Simplify

It snowed last night. Although I'm not happy about snow in April it was a good learning experience for me. He is home today after hurting his foot at work. I thought I'd get to use the snow blower. Nope, that's for him. He's fine. Doesn't need help. Okay.... so I grab the shovel and start doing the front and back porches and uncovering the car we needed to get out to drive the kids to school. Yet that was somehow a personal attack on his manhood. He was pissed to say the leave and commanded me to go inside. I complied as usual but not without say f you under my breath. Normally I wouldn't be passive aggressive but being shoved in the snow at 8 am doesn't sound like a nice way for me to start my day. So it eked out. Not proud of it but it is what it is.

Last night he was a sweetheart. Rubbing the kink out of my back, was supportive, gentle, loving. A man that I could easily learn to love romantically. He was even snuggly in his sleep. It was nice. I wish it could be like that all the time. But it cant. And I can't spend the second half of my life wondering when he's going to go off. I already did that the first half with my Mom. Enough is enough.

So now I realize that I'm going to need a car that is in excellent condition because I can't do the repairs. He can, but doesn't usually. If he's not around, I'll need something I can trust to get the kids and myself around town. I'm going to need a snow blower and lawn mower that is user friendly. Something the girls and myself can use easily. Right now I think you have to cross wires with the choke in or something like that. I don't know. I do know that I don't need that headache. If he takes all his tools with, I'm going to need a tool box with the basics: wrench, standard and Phillips screwdriver, hammer, nails, etc. And a power drill. But that's more because I have a lot of finishing work to do on my house. It was built in 1900 and it was not very well maintained. It was a foreclosure property that once again he promised he would fix up. 4 years later, it's still in shambles. At least I have a kitchen which is more than was there when we moved in. Guess I'll need some sort of saw. I like circulars. And a level. Hmm...I'm sure more of those little things will come up.



 
 
I also have resources for support. I have 3 amazing man friends and 2 of them have great wives and I know they would help as much as they could. My Dad will help too but I'm not sure if I want to further muddy those waters. Then again, that relationship is not the priority right now. I suppose I can reach out at church and ask for help. Or maybe the neighbors. One neighbor I wouldn't bother but another neighbor, they seem like really good people. I suppose I would need to consider going and getting county/state assistance for food and other things. I'm sure I could eventually make it all work but in the meantime I would need health coverage and probably a little to pay the bills with. Back to poor credit though. I'd have to let a lot of things go like our cell phones and go with a pay as you go and not cover the kids anymore. That would be okay but then we owe our cell phone company termination fees and such. What a farce that gimmick is, but I'm not going to get into that today.


It all sounds like a lot of complicated mess and yet, I'm so fine with it. It doesn't scare me at all. I'm not afraid to ask for help. I feel guilty doing it but I'm humble enough to know my limitations. I'll deal with the guilt if things are safe and sound for the kids. Emotionally, I'm going to have to find a friend I can touch base with more often than I do now. I'm a hyper texter. Maybe hyper isn't the appropriate word. I just love texting. I do it all the time and have a lot of people I can text with. That is always a good source. My other friends would tolerate me dropping in from time to time. They might even like it. (ha!) Emotional support I definitely would need to stay in therapy but I was planning that anyway. I'm not even going to consider any kind of relationship until I've got 90% of my junk resolved. I'm a mess. Well, I'd date a married man or something. Wow. I clearly don't have respect for the institution of marriage. Interesting. But I would. It would be safe. Have the physical attention I need without all the emotional complications. Sounds nice. Too much risk in dating a single man in his 40's or 50's. Given the age bracket, most are going to want to settle down and are looking for that lifetime companion. That's not me. Eventually I might be, but not now. I'm in no hurry to complicate my life again. Its time to simplify and find the freedom I have been hoping for. Wow, I'm going to be a force to reckon with. Not in a bad way but I am not going to want to compromise for a while with anyone.

Okay...that's not totally true. I am not a mean or selfish person. There will always be room for compromise. However I will be testing those in my life to see who is willing to adjust to the new me or who has just been taking advantage of me. Simply put, it's time to simplify.