Temper, temper

Well we had the blow up I was expecting. I really didn't want to engage. I tried hard not to engage but I did. He was feeling as if I was ungrateful for the car. I told him the idea was great but I was concerned about the finances but that it was easier for him to spend money then it is for me to spend money. I'm one of those unusual women that hates to shop and hates to spend money. The more money I have saved, the less I want to spend it. I don't really know why, I guess I like the security of having it if we need it. But he's one of those that spends and thinks later. Not really a good match because finances can be such a controversial subject for marriages. Anyway, me saying it was easier for him to spend money set him off.

From there it was a whirlwind. I kept my mouth shut and watched for a while. It was sort of humorous, at first he was offended and angry. Then when I said that I clearly hit a nerve and I wonder why he's so sensitive about it, he turned it around to how he doesn't feel good enough and I should leave him because he's a failure. This is usually when I step in and say he's not and it's okay and all is well, then console him as he cries and loathes about himself. But not tonight.

Tonight I said it was too bad he felt that way and I walked away. Bad move. He then started in on how I spend money on buying food and gifts for the kids at Christmas and Easter and Valentines Day, realized what he was saying and turned around and started in on me for being a "tight wad". Now normally I'm really good at not engaging (as I mentioned earlier), but don't call me names. You want to throw a pity party, fine. You want to be angry and slam doors, fine. But be a grown up and use your big boy/big girl words. So my nerve was hit and I blew back at him.

Part of why I don't blow up is because I've learned that my hot, Italian temper and witty brain causes a very adverse reaction when I let my anger out. Not that I'm physically hurting anyone but I have a sharp tongue and I'm observant so I know how to hurt people if I want to. Not something I'm proud of but growing up in a house where you defend yourself or die, you learn to watch for weaknesses and you know how to exploit them if necessary. It's a very ugly part of me I dislike a lot and that part of me caught fire tonight. Needless to say, it ended with him speechless, in tears and me in the bath tub wanting to wring his neck.

That's the problem with my temper. I don't have remorse. If I get to the point where I'm going to intentionally hurt you, I do not care that I hurt you. And I hurt him. I want to feel bad. And maybe I will in a few days or weeks or months but right now, I'm all "what now b*tch"! So I guess I'm sorry that I got to my breaking point but I'm not sorry for what I said. It was true, I just didn't need to deliver it in the way that I did. Something I learned as a child when I saw how I hurt my brother with my words. We were doing our usual sibling fighting but I wanted to finish it so I did. I still don't have remorse about what I said but I feel bad for making him feel as bad as I did. Strange things how your brain remembers those kind of moments like they are yesterday. I suppose because I felt so empowered. People only walk on me because I let them. Not because they can have their way with me and I guess by losing it once and a while, they are reminded that I submit, I am not controlled.

Odd thing is as I'm typing this, my kids have never heard me yell nor have they seen me completely lash out and they have tested me. I've never felt like I needed to take it to that level. I've always remained in control of myself and on top of my game. I'm hormonal right now so maybe that's why I lost it. Perhaps the water under the bridge has swept the bridge away and I'm a lot less tolerant now. I don't know. And yet I think that's only the second time in almost 8 years that I have ever gone there with H either. I guess that's a good thing. Probably not though.

Last week at therapy I was talking about some of the experiences that I have lived through with my Mom. Oddly I didn't have anger until he told me to think of the situation in which she freaked out on me and put one of my children in that scenario. In other words, think of her doing that to one of my kids...that made me angry. And that's when I realized that I have always seen anger as a weakness and a last resort. Not to mention that I don't usually get angry on my own behalf. Like somehow I am strong enough, I can take it. Ha! What a farce that is. Although I did take it, but it did a lot of damage. I am grateful that I was able to contain it in me for as long as I have been so that my kids lives will be different. They will raise their children differently and hopefully the future generations of women in my family will be more nurturing, loving, and attentive. Who knows. I can only hope.

For now, it's good that I'm getting in touch with my anger about my childhood however I'm concerned with my sharp tongue that I'm going to hurt more people around me. Especially those like H who I have resentments towards. I don't want to be like my Mom. I don't want to fly off the handle in an illogical rage. I don't want to do and say things that make me drop to my knees in shame when I am no longer angry. Stupid temper...

TGIM

Yes I know that the usual anagram is TGIF but I'm glad it's Monday. Life gets back to normal and I don't have to live on high alert. I prefer that. My 19 year old has been hanging out with me today. It's pretty awesome. She likes Robyn. That's too bad because I think I'm going to have to insist he take her back.

I have so much anxiety about this car. We were barely paying the bills as it was. If it wasn't for the fact that we don't have a mortgage, we wouldn't be able to keep up. And the only reason we don't have a mortgage is because my Dad was the mortgage holder on the house and he gave it to us for Christmas this year. What an amazing gift. However my husband keeps wanting to take out a home equity loan for other things. I refuse to let him do it. He gets really mad at me but its foolish. If we could afford to have the mortgage, my Dad wouldn't have given us the house and we'd still be paying it. But we could barely do it and even without the mortgage, we are robbing Peter to pay Paul. Yet somehow the husband (or for future reference H), thinks we need a Lexus and that the increase in the car payments plus the increase in our insurance is going to be affordable. It's insane really. And who impulse buys a car?!?! Grr...

I suppose some of you reading this think I'm ungrateful. Perhaps I am. Logic will always win out for me and I don't like to owe anyone anything. The bible says that we aren't suppose to owe, we pay for what we get and that's that. Finance charges are a sin as well but I don't think the credit card companies and banks care. We live a cash lifestyle. He managed to mismanage so bad that we were nearly bankrupt. Some was his fault, some was mine, some was the economy. Regardless I love not having credit cards. I love paying cash (debit card) only and I hate owing people money. The Ford was almost paid off. But it was pretty beat up.

That bothered me only because H ripped the bumper off going over a speed bump too fast and he backed into a garage and dinged up the back end. Not cool. But because it was the car I primarily drove, I felt like I was being judged as a stupid woman driver. Clearly my own hang up. People probably didn't care at all. However I take a lot of pride in being a safe driver. I've never been in an accident and I have had one speeding ticket which was 21 years ago...maybe 22. I don't know. I was 18.

Unlike H who has gone to jail for stupid petty tickets, has had multiple, falls asleep at the wheel with the family in the car, has been the cause of many accidents and currently needs glasses something horrible but doesn't get them and drives even though he can't see the lines very well and barely the signs on the side of the road.

I can deal with those things. What I can't deal with is that after yesterday church, I wasn't allowed to drive the car the rest of the day because he wanted to. Last night before bed he set down some rules about where and when I could drive it today. Along with checking the odometer to make sure that I didn't put any unnecessary mileage on "his" car. But supposedly he bought the car for me. I'm pretty sure he knew I'd throw a fit about it because it was financially irresponsible so he presented it to me as a gift. A manipulation for him to have what he wanted. Whether or not it was a conscious effort to "dupe" me, I don't think so. He is really quite unaware how selfish he is. He thinks he sacrifices and gives to everyone around him...

Amazing how our perceptions vary. Of course I'm right because it's me. Lol! ;) Seriously though, how strange. I do wonder how much of my perceptions are truth and what I have created as drama in my head. I'm so unclear about my current mental status these days being in therapy. I really want healing and I want to be free finally from my past instead of making the same mistakes over and over again. So I always second guess myself and I don't know if I should or not. I do know that I don't trust his opinion so I ask my friends. K and G are awesome and super honest. I SO appreciate that. T is too but he's in his own la-la land. I don't really give what he has to say much credence. Not because he's a bad guy but because he just doesn't live in the same world as the rest of us. It's something I love about him! L is awesome too and really helpful being in the same situation but I've been forbidden to talk to him so that's not happening.

Anyway the point of all that was to say that I am glad it's Monday, I am resenting the car, I don't trust my own perceptions, I'm glad I'm in therapy and friends rock. :)

Until tomorrow...

Robyn

I am beginning to hate weekends. I don't get the opportunity to write everyday like I do during the week. Mostly because he is hovering. He knows I have a blog but I totally lied to his face when he asked if I posted them on the web. I don't usually like to lie but I know that he wouldn't respect my privacy and I need this for me. Suppose it was selfish and rude but it is what it is.

So far it's been an interesting couple days. Yesterday we brought our oldest at home to a college about an hour and a half away for a weekend visit. The drive home alone was really good. We talked more about our situation and he acknowledged that if it doesn't work out after this year he can feel better about it because of the time we had. I don't know if that will really happen but it was a relief for me. Not that I should care about how he feels but I do. It's not like I hate the guy. We just shouldn't be married.

At the same time as his apparent acceptance, he's majorly kissing my butt. He came home with a Lexus for me today. Really? Don't get me wrong, it is beautiful and I have named her Robyn however I really could care less about money and stuff. I want to be happy and I don't need a Lexus to be happy. It is also not going to make me somehow forget the current situation nor is it going to make me feel like I am closer to him. I don't want gifts. I want compatibility. I want respect. I want kindness, hope, joy, laughter, love. You can't buy those things. Not to mention it makes me feel like I have to pay him back somehow. I'm waiting for the day when I do something wrong and he makes sure to point out that he bought me my new car so I owe him.

There is nothing worse than getting a gift with strings attached. I want to be super excited but I can't allow myself the joy I would if I knew it was because he really loved me. It's an appeasement of sorts. I suppose maybe an amend. I don't know really. But what it feels like to me is a cheap attempt to buy my heart and affections. It's like he doesn't hear me tell him I need substance. I need a partner, compatibility, companionship. I need a friend and a lover. I need my best friend to be my spouse. I don't need stuff.

And yet, the materialistic side of me cannot wait to rub it in my ex's face that he drives a 90's Honda Civic and I am in my new one. Selfish, rude and snotty but it's the truth. I'm okay with that. Sometimes it's just fun. Of course I love cars in general so let me tell you, it rides like a dream. Its super quiet. The sun roof is awesome although I don't know how much I'll get to use it in MN. It has great gas mileage especially for a V6 and it's just pretty. I didn't think that I'd be a blue car person but I'm a fan. It's understated enough to not draw too much attention but bold enough to make a statement because it's the car it is. I LOVE IT! I just wish it wasn't given to me under the circumstances that it was.

For now I will enjoy the car until he has brow beaten me enough with it that I don't and then I'll get rid of it. Or not. Maybe I'll make my peace with it and drive it until it has 250,000 miles on it. Lol! That will take forever considering I only drive the kids back and forth to school and run errands around town. But that's okay too. At least for today, it was a very nice gift and something I enjoy. Perhaps it will get to stay like that and Robyn will remain a blessing. Time will tell...

D-Day

He and I have had some good conversation lately and finally have come to an agreement of sorts. It's exciting for me because we are moving in a direction. I don't even care which way, just moving. See, he wanted to separate in our minds and he would try to win me back. But he didn't like that I was distant and guarded around him. I didn't like that he can let go of being controlling when he thinks we aren't married. So we came to the conclusion that we will be all in for 1 year or so. June 1, 2015 we will decide if we are staying together or not. He wants the opportunity to change. My response to that was to question if he was changing because I am not happy. He said he didn't like who he has been.

Interesting. I have had moments where I don't like how I've behaved. But I haven't really not liked who I am. If he means that, then there could be hope. If not, then after June 1, 2015 we are done. Initially I thought I'd try to hang in there for another 6 years until our youngest graduates. Then I told my friend that and she laughed. And then I laughed. She said there's no way I could make it that long and she's totally right. I just can't pretend this is working for 6 years. But for one year, I can. For one year I will ignore the warning signs, I will pacify the situation, I will live my life uncaged and he will either freak out completely and walk away or he will stick with his plan to let go of control and he will be a better person.

I liked the idea a lot because I don't like being so guarded around him. I love him. Not romantically but I care about him deeply. I could learn to love. I don't want to but back to the hope thing, am I taking a gamble with not only my life but his? That's a lot of responsibility. However this compromise will give us both the opportunity to heal in the ways we need to and see if it's going to work or not without him being afraid I'm going to walk away or me being afraid I'll be stuck in this life forever. We both have choices with this plan. Perhaps it will be good and we will find out this can work. Or we will find out this can't work and walk away without it being a mess. It's a logical choice.

I hate that I'm even at this point in a marriage that I would feel the need to set a limit on whether or not we can be together. I feel like it shouldn't be like this. If we were going to work, this wouldn't even be a part of the discussion. However people are broken and we all have our stuff. Since I have this innate sense of justice, it feels right to offer a chance. Then I can walk away without guilt or thinking I didn't give it an honest shot or didn't give him a chance to make changes. Sad that it has taken this for him to take me seriously but whatever. It is what it is. I'm just glad to have some kind of resolution available.

Of course, if he does make changes and I think we can stay married, then I'm still confronted with the situation of whether or not I can trust it. But for now I'm going to just accept things as they are and not stress over it. It will be what it is going to be.

In the meantime, I'm going to keep blogging. It will be a good opportunity to continue to vent as well as keep track of the days and how they have gone. I'm not going to put on rose-colored glasses but I may not be as critical when I know I've got over a year to hang in there. I'll write about each day, good or bad as they come and before D-day I will read over everything I've written to see how it went. That way my optimism won't get the best of me and I will have an honest, daily account of life together. With that being said, he brought me flowers yesterday just because. That was very nice and he remembered that white daisies are my favorite. Score one for him...

 

Hope Above Hopes

I had coffee with my dad today. Technically we don't have coffee but get together at 1030 am. Coffee time. I gave up coffee and pop. Caffeine wigs me out. I am a much happier person when I'm not wigging out. Lol! But I'm not writing this to talk about my reaction to caffeine.

 

We talked about gamblers; people that buy lottery tickets placing their hope in a little piece of paper with numbers on it. Those that are addicted relentlessly purchase tickets hoping above all hopes that they will be the one out of 175+ million people who play and win the grand prize. Those odds aren't very good and yet there are people that are buying 5 at a time daily with the hope that is increasing their odds enough to win a billion dollars.

 

I can't help but wonder if I'm gambling with my future. It can go both ways. Its a gamble if I stay but a gamble if I leave. The odds of me finding the man that is my jackpot is slim at best. I'm going to make random guesses now, the odds of me finding any man I can tolerate is 1:10. The odds of finding someone who will treat me better 1:35. The odds of being alone; 0:0 (I have kids). It's actually kind of interesting. I went to the census bureau to see how many educated, single men in my age bracket there is and they have all kinds of stats. None that I'm going to quote to you but lets just say my initial estimates are quite liberal. The odds are less than I thought. Not to mention I'm not traveling the world looking for a mate. I'm not looking at all. If there is a chance meeting or he's already in my life, then that's how it's going to have to happen.

 

However with all the chances of a different future, what are the odds that my husband can be what I need? Can he change who he is for me? Should I even be asking him to? I keep saying he's a good man. He is and this whole thing is breaking his heart. I really hate hurting him like this but I can't give him false hope. Yet its unfair of me to ask him to hang in there because I'm deciding what our fate is going to be. He has told me that I will have to be the one to leave. He doesn't want to lose his wife. He admits he's been a douche-bag.

 

It's a risk to forgive and move on. I don't know if I can. Some day I will, but I don't know what it will take. I don't know if I can while we are still married and living together. Part of me thinks we should just move on and if we were meant to be, we can date and get married again. This time it would be my choice. But what are the odds of that? Why would I bother working on my anger towards him when we aren't married and I have a lifetime of crap to deal with just analyzing the relationship with my Mom? I wouldn't and that wouldn't happen. So that's really out of the question but since we are talking odds here, it is possible that could work. The odds aren't good but there are odds of it happening.

 

Again I wonder if the hope that I have is misguided. Because honestly it is the hope of a different life that is what challenges me here. I know I can make this work. I know I can deal with how he is and spend the rest of my life with him. I know I can keep playing it safe and keep the peace. It gets easier as the kids get older to juggle and balance his co-dependence. I can continue to not do things I want to. I can continue to make the best of this and let who I am wither away. I've been doing it. I totally can.

 

But hoping above all reasonable hopes won't let me step away from the possibility of a better life. Even a life alone means I don't have to justify why I wear my hair curly instead of brushing out the "f me curls" I've been accused of. Life alone means I will shovel my own snow, put up my own trim, paint my own house and grill my own food. A life alone means the girls and I get to laugh as loud, as hard and as long as we want. A life alone means my girlfriend and I can have a sleep over or late night at the bar and I am not threatened. A life alone means I get to play piano for hours if I want. A life alone means more camping, means more swimming, more gardening, more playing. Friends, mine and of the girls, come over more often. Camp-outs in the back yard or turning the tramp into a tent with blankets and sticks! But not everything about being alone is good.

 

A life alone means I will miss soccer games, school plays, concerts and other things because I am working. A life alone means we never eat out because we don't have extra money. A life alone means (if he doesn't want them) I sell the boats and the motorcycle. A life alone means I'm changing my own oil, doing brake jobs and other maintenance on my car. A life alone may mean there is just one car and girls don't get to use it when they need it. It means if I'm having a panic attack there is no on here to tell me I'm not dying. A life alone means I buy my own smokes at 10pm when I've forgotten to get them during the day. A life alone means if something goes wrong with the house, I have to figure out how to fix it or find money to have someone come in and help me. It would be a real inconvenience to be alone.

 

An inconvenience to be alone? That's it? That's the best I've got? It would be uncomfortable, not easy, and inconvenient. Really? What the heck. Seriously, what am I missing here? What am I not seeing? Is hope blinding me or is it really that easy? Is it really going to be that hard to take off jammie pants and run to the gas station? Is it going to be horrible if I miss a few school events? Because the major ones I'd lose my job over. Is it going to be a bad summer without boats and motorcycles? Will life be over if I can't find the money for someone to put gutters on the house? What if the boiler stopped working...I'd have to get creative. Space heaters, talk to my Dad and friends, check with the local county for help, I don't know exactly but we'd figure it out. I have never walked away from anything in my life because I thought it was going to be inconvenient or hard even.

 

I chose to keep a baby and raise her alone when I was told to give her up for adoption. I was ready to sacrifice whatever it took to make sure she was okay. I would do that for all my kids. And let me tell you, a lifetime commitment of raising a child was not a small decision nor an easy one. But I never look back nor regret making that choice. Even though she has put me through hell at moments in her life, I wouldn't choose to do it differently. I'm glad for it all. So to think that I would hesitate improving my life because of a petty reason is disappointing to me. I must be missing something or am I just so complacent now that I have lost the fight that was in me 19 years ago. Interesting...am I not a fighter anymore? I don't know. That will have to be another blog. However I do know that I still hope for more...is it really a hope above hopes or is the potential gain worth the risk? Guess I need to figure that out.

The Other Side

I've been thinking about what if's. Talk about an abyss of philosophical rhetoric. However it is interesting to think about what if I stayed and tried to make the best of it. What would it be like?

A typical day is me getting up between 6-630 am. Start the car, start breakfast, make lunches, correct and sign homework, eat half a banana, send my "I love you today" texts then leave at 7am and drop the 3 off at their schools. I'm back home about 730 and I work out, take a shower, get laundry going, sweep, dust and steam the hardwood floors, vacuum the rugs, put dishes away if they haven't been already, plan dinner and defrost the meat if needed. Then I have some free time which I use to have coffee with my dad, visit elderly friends, make chord sheets and plan music sets, and now that it's warmer, will involve outdoor chores. About 230 pm the girls come home. From there it is a whirlwind of homework, stories from the day, informing of future things coming up and potential social engagements, driving to and from practices, starting dinner and other such things. Then my husband comes home between 3-430 depending on if he works overtime. When he walks in the door, I have hopefully remembered to have clean towels in the bathroom for him. If not, I go get one for him. He takes a shower while I'm juggling the rest of the stuff, gets dressed and lays on our bed and watches TV or takes a nap. Dinner is hot and served promptly at 5pm. He comes out for dinner and I have the kids and myself lined up on either side of the table and he is at the head. Either I serve him or he serves himself but he gets testy if someone puts food on their plate before he does so we've all learned to wait for him. 

Once dinner is over I check my watch and start my 15 minute ritual which involves rotating 15 minutes with him and 15 minutes with the kids. When he and I are together I'm usually gaming or texting on my phone while he tells me how much pain he is in, how tired he is and making requests for me to fill his water, fetch him a bowl of ice cream or whatever. I used to listen intently. Now I don't. I know it bugs him but he's been tolerating it sort of. He makes it evident that he's not happy but he doesn't say anything. So I bounce back and forth between him and the kids until 9pm at night when they need to be in their rooms. At this point I used to get some alone time. But he made such a big deal of it, now I lay in bed with him and let him talk about his day some more. Lights out at 1030 and once he's asleep, I'll either sneak out of bed and get some alone time or lay in bed on my phone. Things he gets really mad at me about but I am so drained from the evening I have to do something. Eventually I get to sleep and it starts over. Not a horrible existence. I've learned to cope but in an ideal world things would be different.

I don't think my husband likes me at all. Well he does when I'm doing what I'm suppose to but if the girls and I take a couple dozen eggs and throw them at trees just because it's fun, I'm in trouble. If we are laughing and giggling, he tells us to be quiet. If we aren't quiet enough he comes out of the room and sends us all to our rooms. Including me to our room. Of course his perception is different. He says he works hard and deserves his home to be his way. I suppose that's true. He does. Not sure how happy noises can be that upsetting. Especially when it's the laughter of children. There is no sweeter sound but that's my opinion. 

I love to play, color, be with the kids. They are my solace. Yet I'm so bogged down with trying to make him happy and still be sort of myself that I miss out. I get worn out and I am distracted by the things I dont really want to be doing. I'm sure I will be slapping my forehead saying "duh" when I look back at this time in my life. I already am. 

Yet, my life could certainly be worse. I could be beat up on a regular basis. I could be the only bread winner instead of a stay-at-home mom. I could be delusional and unaware. I could be suicidal and feeling like I'm without choices. But I'm not. I'm in a good place. Not comfortable, not ideal but it could be manageable if I choose to stick it out. You never really know about the grass on the other side until you get there. And if it's not as good as it looked, you can't go back. 

Fine line

I have been kicking around what I need vs what I want. What I need is far less than what I want. If what I need is all that matters, then I'm fine. I can survive on less even. However if what I want matters, then I need to make a change.

 

Proverbs 28 warns against a person trying to follow money and that we should be content with what we have and not being content robs us of life. Is it my discontent that drives my want? Should I be content and continue to die a little inside? Is what is dying inside actually a hope that needs to go away? Is it a selfish part manipulated by society's perception of love and marriage? Tough call. I don't know.

 

What I do know is there is a small voice deep inside of me that quietly whispers "you deserve more". Is that evil? Is it God? Is it me? I don't know but that still, small voice gets louder and louder everyday. Maybe it's because I turned 40 and I'm having a mid-life crisis. And yet, just a short while ago my daughter asked me how much more I'm going to put up with. It was unsolicited, she's 19 and she sees. The last kid to say something to me was the 18 year old. I guess it's obvious to the kids how mismatched he and I are. I wonder why it isn't obvious to everyone else.

 

Does it really matter though? What others think? It shouldn't but I definitely have issues with co-dependence. Clearly or I wouldn't even be wondering about the things I do. It's the co-dependence that continues to hold me back. My dependence on my friends, my dependence on my family, my dependence on my kids. I just want everyone around me to be happy. I know that is unrealistic but it's true. I used to be good at sacrificing so everyone else could have. I say used to because now I question it.

 

I question the necessity of keeping a happy face on when I'm not happy. I question why I keep attending and leading worship at a church I don't believe in. I question if it's my responsibility to take on the kind of responsibility I do. Is it really necessary for me to be the one to give all the time? Is it really necessary for everyone around me to be catered to? Do I really need to give up the rest of my life to a man I don't love? Do I really need to worry about what my friends think? If they are friends they will agree to disagree. Do I need to be concerned with how my husband is going to get along without me? Should I care that I have needs and wants and even bother making a change? It's a fine line and I have no ideas but to keep walking the line for as long as I can. I'll decide what I want or need later...