So I get a call from dad with a message saying that he would be coming over tomorrow morning and we needed to talk because he was not happy with me. What a degrading feeling. No wonder I'm so shame based. It takes one message to send me back to my childhood and my head spins. What did I do now? Why is he unhappy? What is he going to say? It was crippling emotionally. And hurt like hell because I thought we were past all that. I thought he was done being dad and more a friend. Guess not.

I called him and he said that H had called him and he is disappointed in me and H and that neither one of us are doing what we are suppose to be doing and that we would discuss it "at length" tomorrow. Ugh. As if I wasn't stressed enough waiting for the big guy to come home wondering what his stance was going to be and if I was going to need to have 91 dialed in my phone and my thumb hovering over the 1. Much to my surprise, he didn't come home at all. He went to see G who wasn't there so he hung out with K.

I hate that there isn't more separation between us and our friends. Those friends love both of us and it's sucky they get put in the middle. Thankfully I know that G and K are able to separate actions from the individual so they won't judge him or me. What a gift that is. Still hard for them though I'm sure. In situations like this it is so tempting to take a side. You almost feel like you have to. But we are all so closely connected, it's difficult. Much like a family. But I guess that could be God's point. If everyone is family, we see them differently. We offer more grace, love and patience. Well maybe not all of us but those of us who cherish family can love our friends as well as we love those we are related to.

Anyway, he did eventually tell me where he was. We had limited time without the kids around so I didn't want to rush him but wanted to talk this out with him. Especially after hearing from my dad. I was SO pissed off. H knows enough of my family history that he shouldn't have gone there and I was just imagining once again, the guilt and shame talk from Pastor P. You know, the one that made me say yes to a proposal I had already refused...many times.

H came home and we went for a drive. I'm SO glad we did. I drove which helped me stay focused and made me less afraid of him. I figured if he starts on me physically I would damage us both by driving into a ditch or something to stop him. Then I could get out and run. Sad that I would think I needed a plan like that but I went there.

I won't bore you with all the details but to give you an idea of how the conversation went, after about a half hour of him laying into me, I said "shut the f#&k up and listen for once". From there I did all the talking which included a few leaking moments, the bold honest truth, and how if there is any chance of us working, he needs to leave. There's still a deadline on the table and I will respect that but I can't work on him and me at the same time. Oh and that I refuse to work on him at all. That's his job. I'm done.

By the time we got home, he looked me in the face and said he heard me, he has some things to fix with G and my dad and that he will start looking for a place to go. Wohoo! We also talked about playing on the team together and we agreed to be band mates while there and leave any husband wife stuff at the door. Not only for the sake of our friends but for us. If he truly wants this to work, then we will need something positive to build on. Playing worship music with friends could be a very good foundation to start a relationship with. Or at the very least if it doesn't work out, then we have common ground to keep us friends.

I also told him I'm not holding back anymore so he will see me and hear me. Then he can make an informed decision about this marriage as well. I'm feeling pretty good about all of this! Yay!

Band aid?

So today was actually ok outside of the stupid conversation we had today. What I forgot to mention is that he took my wedding ring from me on Saturday. More punishments. Not that I should care but that's my back up plan. It's been appraised at $8,000. I could get at least half of that. It would buy me time and give me money to get us out of this financial bind we are in.

He refused to file taxes for this year so we are illegal right now. We are behind in our house insurance, we owe our energy company almost $2000 from the winter, besides the Lexus payments and the insurance for it. Oh ya and he spent any money I had set aside to pay our property taxes which are due in may.

The ring won't cover it all but it will help. I still have to find a job and to make our monthly bills manageable I have to get us caught up. He keeps digging us in the hole. I think because he plans to take equity out of the house to get caught up. But I won't let him do that so it's going to be just another fight.

I'm so tired of fighting. I needed to nap today because I hardly slept at all last night but didn't want to be in our room, in our bed so I went to the guest room. I think that's where I'm going to be from now on. Until I can have the courage to ask him to go.

Maybe it will make things manageable for now so I can make it another 399 days to next June. But I know we wont. Why I keep hanging on I don't know. I think it's the bandaid principal. I'm usually a rip it off kind of person but in this situation I'm trying to soak it so it just falls off on it's own. Ugh.

Partially I'm doing that because my therapist has reminded me there are more than just two solutions. There might be an option that works better than getting divorced. I just don't know if I care about any other option. I should to be fair but really is it about fair? Who am I being fair to?

Me? My friends and kids would tell you I'm not taking care of me. And I know I should be. And I agree with them. I'm waiting for him. Because I want him to be ok. That's pretty naive of me to think he will be ok with this. Like somehow he will just say, "yes Amy you're right. We should be done.". And yet I totally expect that. I totally think I can make it happen.

Make it happen. How manipulative. I can make it happen. How stupid. I can't make it happen the way I want it. It's a control thing. I need to give up control on how this happens and just focus on the outcome. I want to be happy again. I want to trust. I want mutual care and attention. I want peace, joy, hope. That can happen with him hanging around but it wouldn't be easy and I hate how my kids are being affected. I hate how I'm being affected. It's like living with an alcoholic. I can lovingly detach and make it work or I can end it and have it over.

I want it over. I cannot handle the control. I do not deserve to be treated this way. My kids, family and friends do not deserve to see me treated this way. If there was love between him and I, I would do anything I could to make this work. But I'm holding on to something that never had what it should have in the first place. No love. It's always been controlled. To the actual extent, I'm finding out daily but none of it changes the fact this isn't meant to be.

Then again, maybe I'm having a midlife crisis.

What a morning

I'm sitting in church right now. Should probably be listening to the sermon but I'm not. I'm angry. H told me this morning that he has been researching on the internet and he sees now I'm having a midlife crisis and he no longer has to accept responsibility for anything that's between us, that he forgives me and he will wait for as long as it takes for me to get over my crisis. Ugh. Initially I was relieved. He gets it. No more pressure.
But as it soaked in while we were practicing, I started to get pissed. Really? He has no part of this?

So naturally it's ok for him to require a receipt anytime I spend money? It's ok to get a daily allowance of miles on the odometer which he checks every morning before work? It's ok to ground me from my phone, the computer or other things because I'm a child that needs punishment? Its ok that he must be served and start eating first before the rest of us are allowed? Those things don't need change? Hmm. I disagree.

Clearly this isn't going to work. But I'm almost glad for the midlife crisis thing. He honestly believes that and it could make things amicable between us. That would make the divorce a heck of a lot easier not only for me but family and friends. People are going to believe what they want anyway. I know this. I've done this a couple times before. As long as I stand on the truth and handle myself with respect and dignity, it should be good. Guess we will see.

I'm too tired to write much more now. Still so much sorting and processing happening but at least it's out there for now. Yay!

Here we go again

I'm not going to get into all the details but yesterday was a Wow day for me. He asked me out on a date. We went for sushi. The girls were upset about it because earlier in the week we were overdrawn and he said the oldest living at home couldn't get her hair and nails done for prom today but he had money to take me out. They commented on how he's horrible with money management and then pressed me on how much longer this was going to go on. They asked me when I was going to kick him out so we could live differently. I struggled with this so much. Mama Bear wants to jump in and yet I'm the parent and there are boundaries that I need to respect. I listened to them vent, my heart breaking, then I told them I understood their frustrations, that I felt it too but we are still married and you don't just walk away from a marriage. They of course didn't understand and are so miserable seeing me miserable that they just want a release.

Regardless of their feelings, we went out. I was quiet and he asked what was up. I told him I was still processing from Thursday's therapy and he asked what I was processing. I'm sure he wishes now he wouldn't have asked because I told him. I told him about Mama Bear. How I need to start following my instincts to not only protect the kids but also protect myself. How I need to treat myself better and that I cannot allow him or anyone else to manipulate my feelings so I step away from what I instinctually know is right. Well that turned into a pissing fight with him. I keep telling him it wasn't specifically about him, it is my feelings and what I'm dealing with but he saw it as a personal attack. So I went there.

Over the course of dinner we discussed how I feel controlled, how the kids aren't happy, how I'm not happy and how he isn't happy. I told him I still fear him and am waiting for the next time he will go off on me physically. I told him how I am weary of not being able to be myself. He wanted examples so I gave them. Then he told me he was tired because I snore. That he was unhappy because I won't let him take a mortgage out on the house so he can't fix anything. He said he was unhappy because I am not the woman he married.

I agreed with him (except the snoring part), and told him the woman he married was compliant, was willing to sacrifice everything for the acceptance of a man. She was a woman influenced by her parents and shamed into a relationship that I didn't want. She is someone who is disappearing and the real me is coming out. But it feels that every time she starts to come out she is condemned. He said it's my fault because I don't tell him that's what I'm doing. I told him it shouldn't matter so now we are left face to face staring at each other across an invisible line. In or out and he's left it up to me.

I don't know why but I wasn't able to just say it. "Leave and lets try this from afar." So once we got home, my girlfriend K invited me over. Much to his annoyance I left to hang out with her. After telling her about the last week and a half she said it's like I keep getting signs from God that this needs to end. I had to agree. It does. But I don't want to be rash or reactive and yet here I am head to head with him and not having the courage to say the words I need to say.

I get home and he snatches my cell phone from my hands and says "are you going to pay for this?", he tells me that I would be nothing without him. That I am going to have to go and because he pays for everything around here and if I don't want him then I don't get the stuff either. I corrected him and reminded him that he didn't pay for this house, my Dad did and it's mine. I reminded him that I don't give a crap about stuff and he can take his Lexus and leave. He asked if that's what I really wanted and of course, rather than telling him yes I had to give him reasons. I just want him to agree with me that this is making all of us unhappy. But he won't agree. He won't acknowledge his unhappiness affects the entire household. He honestly believes that if I would just go back to the woman he married, that this will work out and we will be happy. I cannot get him to understand that I cannot live like that anymore. I take that back, I refuse to live like that anymore.

So the fight is over, we climb into bed and he asks me if he should look for a place to live. I told him I didn't know and rolled over to go to sleep. ANOTHER chance that I could have told him to go and I didn't. Am I just a chicken shit? I mean really. I had an evening to be able to say enough and I didn't. But I didn't coddle him either which is my normal routine. That made him mad too. He expected me to, I could see it in his face. He used his usual tactics to make it about him and make me feel sorry for him. But I didn't allow myself to go there this time. I could have, and I wanted to but I kept telling myself no this time. It's about me and my feelings and I'm protecting my kids and myself. This is okay. I don't have to make peace. So I didn't and for that I'm glad about. A step in the right direction despite the turmoil it caused in my marriage.

I think I know the ending of this story but God has a way of turning thing around so I'm going to give it this weekend to see what happens here. Will this zit that is growing pop or will it heal and become a part of the face? It's gonna be a strange one to see if he budges because I'm on my side already and the kids are with me. He can join us or not. But as he said to my Dad 8 years ago, "I'm not going to wait forever".

Birthday Wishes

Today is my friend L's birthday. In case you haven't been following along, he's one of my best guy friends and in an identical marriage situation. For different reasons but we are married to the same person. I managed to sneak him an email to work to wish him a Happy Birthday. Actually getting it out of him initially was difficult. He had a hard time accepting that anyone would want to know and he made me promise I wouldn't tell anyone else. What finally got him to bend was that I told him I would say Happy Birthday every day of the month of April until I hit it. I would have too, guess he knew that so he had mercy on me and gave me the date. Just like I promised, no one else knows.

I write about this today because I feel bad that I can't do more for him. Not that it's my responsibility and I'm not really looking at it as a responsibility. It's because he's my friend and I want him to know he is special to me. I think I'm also transferring my stuff into his situation as well.

I turned 40 in October. What I did on my birthday was put the kids to bed, purchased some Birthday Cake vodka and had a couple shots in my own honor while texting with L (we were allowed to communicate more at that time). H was working nights so he wasn't home. Other than the standard Facebook congrats, there was no acknowledgement of that day at all. No cards, no emails, no presents, no cake, no going out. Although my girls did tell me that morning and I got extra big hugs so I can't say I didn't get anything.

But we are all taught that our birthday's are special. It isn't until we are older and want to live blissfully ignorant to the aging process that we down play our birthdays. Yet it seems as an adult we are suppose to push it aside and focus on our responsibilities, our obligations and not truly celebrate. There is only one person I know that as an adult throws a big party on his behalf. And I think it's weird that he does that every year. But truly isn't that the spirit in which we should look at our lives?
Shouldn't we rejoice and want to celebrate our lives? Shouldn't we be happy and excited for those that we love and have been strategically placed in our paths? Shouldn't we look at who we are instead of looking at what we don't have or didn't accomplish in our lives?

I think those of us who have had a less than perfect childhood find shame in our birthday's. I know for me it's a time where I think about all I didn't have and all the poor choices that got me to where I am on that day. However there is a small part of me that believes that I should be celebrated. That to friends I should be given an extra thought in the day. That to my significant other I should be a princess for at least an hour or so. That to my parents I should be seen as a gift for a part of the day.

I don't think it's asking a lot and yet I don't ask because I don't feel like I should have to. I want others to just know. Stupid isn't it. I think because I am so hyper aware of how I treat others and it's my instinct to make people around me happy, that I forget that not everyone is like me. Perhaps I'm just a spoiled brat that wants to be the center of attention once a year...no. That's not it. I am not comfortable in the center of attention at all. I don't even take compliments well. They make me feel guilty and I don't want to accept them so it's back to being somebody.

I want to be somebody important. I don't need to change the world. I don't need to save the city. I don't need to be publicly recognized as worthy. But I want someone to see me, all of me, and love me. I want it to be okay to be myself. I want to get to my birthday and be glad I'm alive and be told by the person who see's me that he is glad I'm alive and more glad we are together. I want to feel joy instead of shame.

I'm on my way to that; with or without H or anyone else. That's the other thing I want on a birthday. As much as I want to be cherished, it means so much more for me to be okay with just myself. I don't want to need the affirmation of a man to feel good about myself. I want to look in the mirror every morning and be glad I'm me and on my birthday especially, know that I've arrived.

So L, this one is for you. Someday you will know you're as awesome as you are...

Mama Bear

Not even sure where to start. Had therapy today. It was good as always. I told him about my dad's comments this week, about how the girls have been feeling about H. He complimented me on the work I have been doing, trying to apply what I'm discovering and making positive changes. However that made me feel very, very uncomfortable. After exploring it a little bit, I recognized it as shame and fear of vulnerability. Both of which I have learned from a young age.

 

I don't want to be seen. I don't want to be recognized for the good things. I can more easily accept a criticism over a compliment any day of the week. I have a hard time believing that I would or could possibly have done or been something worth acknowledging, much less complimenting. It's all a part of not trusting myself. I know my compass is messed up right now and it's difficult for me to know what's ok. I got to ask questions about scenarios and things which was really good to hear the take of someone who is on the outside. One of the best parts of our session was that I can trust mama bear. I know how to love, be supportive, nurture, edify and encourage. I know how to protect. I don't know how to do it for myself and I have not been doing it for my kids with H.

 

They are my kids. He is good with them usually but since he's been trying to be patient with me and accept me, he's been critical of them and impatient. Even tonight at the dinner table, the little one whispered something to her sister that H didn't hear and wasn't meant to, and he snapped at her. What was the problem? I wouldn't normally confront it and be passive about it but I need to stop doing that and start asserting boundaries. I also need to stop reacting to his feelings and taking responsibility for them. How he reacts is his. Not mine and certainly not the kids. So mama bear needs to guide me for a while.

 

When I get that urge to protect them, I will. I also will learn to protect myself because helping them is helping me. It will give me a foundation of growth I can build on and start living a life without being so easily controlled and manipulated because I have a big heart. It also will give me the ability to recognize it sooner, set those boundaries from the beginning and start living a life that I know is healthy for the girls and myself.

 

I'm looking forward to seeing how this goes. I love the movement. I love seeing how the girls are opening up, there is more joy, they aren't afraid to be themselves as much because mama bear is back. I know exactly when she left and I should have let things fall as they were going to back then. But I didn't, I put mama away and became the good little girl I was told to be. No more world! Mama bear is back!