Hope Above Hopes

I had coffee with my dad today. Technically we don't have coffee but get together at 1030 am. Coffee time. I gave up coffee and pop. Caffeine wigs me out. I am a much happier person when I'm not wigging out. Lol! But I'm not writing this to talk about my reaction to caffeine.

 

We talked about gamblers; people that buy lottery tickets placing their hope in a little piece of paper with numbers on it. Those that are addicted relentlessly purchase tickets hoping above all hopes that they will be the one out of 175+ million people who play and win the grand prize. Those odds aren't very good and yet there are people that are buying 5 at a time daily with the hope that is increasing their odds enough to win a billion dollars.

 

I can't help but wonder if I'm gambling with my future. It can go both ways. Its a gamble if I stay but a gamble if I leave. The odds of me finding the man that is my jackpot is slim at best. I'm going to make random guesses now, the odds of me finding any man I can tolerate is 1:10. The odds of finding someone who will treat me better 1:35. The odds of being alone; 0:0 (I have kids). It's actually kind of interesting. I went to the census bureau to see how many educated, single men in my age bracket there is and they have all kinds of stats. None that I'm going to quote to you but lets just say my initial estimates are quite liberal. The odds are less than I thought. Not to mention I'm not traveling the world looking for a mate. I'm not looking at all. If there is a chance meeting or he's already in my life, then that's how it's going to have to happen.

 

However with all the chances of a different future, what are the odds that my husband can be what I need? Can he change who he is for me? Should I even be asking him to? I keep saying he's a good man. He is and this whole thing is breaking his heart. I really hate hurting him like this but I can't give him false hope. Yet its unfair of me to ask him to hang in there because I'm deciding what our fate is going to be. He has told me that I will have to be the one to leave. He doesn't want to lose his wife. He admits he's been a douche-bag.

 

It's a risk to forgive and move on. I don't know if I can. Some day I will, but I don't know what it will take. I don't know if I can while we are still married and living together. Part of me thinks we should just move on and if we were meant to be, we can date and get married again. This time it would be my choice. But what are the odds of that? Why would I bother working on my anger towards him when we aren't married and I have a lifetime of crap to deal with just analyzing the relationship with my Mom? I wouldn't and that wouldn't happen. So that's really out of the question but since we are talking odds here, it is possible that could work. The odds aren't good but there are odds of it happening.

 

Again I wonder if the hope that I have is misguided. Because honestly it is the hope of a different life that is what challenges me here. I know I can make this work. I know I can deal with how he is and spend the rest of my life with him. I know I can keep playing it safe and keep the peace. It gets easier as the kids get older to juggle and balance his co-dependence. I can continue to not do things I want to. I can continue to make the best of this and let who I am wither away. I've been doing it. I totally can.

 

But hoping above all reasonable hopes won't let me step away from the possibility of a better life. Even a life alone means I don't have to justify why I wear my hair curly instead of brushing out the "f me curls" I've been accused of. Life alone means I will shovel my own snow, put up my own trim, paint my own house and grill my own food. A life alone means the girls and I get to laugh as loud, as hard and as long as we want. A life alone means my girlfriend and I can have a sleep over or late night at the bar and I am not threatened. A life alone means I get to play piano for hours if I want. A life alone means more camping, means more swimming, more gardening, more playing. Friends, mine and of the girls, come over more often. Camp-outs in the back yard or turning the tramp into a tent with blankets and sticks! But not everything about being alone is good.

 

A life alone means I will miss soccer games, school plays, concerts and other things because I am working. A life alone means we never eat out because we don't have extra money. A life alone means (if he doesn't want them) I sell the boats and the motorcycle. A life alone means I'm changing my own oil, doing brake jobs and other maintenance on my car. A life alone may mean there is just one car and girls don't get to use it when they need it. It means if I'm having a panic attack there is no on here to tell me I'm not dying. A life alone means I buy my own smokes at 10pm when I've forgotten to get them during the day. A life alone means if something goes wrong with the house, I have to figure out how to fix it or find money to have someone come in and help me. It would be a real inconvenience to be alone.

 

An inconvenience to be alone? That's it? That's the best I've got? It would be uncomfortable, not easy, and inconvenient. Really? What the heck. Seriously, what am I missing here? What am I not seeing? Is hope blinding me or is it really that easy? Is it really going to be that hard to take off jammie pants and run to the gas station? Is it going to be horrible if I miss a few school events? Because the major ones I'd lose my job over. Is it going to be a bad summer without boats and motorcycles? Will life be over if I can't find the money for someone to put gutters on the house? What if the boiler stopped working...I'd have to get creative. Space heaters, talk to my Dad and friends, check with the local county for help, I don't know exactly but we'd figure it out. I have never walked away from anything in my life because I thought it was going to be inconvenient or hard even.

 

I chose to keep a baby and raise her alone when I was told to give her up for adoption. I was ready to sacrifice whatever it took to make sure she was okay. I would do that for all my kids. And let me tell you, a lifetime commitment of raising a child was not a small decision nor an easy one. But I never look back nor regret making that choice. Even though she has put me through hell at moments in her life, I wouldn't choose to do it differently. I'm glad for it all. So to think that I would hesitate improving my life because of a petty reason is disappointing to me. I must be missing something or am I just so complacent now that I have lost the fight that was in me 19 years ago. Interesting...am I not a fighter anymore? I don't know. That will have to be another blog. However I do know that I still hope for more...is it really a hope above hopes or is the potential gain worth the risk? Guess I need to figure that out.

The Other Side

I've been thinking about what if's. Talk about an abyss of philosophical rhetoric. However it is interesting to think about what if I stayed and tried to make the best of it. What would it be like?

A typical day is me getting up between 6-630 am. Start the car, start breakfast, make lunches, correct and sign homework, eat half a banana, send my "I love you today" texts then leave at 7am and drop the 3 off at their schools. I'm back home about 730 and I work out, take a shower, get laundry going, sweep, dust and steam the hardwood floors, vacuum the rugs, put dishes away if they haven't been already, plan dinner and defrost the meat if needed. Then I have some free time which I use to have coffee with my dad, visit elderly friends, make chord sheets and plan music sets, and now that it's warmer, will involve outdoor chores. About 230 pm the girls come home. From there it is a whirlwind of homework, stories from the day, informing of future things coming up and potential social engagements, driving to and from practices, starting dinner and other such things. Then my husband comes home between 3-430 depending on if he works overtime. When he walks in the door, I have hopefully remembered to have clean towels in the bathroom for him. If not, I go get one for him. He takes a shower while I'm juggling the rest of the stuff, gets dressed and lays on our bed and watches TV or takes a nap. Dinner is hot and served promptly at 5pm. He comes out for dinner and I have the kids and myself lined up on either side of the table and he is at the head. Either I serve him or he serves himself but he gets testy if someone puts food on their plate before he does so we've all learned to wait for him. 

Once dinner is over I check my watch and start my 15 minute ritual which involves rotating 15 minutes with him and 15 minutes with the kids. When he and I are together I'm usually gaming or texting on my phone while he tells me how much pain he is in, how tired he is and making requests for me to fill his water, fetch him a bowl of ice cream or whatever. I used to listen intently. Now I don't. I know it bugs him but he's been tolerating it sort of. He makes it evident that he's not happy but he doesn't say anything. So I bounce back and forth between him and the kids until 9pm at night when they need to be in their rooms. At this point I used to get some alone time. But he made such a big deal of it, now I lay in bed with him and let him talk about his day some more. Lights out at 1030 and once he's asleep, I'll either sneak out of bed and get some alone time or lay in bed on my phone. Things he gets really mad at me about but I am so drained from the evening I have to do something. Eventually I get to sleep and it starts over. Not a horrible existence. I've learned to cope but in an ideal world things would be different.

I don't think my husband likes me at all. Well he does when I'm doing what I'm suppose to but if the girls and I take a couple dozen eggs and throw them at trees just because it's fun, I'm in trouble. If we are laughing and giggling, he tells us to be quiet. If we aren't quiet enough he comes out of the room and sends us all to our rooms. Including me to our room. Of course his perception is different. He says he works hard and deserves his home to be his way. I suppose that's true. He does. Not sure how happy noises can be that upsetting. Especially when it's the laughter of children. There is no sweeter sound but that's my opinion. 

I love to play, color, be with the kids. They are my solace. Yet I'm so bogged down with trying to make him happy and still be sort of myself that I miss out. I get worn out and I am distracted by the things I dont really want to be doing. I'm sure I will be slapping my forehead saying "duh" when I look back at this time in my life. I already am. 

Yet, my life could certainly be worse. I could be beat up on a regular basis. I could be the only bread winner instead of a stay-at-home mom. I could be delusional and unaware. I could be suicidal and feeling like I'm without choices. But I'm not. I'm in a good place. Not comfortable, not ideal but it could be manageable if I choose to stick it out. You never really know about the grass on the other side until you get there. And if it's not as good as it looked, you can't go back. 

Fine line

I have been kicking around what I need vs what I want. What I need is far less than what I want. If what I need is all that matters, then I'm fine. I can survive on less even. However if what I want matters, then I need to make a change.

 

Proverbs 28 warns against a person trying to follow money and that we should be content with what we have and not being content robs us of life. Is it my discontent that drives my want? Should I be content and continue to die a little inside? Is what is dying inside actually a hope that needs to go away? Is it a selfish part manipulated by society's perception of love and marriage? Tough call. I don't know.

 

What I do know is there is a small voice deep inside of me that quietly whispers "you deserve more". Is that evil? Is it God? Is it me? I don't know but that still, small voice gets louder and louder everyday. Maybe it's because I turned 40 and I'm having a mid-life crisis. And yet, just a short while ago my daughter asked me how much more I'm going to put up with. It was unsolicited, she's 19 and she sees. The last kid to say something to me was the 18 year old. I guess it's obvious to the kids how mismatched he and I are. I wonder why it isn't obvious to everyone else.

 

Does it really matter though? What others think? It shouldn't but I definitely have issues with co-dependence. Clearly or I wouldn't even be wondering about the things I do. It's the co-dependence that continues to hold me back. My dependence on my friends, my dependence on my family, my dependence on my kids. I just want everyone around me to be happy. I know that is unrealistic but it's true. I used to be good at sacrificing so everyone else could have. I say used to because now I question it.

 

I question the necessity of keeping a happy face on when I'm not happy. I question why I keep attending and leading worship at a church I don't believe in. I question if it's my responsibility to take on the kind of responsibility I do. Is it really necessary for me to be the one to give all the time? Is it really necessary for everyone around me to be catered to? Do I really need to give up the rest of my life to a man I don't love? Do I really need to worry about what my friends think? If they are friends they will agree to disagree. Do I need to be concerned with how my husband is going to get along without me? Should I care that I have needs and wants and even bother making a change? It's a fine line and I have no ideas but to keep walking the line for as long as I can. I'll decide what I want or need later...

 

Swimming upstream

I told some friends Friday night what was going on in my head. Kinda wish I wouldn't have. I'm so prone to accepting false guilt and shame that it was less than helpful. I suppose some of it is because they are church friends. I don't recall the bible saying you shouldn't get divorced. I know I should take my vows seriously and I do. But it's hard to accept that knowing the reasoning behind the marriage and knowing it wasn't because of love. But church friends think I need to get in touch with reality. That my husband wants to change, can change and it's worth the fight. I don't think they understand it wasn't meant to be in the first place.

 

If it was meant to be then heck ya I'd hang in there. I would be fighting for the man I love and the life we have together. But I don't believe he can change and I don't believe that it's my responsibility to make him a better person. I can't even say he's a bad person. He's not. He always means well even though it will come out sideways at times. But he's a good man overall. So why should he change his ways for me? I just don't get that. My friends say I should hold him accountable and make him change. Why? Then he's just as unhappy as I am because he isn't being true to himself. That's not fair to either one of us.

 

Apparently I have a delusional mindset that a marriage should be built on a foundation of common ground, trust and love. Commitment is easy because you just can't imagine your life without that person. You don't have to struggle to find things to do together because you have similar interests. You can also be in the same room but completely separate from each other and it's good. You don't have to be connected at the hip either. Life is complimented by that person in your life, not hindered or restrained. It seems so simple to me and clear. Why can't anyone I know seem to understand? The one person I think would, I'm not allowed to talk to anymore. His wife is a bully too. We have the same upbringing and respond to life situations nearly identical. He's like my brother. Love him so much. But maybe not talking to him is good. Maybe he and I are both trying to swim up a stream that has a powerful current. Eventually I'm going to get tired and worn out. That's how I got into this mess in the first place. But I hope I get some fight in this.

 

Not because I want to be defiant or to hurt anyone but because I know I can't do this much longer. But now I feel like I have to because friends have told me they disagree with it, that I'm moving too fast, that I shouldn't be making major life decisions in the midst of grief. On the other hand, my therapist says it sounds like I am thinking clearly, I can't expect my husband to change, that grief is not like being in recovery for addictions where professionals encourage newly sober or clean people to wait a year to relearn life without the substance. Naturally those are the things I want to hear. They work better with my agenda. Even so, I cannot turn my back on what trusted friends have shared with me.

 

Sad thing is, I don't believe they would tell my bro-guy friend mentioned earlier the same that they told me. They would support him and be amazing. I think part of why they aren't that way with me is because they need my husband. We play in a band together and he's the lead singer. The band would not be the same without him. So I question the motives. I'm not convinced it's for my best interest. I think it's for the interest of the church we play at and their desire to keep things as they are. I get that and don't blame them. We are very good. However I'd like to think we could be able to still play in a band together. But I've always been one that could be around ex's and it's been fine. Awkward initially but back to friends in no time. There's no reason to be angry when it just doesn't work out. You tried, it didn't work. No blame, it just is what it is. But I guess I don't have a grasp on reality (sarcasm).

 

So here I am. Once again going against what everyone around me tells me I should do. My track record is such that the best decisions I've made have also been the ones where I've followed my heart and not took the advice of those around me. Perhaps I choose bad friends. Could be because I like broken people, but I don't think that's it at all. Broken doesn't equal bad. I think I have to trust myself enough to move forward. Even if I do, now I will wait so I can show my friends I tried. Sucks really because if they were there 6 years ago when we were in marriage counseling or when he left us for 6 months and things like that, they may have different opinions. I just don't feel like arguing the point nor dragging my husband through any more mud than I have to. He's not proud of his actions and I know what it feels like to be ashamed and guilty. It's not a good place to be and he doesn't need that anymore than anyone of us. Regardless. But that's how I roll. I wouldn't wish this curse on anyone, not even an enemy. Bizarre... You would think I'd be more angry. Maybe I should be. I really don't know.

 

But for now, I'll just keep swimming. Rest when I can, start planning for a future alone and securing myself financially and emotionally. It's about all I can do.

 

Really? It's almost 3 a.m.

I can't sleep. So much runs through my head at night. Most of it is grief related. My Mom passed away last May. Almost a year now. Since then my world has been upside down. Sadly it isn't because she and I were close. We weren't. Quite the opposite, I have some deep seeded resentments towards her. If you haven't gathered from my previous posts, she wasn't exactly a nice woman. Well that's not necessarily true either. She was great in public. Not much of a Mom unless you consider physically abusing and neglecting your kids being a good mom. But you don't. The majority of people know it's wrong. I don't think she did. I think she thought it was totally ok as it was happening. Then I got old enough to fight back and I fought back. Of course, then she found ways to control me with her shame and guilt trips. She may be gone but to this day, I still live by her insane rules that are trapped in my head. I don't trust myself. I don't believe I'm worth much. I believe I am the source of most everybody's problems around me and I believe I am very sick of it.

 

Since she's died, I've been scrambling. I don't know what in my life is real. I'm not sure who I am. I want nothing to do with anything she was involved in. Especially not my marriage. Sucks really. This was doomed from the start. I knew it but I've spent my whole life doing what she wanted, I figured this was just another thing I had to do. I couldn't trust my own judgement. But that's the problem. I can. Or at least I think I can. My kids have turned out amazingly. So if I can be trusted with the lives of children, you would think I could trust my capability to make responsible decisions.

 

Yet I look back at the poor choices I've made under the duress of my childhood and see how foolish I've been. My therapist says I shouldn't hold myself accountable for all of those actions because I was doing what I knew to do. I was trying to cope and trying to find a way to make my life manageable. I never found manageability until I stopped fighting, accepted the shame and guilt and did what I was told. Once again, put my head down, keep my mouth shut and do what I think I'm suppose to do. It's more peaceful that way and since I'm a master at sacrificing myself, why not? But she's gone. And I'm left trying to sort out the pieces and realizing that she picked another controlling person to be my husband. I wonder if it was on purpose. I'm guessing it was. She did tell me that she wanted me to be with someone that could keep me in line....

 

Keep me in line. Am I really that horrible? Am I really that impulsive and unpredictable? Am I really that stupid? Am I really not trust-worthy? Sad that I question those things. If my kids thought I thought that way about them I would be heart broken. I know that it's been hard sometimes but I raised my girls to question, to stand up for what is right, to be thankful, to earn what you get, to fight for themselves and say what they want and need. It's a challenge at times because they practice on me and as maddening as it can be, I am so proud of them. I don't think I've ever made my Mom proud. If I did, she certianly didn't let me know. Yet there are moments with my kids that I'm giggling and smiling because I am so proud of them. Took them a little bit to understand it. But they get it now and it is good.

 

Despite the mud I'm trudging through right now, they are my saving grace. Even if I decide to stay where I am and not get healthy emotionally, I know the way I've raised them has broken the circle of abuse. Their children will have different lives than the one that my Mom and Dad had and the way I had. And for that I give praise to God because it could have continued. I didn't have to be aware. I didn't have to know that it was wrong but I did. Even as a little child I knew that wasn't the way you treated people. I could have been a bully. I could have been narcissistic. But I am not and somehow God made sure in my heart that I would always question the treatment I received. It's phenomenal really. A miracle of sorts. Something that has caused me a great deal of emotional and mental pain but one that I believe will also save me from an unfulfilling life. I guess time will tell...

 

Simplify

It snowed last night. Although I'm not happy about snow in April it was a good learning experience for me. He is home today after hurting his foot at work. I thought I'd get to use the snow blower. Nope, that's for him. He's fine. Doesn't need help. Okay.... so I grab the shovel and start doing the front and back porches and uncovering the car we needed to get out to drive the kids to school. Yet that was somehow a personal attack on his manhood. He was pissed to say the leave and commanded me to go inside. I complied as usual but not without say f you under my breath. Normally I wouldn't be passive aggressive but being shoved in the snow at 8 am doesn't sound like a nice way for me to start my day. So it eked out. Not proud of it but it is what it is.

Last night he was a sweetheart. Rubbing the kink out of my back, was supportive, gentle, loving. A man that I could easily learn to love romantically. He was even snuggly in his sleep. It was nice. I wish it could be like that all the time. But it cant. And I can't spend the second half of my life wondering when he's going to go off. I already did that the first half with my Mom. Enough is enough.

So now I realize that I'm going to need a car that is in excellent condition because I can't do the repairs. He can, but doesn't usually. If he's not around, I'll need something I can trust to get the kids and myself around town. I'm going to need a snow blower and lawn mower that is user friendly. Something the girls and myself can use easily. Right now I think you have to cross wires with the choke in or something like that. I don't know. I do know that I don't need that headache. If he takes all his tools with, I'm going to need a tool box with the basics: wrench, standard and Phillips screwdriver, hammer, nails, etc. And a power drill. But that's more because I have a lot of finishing work to do on my house. It was built in 1900 and it was not very well maintained. It was a foreclosure property that once again he promised he would fix up. 4 years later, it's still in shambles. At least I have a kitchen which is more than was there when we moved in. Guess I'll need some sort of saw. I like circulars. And a level. Hmm...I'm sure more of those little things will come up.



 
 
I also have resources for support. I have 3 amazing man friends and 2 of them have great wives and I know they would help as much as they could. My Dad will help too but I'm not sure if I want to further muddy those waters. Then again, that relationship is not the priority right now. I suppose I can reach out at church and ask for help. Or maybe the neighbors. One neighbor I wouldn't bother but another neighbor, they seem like really good people. I suppose I would need to consider going and getting county/state assistance for food and other things. I'm sure I could eventually make it all work but in the meantime I would need health coverage and probably a little to pay the bills with. Back to poor credit though. I'd have to let a lot of things go like our cell phones and go with a pay as you go and not cover the kids anymore. That would be okay but then we owe our cell phone company termination fees and such. What a farce that gimmick is, but I'm not going to get into that today.


It all sounds like a lot of complicated mess and yet, I'm so fine with it. It doesn't scare me at all. I'm not afraid to ask for help. I feel guilty doing it but I'm humble enough to know my limitations. I'll deal with the guilt if things are safe and sound for the kids. Emotionally, I'm going to have to find a friend I can touch base with more often than I do now. I'm a hyper texter. Maybe hyper isn't the appropriate word. I just love texting. I do it all the time and have a lot of people I can text with. That is always a good source. My other friends would tolerate me dropping in from time to time. They might even like it. (ha!) Emotional support I definitely would need to stay in therapy but I was planning that anyway. I'm not even going to consider any kind of relationship until I've got 90% of my junk resolved. I'm a mess. Well, I'd date a married man or something. Wow. I clearly don't have respect for the institution of marriage. Interesting. But I would. It would be safe. Have the physical attention I need without all the emotional complications. Sounds nice. Too much risk in dating a single man in his 40's or 50's. Given the age bracket, most are going to want to settle down and are looking for that lifetime companion. That's not me. Eventually I might be, but not now. I'm in no hurry to complicate my life again. Its time to simplify and find the freedom I have been hoping for. Wow, I'm going to be a force to reckon with. Not in a bad way but I am not going to want to compromise for a while with anyone.

Okay...that's not totally true. I am not a mean or selfish person. There will always be room for compromise. However I will be testing those in my life to see who is willing to adjust to the new me or who has just been taking advantage of me. Simply put, it's time to simplify.

Some Kind of Life

Just got back from therapy. I love my therapist. He's amazing. It's about time I found one that's "real". Not that others aren't real but I'm a no-nonsense kind of person. I just want to jump right in and he's been good with that. I SO appreciate that. Not to mention that I have some education in Psychology so to talk to someone that has experience and is intelligent is huge for me.

Anyway, as I've been kicking around the possibilities of divorce I've really struggled. I know what makes me happy and yet I continue to sacrifice and give up who I am to keep the peace. I am so F-ing tired of keeping the peace. Not that I want to pick up a gun and go to the post office but I want a voice. I want to matter. I want my heart to be known and my choices to reflect who I am. Not who I am with. I know that I am smart, pretty, funny, charismatic, kind, loving, nurturing, giving, gifted, intelligent and good. Yet, none of those things seem to matter when I am making decisions that involve other people in my life. I figure I have sacrificed myself this long, why complicate my life with changing that now.

However I feel as it that change would be simplifying my life. I am a simple person. I want very little and can handle life with less. I've instilled that in my kids as well and they are totally fine when the power goes out and we have to live without electronics and appliances. Last summer, our power was out for 3 days. Outside of my husband pissing and moaning constantly, it was the best days of that season. My girls and I would play Uno and other games outside on the deck until the sun went down. We had bonfires and the laughter...oh my goodness!!! Let me tell you, my kids are so funny together. One is witty and a smart-ass, the other a drama queen and the other is what I like to call a "bomber". She's quiet most the time but when she throws out something in the mix, you are on the floor laughing. Another one is random and takes the conversation to new and strange places. It is a fabulous time! Anyway we know that all we really need is each other which is a huge deal as I am processing how divorced life might go.

I don't work right now so I'd have to find an entry level job somewhere with flexible hours that will allow me to work when the kids are at school. That's ideal. Yet the oldest at home is 18 and the youngest is 12 so I could honestly work anytime. They can handle cooking and homework and errands and such. The 15 year old has her permit and can also help with driving if need be. The 19 year old only lives about 5 miles away and she and her boyfriend could easily help if I end up needing to work in the afternoons and evenings. I've also considered overnights somewhere as I can sleep during the day, be home for dinner and then go to work while they are sleeping. Some days that sounds like the best option but that's not really an option if I hope to have some kind of life when I'm not working...some kind of life...wonder what that means.

I love the idea of casual dating. Cringe at the idea of marriage. Not that I'm a slut and want to sleep around or anything. Just love people and tend to get along better with men. That's because my Mom and I didn't really see eye-to-eye (yes I'm minimizing the relationship dynamics). But I like meeting new people. Problem arises back in the first blog where everyone falls in love with me; man or woman. Hmm...I could even explore bi-sexuality if I wanted. Lol, I don't really want to but I could. That's kinda cool. Anyway, I would want to casually date. Have friends to hang out with. I wonder if the friends we have now would need to pick sides. I would hope not. But they might. I don't really want to lose the friends I have because I don't have many. I know a lot of people but not many are my friends. It's just safer that way. I can't fail to measure up to expectations if I don't have a lot of friends.

This life on my own would be lonely. I would miss having an adult in the house with me. But that can be solved with a roommate if I needed the extra money. I like the idea of sleeping in my bed all by myself!!! Wohoo! No more blaming for his bad nights sleep. I don't have to sleep with one eye open to make sure I don't hog the bed or take the covers or whatever insane complaint he has. I'd have to have a firmer hand with the dogs or they will run me over. But that's okay. If I can handle taking 21 high school boys and girls on a road trip for 10 days then the dogs are nothing to worry about.

Sex. Hmm...Not real sure about this one. I don't masturbate. Makes me feel guilty (yes more upbringing crap). And I would need a release here and there. Guess I'd need to get on birth control and find me a FWB. Lol! I really don't want a committed relationship. That might mean I give up sex. That wouldn't be my first choice but one I'm willing to make. That's going to have to be another wondering topic...people that would willingly give up sex...but I digress.

Okay, so I covered finances, dating, sex. How would I feel? Ugh. I hate this question. I have a friend who will ask me "Are you okay?". I cannot tell you how agitated I get with that question. He means it well but I feel like it is a personal attack. As if somehow I'm not okay. Did I give him the idea I wasn't okay? Am I being so transparent that you can see that I'm really not? Because I'm not okay. I grieve the idea of failing at another marriage. Even though it was an arranged marriage of sorts, it still feels like a failure and a disappointment. I feel like I would be creating trust issues for my kids and men. I feel like I'd be handing myself a life-sentence of solitary. And even though I'm an introvert, the idea of being alone my whole life does not make me happy. I feel guilty for stringing him along for 7 years when I knew from the beginning I shouldn't have been married in the first place. I get angry that I have wasted more of my life doing what someone else told me to. I resent being in this position where I look like the bad guy because I'm the only one who has a problem with this.

And yet, my 18 year old has come up to me and said, "Mom, I know you're not happy. Don't stop fighting for what you know is right". Wow, out of the mouths of babes. If I knew that my kids would be okay, I'd file for divorce today. But I don't really want to talk to them about it because I don't know if it's going to happen. I might just make another decision to continue to focus on what I have to do instead of what I want to do. Then I create fear in them that I didn't need to. However he's not any of their biological dads so it isn't like we would need to do custody and stuff. I'm sure I'd have to get used to seeing him here and there because they do love him and I believe they would still want to spend time with him on occasion. Then again, they may not. The extent of his damage may go further than I realize. I hope not but the likelihood of it is pretty good. I've chosen to turn a blind eye to a lot. Its the only way I've been able to make it this far. But I can't handle the dishonesty of all of that. Let me tell you, ignorance is bliss. There's another blog for another day.

Maintenance on the house and cars and other things, I'm not really concerned with. I have great friends and my Dad will help too. Quite frankly, I like to fix and repair stuff. I like the idea of putting up my own trim or fixing windows, painting, staining, refinishing floors. It would be mine and my way. That's an incredible relief for me. No more worrying about what he might want. I can have petal pink in my kitchen and it would be okay!

After all of this, I wonder though if my generally positive outlook is burning me. Countless times I have found myself in over my head because I was too optimistic. Had I looked more closely, I could have predicted the outcome of many of those situations. I guess I had better ponder more on this and make sure I am fully aware and understand what may happen.

Gotta go, the dogs are barking. There's someone at the door.

Until next time...