Birthday Wishes

Today is my friend L's birthday. In case you haven't been following along, he's one of my best guy friends and in an identical marriage situation. For different reasons but we are married to the same person. I managed to sneak him an email to work to wish him a Happy Birthday. Actually getting it out of him initially was difficult. He had a hard time accepting that anyone would want to know and he made me promise I wouldn't tell anyone else. What finally got him to bend was that I told him I would say Happy Birthday every day of the month of April until I hit it. I would have too, guess he knew that so he had mercy on me and gave me the date. Just like I promised, no one else knows.

I write about this today because I feel bad that I can't do more for him. Not that it's my responsibility and I'm not really looking at it as a responsibility. It's because he's my friend and I want him to know he is special to me. I think I'm also transferring my stuff into his situation as well.

I turned 40 in October. What I did on my birthday was put the kids to bed, purchased some Birthday Cake vodka and had a couple shots in my own honor while texting with L (we were allowed to communicate more at that time). H was working nights so he wasn't home. Other than the standard Facebook congrats, there was no acknowledgement of that day at all. No cards, no emails, no presents, no cake, no going out. Although my girls did tell me that morning and I got extra big hugs so I can't say I didn't get anything.

But we are all taught that our birthday's are special. It isn't until we are older and want to live blissfully ignorant to the aging process that we down play our birthdays. Yet it seems as an adult we are suppose to push it aside and focus on our responsibilities, our obligations and not truly celebrate. There is only one person I know that as an adult throws a big party on his behalf. And I think it's weird that he does that every year. But truly isn't that the spirit in which we should look at our lives?
Shouldn't we rejoice and want to celebrate our lives? Shouldn't we be happy and excited for those that we love and have been strategically placed in our paths? Shouldn't we look at who we are instead of looking at what we don't have or didn't accomplish in our lives?

I think those of us who have had a less than perfect childhood find shame in our birthday's. I know for me it's a time where I think about all I didn't have and all the poor choices that got me to where I am on that day. However there is a small part of me that believes that I should be celebrated. That to friends I should be given an extra thought in the day. That to my significant other I should be a princess for at least an hour or so. That to my parents I should be seen as a gift for a part of the day.

I don't think it's asking a lot and yet I don't ask because I don't feel like I should have to. I want others to just know. Stupid isn't it. I think because I am so hyper aware of how I treat others and it's my instinct to make people around me happy, that I forget that not everyone is like me. Perhaps I'm just a spoiled brat that wants to be the center of attention once a year...no. That's not it. I am not comfortable in the center of attention at all. I don't even take compliments well. They make me feel guilty and I don't want to accept them so it's back to being somebody.

I want to be somebody important. I don't need to change the world. I don't need to save the city. I don't need to be publicly recognized as worthy. But I want someone to see me, all of me, and love me. I want it to be okay to be myself. I want to get to my birthday and be glad I'm alive and be told by the person who see's me that he is glad I'm alive and more glad we are together. I want to feel joy instead of shame.

I'm on my way to that; with or without H or anyone else. That's the other thing I want on a birthday. As much as I want to be cherished, it means so much more for me to be okay with just myself. I don't want to need the affirmation of a man to feel good about myself. I want to look in the mirror every morning and be glad I'm me and on my birthday especially, know that I've arrived.

So L, this one is for you. Someday you will know you're as awesome as you are...

Mama Bear

Not even sure where to start. Had therapy today. It was good as always. I told him about my dad's comments this week, about how the girls have been feeling about H. He complimented me on the work I have been doing, trying to apply what I'm discovering and making positive changes. However that made me feel very, very uncomfortable. After exploring it a little bit, I recognized it as shame and fear of vulnerability. Both of which I have learned from a young age.

 

I don't want to be seen. I don't want to be recognized for the good things. I can more easily accept a criticism over a compliment any day of the week. I have a hard time believing that I would or could possibly have done or been something worth acknowledging, much less complimenting. It's all a part of not trusting myself. I know my compass is messed up right now and it's difficult for me to know what's ok. I got to ask questions about scenarios and things which was really good to hear the take of someone who is on the outside. One of the best parts of our session was that I can trust mama bear. I know how to love, be supportive, nurture, edify and encourage. I know how to protect. I don't know how to do it for myself and I have not been doing it for my kids with H.

 

They are my kids. He is good with them usually but since he's been trying to be patient with me and accept me, he's been critical of them and impatient. Even tonight at the dinner table, the little one whispered something to her sister that H didn't hear and wasn't meant to, and he snapped at her. What was the problem? I wouldn't normally confront it and be passive about it but I need to stop doing that and start asserting boundaries. I also need to stop reacting to his feelings and taking responsibility for them. How he reacts is his. Not mine and certainly not the kids. So mama bear needs to guide me for a while.

 

When I get that urge to protect them, I will. I also will learn to protect myself because helping them is helping me. It will give me a foundation of growth I can build on and start living a life without being so easily controlled and manipulated because I have a big heart. It also will give me the ability to recognize it sooner, set those boundaries from the beginning and start living a life that I know is healthy for the girls and myself.

 

I'm looking forward to seeing how this goes. I love the movement. I love seeing how the girls are opening up, there is more joy, they aren't afraid to be themselves as much because mama bear is back. I know exactly when she left and I should have let things fall as they were going to back then. But I didn't, I put mama away and became the good little girl I was told to be. No more world! Mama bear is back!

Soar

I didn't write yesterday because there was so much going through my head I just didn't even know how to put things down on paper. Or virtual paper I guess. I met with my Dad and in the true spirit of honesty, I laid out what has been happening with my husband and I. I told him about the deadline I had set, told him about the control issues, told him about how the kids want nothing to do with him anymore. My Dad is a pastor so I was expecting a pastoral response about honoring God and my commitment to him through marriage and those kinds of things. What I got was totally a surprise.

Dad acknowledged the control. He has seen it. He admitted that he was a part of the control early on before H and I got married because he was a part of pushing me to marry H. He said that he was also controlled by H in because H was saying he wouldn't wait any longer for me to make up my mind and so my parents pushed, H pushed and I gave in. Dad also was shocked at the change of heart, how determined I am to be healthier and no longer live controlled. He asked what happened.

I told him how K would ask me if I was okay after H would get on me at practices. I told him how G said he knows H loves me but doesn't seem to like me. I told him how the girls said they don't think H likes them either. Then he said to me "that was an act of God". He thought that I would stay in this place and continue to placate the situation like he did. He thought that H dying was going to be the only way that this could get better. He thought I was going to continue a family pattern of abusive and controlling marriages. And he was relieved.

He told me how he would have made changes in his life had he been strong enough. He told me that living a lifetime with a controlling partner is the worst choice he had ever made. He told me that when he looks back at how it was for us kids growing up, he feels guilt and shame. I was stunned. He had never admitted that before and I asked how he came to that realization. He said it took my Mom's death and him actually being free to realize how imprisoned he really was.

I cannot adequately express the relief and joy I felt hearing him say that. Joy! Like real JOY! Some of it was that I wanted his support and didn't dare to hope that I would get it because of his standing in the church. The other part was hearing from someone on the other side who didn't move, was rescued from his situation by God himself and has come out with blessings he didn't even know could be. It fed the hope I have of a better future of a life where I am not daily condemned or shamed or controlled. It helped me see that my hope is not futile nor the efforts I'm making now to improve my life worthless. There is a future in the direction I'm going. Even if I don't know what the future is going to be. I don't need to have a vision for myself any longer. I only need to keep God in the center of my vision and the rest will fall into place. I had to text my friends about it. Well K and G anyway. Almost accidently text L too but I'm working hard to respect those boundaries he set...or his wife set. Not really sure. But it doesn't matter. I am looking ahead!

I still am going to honor my agreement with H to wait until June 1, 2015 and going to move forward as if this isn't going to work out. But the pressure has been released. Having it affirmed by a man ordained by God that ending an unhappy marriage is okay has given me freedom. I will have my new beginning. I will change the patterns of abuse in my life. I will rise above where I'm at and how life is and it will be what God wants it to be. I believe in the Word of God and I believe in his promises of love, hope, joy, peace, safety, happiness, prosperity and health. Finally hearing that I am in God's graces in this is just what I needed to get ready to fly; cuz this bird is going to do more than fly, I'm going to soar!

Baby Steps

Well, I've had a chance to think about Easter day and how that went in regards to H. It was actually a good day. He got mad at me first thing because I wanted to dress up for church and he wanted to wear jeans. I didn't tell him he needed to dress up, he just felt obligated because I was. But once the day played out, it was a decent day! In fact, I realized in reflecting about the day that I can be critical about him to our friends. I say things off the cuff that are true but not necessarily for the world to know about him. That's not cool. I'm going to work on that. I guess I am not above things slipping out sideways either. I'd like to think I'm better than that but naturally I am humbled. God does that a lot to me. Probably a good thing as I can be a snot but He does remind me that I'm not as strong, as put together, as organized, as stable as I like to think I am.

I have to give props to H as well because I drug him down to a friends house that he barely knows to hang out with her and her family which includes a set of 2 year old twins, a 4 year old, an 8 year old and her boyfriend. All in a 5 room, 2 bedroom upstairs apartment in the hood. Yes, they are black and yes I am white. Obviously not an issue because those are my friends but he's been a little sheltered. However he did great! Normally H is the kind of guy that if he's not having a good time he will make sure everyone around him knows it. He can't just keep it under wraps for the sake of those he is with. But yesterday, he did put on a happy face and handled it like a trooper. It was really nice. If he was upset or annoyed about it, he kept it to himself and I wasn't even noticing it. I am really glad to see a positive change. Even if it was just for Easter, it was a nice Easter because of it. I appreciate the gesture a lot.

What I've also noticed in reflecting about the day is that even though he gets mad at me a lot, I don't really let it stop me unless he throws a major fit. A little tantrum doesn't even phase me. I let him have his say and keep going about my way. Like the dress clothes, like at practices, like pretty much everything. So when I actually push him to point that he physically lashes out at me, it takes me by surprise. However it is no wonder that he feels disrespected. I totally don't respect him at all. I've been wondering if I could do everything his way. I don't know if I can. Let me rephrase that, I can but I don't know if I want to. I've done it before to get to this point in our marriage but I missed myself so much. I missed being me. Thus I still question whether or not we will be able to be together because I want to be me and have it be okay. It isn't fun to fight all the time and it isn't fun to feel like who I am isn't okay.

Despite that, I needed to be sure to document that he tried and that he made an effort. That was really good. Today things were back to normal when he got pissed off because I wanted to wash the floors on my hands and knees verses using a mop but whatever. Baby steps right?

Resurrection Day

Really wishing I wouldn't have thought about how strong I thought I was with my mom. Ever since I've been having memories of me standing there with resolve, not even flinching as the punches, slaps and whatever she had in her hand came flying at me. What a sick thing to think about. Those are feelings I used to feel pride about. Now I'm angry and sad. But I still can't cry. I leak. But I don't cry.

 

I specify a difference because my eyes well up and a tear or two might fall but I don't willingly let anything out. There has never been an exception. I've never felt safe enough, even alone to just release it. I need to though. As the memories float to the surface I find myself feeling overwhelmed and anxious. But I still refuse to go there. I just can't. My heart is not safe around my husband. That's not his fault either. He really wants to be there for me, he just can't help himself. He feels like it's helpful to tell me how I should handle myself. I have repeatedly asked him just to listen, to hold me, to just be there and he cannot be. Again, not his fault. He only knows how to correct in an attempt to help. But with stuff like this, there isn't a right or wrong, it just is or isnt. And with him around it isn't.

 

My girlfriend K could possibly be a safe person if we could actually have time without interruption. My therapist would be but he can't touch me. My guyfriend L definitely is and has come close to breaking me a couple times without even trying but we aren't allowed to be alone so it doesn't matter. So I keep stuffing and little bits dribble out despite my unwillingness to let it go. I'm literally going to explode one of these days. I just hope the situation in which that happens is appropriate.

 

My username is Mia Phoenix. Although Mia is not Mia it's M.I.A. or missing in action. I used to relate to the Phoenix; rising from the ashes into an amazing creature of fire and healing. Now I see that I may have risen from the ashes of my childhood but I'm not flying yet and I am not healed. I'm trying and fighting my way through this in hopes of living a life worthy of the title of a Phoenix but for now, the Phoenix in me is M.I.A. Thus Mia Phoenix.

 

Ironic really because today is Easter. A day of resurrection. Perhaps one of these Easters I will just be a Phoenix instead of Mia Phoenix. Until then, I'll keep fighting through the memories, keep numbing myself to just cope with living with H and place my hope in God for a life I desperately want before I have no life left in me to live. But maybe that's the point. Maybe I have to die before I can be reborn. Maybe I have to embrace the pain, the tears, the years and accept the unacceptable before I can fly. Even if it's not Easter, that will be my resurrection day.

Unusual weekend

This has been an unusual weekend. He's been fairly independent so I was able to spend a lovely afternoon with my daughter and bake and cook and stuff for Easter. Although I am a bit annoyed because I couldn't find the hand mixer and wasn't able to make some of the things I wanted. They would have tasted fine but not presented the way I want so I nixed the idea completely. That's something I have to be aware of about myself. I can get caught up in black and white and forget there can be middle ground.

 

For the most part I've given up my perfectionism. But not when it comes to cooking and driving. Lol, weird things to hold on to but what I've done anyway. I used to need everything just so but as I got older and realized I couldn't maintain such insanity, I learned to accept my short comings and live my strengths instead of focusing on what I do wrong all the time. That's my upbringing.

 

Even though my dad and I are working on a relationship now, we didn't have much of one when I was growing up. Although it wasn't horrible it wasn't good either. I was pretty much his confidant and only friend which my therapist has labeled as emotional incest. Yucky words but appropriate nonetheless. I'm trying to shift our relationship away from me being his therapist and us being friends. I don't know how successful I am but last week was good. Time will tell and I'll process that as I need to. Right now that's not the focus.

 

But his emotional absence and my Moms constant criticism really made me a perfectionist. And yet I'm sympathetic enough because of it that I cannot do that to anyone else. Nor do I want to. It's a horrible way to live especially when you realize you will never be good enough for the people who are suppose to love you unconditionally, support you, encourage, lift up and nurture you. Although my adult brain understands that it wasn't necessarily because I didn't measure up, they didn't know how to be any different. Yet still feeling those feelings as a child even now, I cannot understand how I was such a bad person.

 

That's probably a big piece of why my marriage is not going to last. I cannot and will never be who he wants me to be. He saw someone pliable that he thought he could control and manipulate and he fell in love. But that's not what he got. Especially now that the one person in this world that could intimidate me is dead.

 

Intimidate. Interesting choice of words. But true. She intimidated me. I suppose it's the several broken jaws, ribs, black eyes, bruises and such. I might just be the dumbest smart person. I should have been afraid but for whatever reason I stopped being afraid. I remember the exact moment too. I was sent to my room and waiting there for her to come in and give me my punishment and I realized that the worse she was going to do was hurt me physically. I was 10. So she beats me up. Whatever. From that point on she intimidated me but I was no longer afraid.

 

Another side effect of my awareness and self empowerment was that I was done allowing her to bully my brothers, sister and dad. As the oldest of the family I was assuming responsibility to "pop the zit" when I could feel her raging. I got in her face, would purposely do things I knew she disliked so she would come after me. I knew I could take it and I didn't want them to have to. What a crazy choice for a 10 year old to have to make, or to even try to make. But I did and from that point on it is my instinctual reaction when someone around me is mad and it's directed at me.

 

Thankfully I've learned I don't have to repel every conflict nor do I need to be the savior or rescuer but it's hard for me to bite my tongue and say "yes dear" when really I want to pop that zit instead of letting it fester. Worst case scenario he hits me again. Whatever, I can take it. Although he has huge hands and is quite strong, it hurts a lot more than when my mom would. But I still refuse to shed a tear and if it gets to that point, I will still keep it secret. Because that's what I'm suppose to do. Why am I suppose to?

 

Because despite it all, I still don't want to hurt anyone. It would be a lot harder for me to live with myself knowing I sabotaged someone, whether on purpose or not, when I could have just kept my mouth shut and let it pass. I wonder why that is. Probably something to ask my therapist next week. I could figure it out on my own but I prefer to not analyze myself. I am much more trusting of other peoples opinions.

 

Well I won't get to take a bath and write tomorrow so see ya Monday. Happy Easter!

His words, my words

So I've been thinking about how I might be what he says so I've decided to take this post to write what he says is wrong with me and what I do wrong. Maybe he's right and I have some things to work on. To be honest with myself I have to use the words he has used. Otherwise I'd try to sugar coat it and be more kind. Not the point. The point is to look at how harsh he feels and honestly look at whether or not it's justified.

 

What's wrong with me:

I'm too friendly
I'm a tight wad
I like the color yellow
I wear sparkly house shoes
I wear my yellow, daisy hat in public
I have f me curls
I trust easily
I love too much
I want to help too often
I spend too much time with kids
I'm too patient with kids
I don't punish kids enough
I'm the dumbest smart person he has ever known
I don't listen to the radio enough
I'm not neat enough
I don't keep the house clean enough
I don't do laundry often enough
I don't change the sheets and towels often enough
I don't support him
I don't obey him enough
I don't treat him like the head of our household
I like to laugh too much
I'm clumsy
I'm quirky
I drink too much
I smoke
I don't show enough emotion
I'm a distraction
I'm reckless
I'm adventurous
I'm unreasonable
I'm stubborn
I'm independent
I'm particular
I'm too organized
I'm not spontaneous enough
I am outdoors too much
I don't bake cookies often enough

 

Since I'm doing this I can also add my own short comings:

I'm fat
I'm out of shape
I'm lazy
I'm too hopeful
I'm a peace keeper
I'm a care taker
I'm a perfectionist
I have panic attacks
I'm not serious enough
I hide behind humor
I'm sarcastic
I lie to save peoples feelings from being hurt
I protect
I let fear control me
I walk the fence and if I fall off into the other side I just get back on the fence again
I believe in God's love working through humans
I believe people should be cherished
I am not afraid of being hurt emotionally
I am grieving

 

I am sure if I left this list open I could keep adding. But for now I'm going to stop and process these things, pray about them and possibly talk to friends about it because I don't want to put all the blame on him. I have my issues too. I am not without fault. Of course right now I have a lot of Easter baking to do and dinner to start so I'd better focus on that or it won't be right and I'll mess that up too.