Caution

Got my first pedicure today. What an experience. It was nice but very awkward for me. I can see why people do it but I have issues with sex being a reward. Not that I did anything of course but it was a man who did it and I realized that if we had been on a date or something, I would have felt obligated to have sex with him. Now that's messed up.

I can't really say why I feel that way. I suppose some of it is because I just don't feel worthy of attention without reciprocation. However, why would I not feel that paying him would be enough? Or even the tip I gave him? Why is that not enough?

The bible says I am suppose to cherish my body and treat it with respect. Knowing what I do about spiritual warfare, I know that there is a connection that you don't want to subject yourself to at random. You can pick up all sorts of "parasites". And yet, that doesn't scare me like it should. I know that in certain situations, I would not be able to have self control.

Is it nympho tendencies? I just can't say no to sex. Yet I can say no to my husband so I don't need an emotional connection. So it is sex with strangers that appeals to me? Possibly but there are people I'd just never sleep with. So I need physical attraction. I don't know.

What seems to be consistent is that I seem to think I have nothing worth offering but myself. My money, my time, my emotion, I don't consider it anything would want. But I assume a person would want sex. Ugh. I'm going to have to process that further. I don't want to go into a single life with this unresolved. Could be an ugly thing.

In fact, it's already ugly because I could easily cheat on my husband right now. Even though we are in a "trial" time, in other words separated emotionally, again in the right situation I wouldn't hesitate to cheat on him. I have so much animosity and I'm tired of needing to be on my toes constantly in order to avoid things going back to how they were. It would be so easy but I'm so close to freedom. What that freedom is, I don't know. Time will tell.

Yet I know that if I went and cheated on him or even told him I had, it would be over now. It is incredibly tempting. But I can't do it. Gotta see this through the right way. And yet, if we end up together in a year, I still need to be able to understand my vulnerability when it comes to men and sex. It's a dangerous mix regardless because one wrong move and I've not only put myself at risk but my family and possibly another marriage. No good. I'd better use caution.

Which direction?

Haven't written for a while. Hasn't been too much to write about and I've been trying to adjust to a summer schedule plus working and a house guest so I don't get much time. Not that I haven't been thinking because I have. Of course there is no resolutions yet although I'm seeing and feeling movement which is good. Just not sure which direction it's taking me.

I find myself noticing more and saying less again. I'm also not seeing my friends as much nor in therapy so my sounding boards aren't getting used. H is quickly shifting back to his old ways and even though I say less now, I still say something. For example I told him I didn't like the direction we are going and I'm not going back. His response was to tell me the changes he has noticed in me and how I can be better including quitting my job. Normally I would have kept my mouth shut. Tonight I told him to worry about what he needs to do and I'll worry about what I need to do because it won't work in the current state.

I'm increasingly aware of the June deadline. I'm so grateful for it. It's a form of accountability for me. Not just in my on again-off again marriage but individually as well. My heart is softening and I'm less afraid of my feelings. There is less shame in crying and I can feel myself closer to forgiving my mom. I'm tired of carrying it around.

Also my bff challenged me to listen to Christian radio to work every day last week. Although I didn't listen daily, I did a couple of the mornings when the silence was deafening. I have to admit the messages in the music certainly made a difference in my heart. It reminded me of the promises of the bible and what God has for me. It brought back hope. This time not in a future life without H or a soul mate but a hope in the present. That each moment, good or bad, each step I take, is in God's hands. It really doesn't matter what direction I am going because God is in the details. Now that's a hope I can hold on to. Thanks k. I love you.

Work

I have a friend who hfor recently separated from her boyfriend if 9 years. Shes hurt but doing fabulously. I find myself jealous of the potential she has for her future. I find myself wanting the same opportunities she has for her future.

I'm working now and loving it. Feels good to be busy, make new friends and feel productive. I forgot how much I love to work. Strange I suppose but I do. I always have and it doesnt matter what I'm doing. I just love to work.

I think its because I feel useful, needed, wanted, helpful and desired. I suppose my parents made me this way. They had high expectations of all of us kids. Unfortunately sometimes they were hard on us. And that made all of us feels like we needed to be perfect. I guess all 4 of us really have dealt with that in our own way.

We all have our own insecurities and fears. One brother became an alcoholic and still struggles to stay sober even though he is almost 40 years old. Another brother is an overachiever and tries to make himself feel better by striving for fame, power, money, prestige and reputation. Then my sister just doesn't come home and avoids the situation completely. It's too bad we can't find more productive ways to deal with our insecurities and frustrations with the way we were raised. But really who truly is able to cope with their upbringing and healthy way?

I don't think anybody. Can we say what normal is? I don't think so. At one point, the world used to I think they knew what normal was. However I think we have learned that we really don't. Thankfully in our humility, we stopped trying to strive for an ideal that doesn't exist. And yet with the freedom that brings, it also puts us in a place of uncertainty. We struggle to find ourselves in this world. We struggle to hold on to a sense of security but not knowing how to find it. Our hearts wrestle with our heads daily and we end our days exhausted by the fight. But we keep fighting.

That's another reason why I like to work. It presents me with an option to feel normal. Being a housewife is hard. There aren't many of us out there and it is a common thing for people to assume I'm not smart enough to do anything else. That bugs me. But I'm not so co-dependent that I lose sleep over it. Thank God for that! Lol!

Anyway, I'm glad to be in the real world even if I don't have all I want. I have what I need. That's good enough right?

No more fear?

H and I went to see my Dad tonight. He decided to share some past experiences with us. There were all sorts of stories but the one he stressed was me at 18 months old, running away from my parents, even climbing over a fence to get away. Dad's point was to show that deep inside me, deeper than comprehension, that if I stay in any one place, I will die.

As I ponder this, rather than wondering if it's true, I wonder how it has affected me. Dad says it's a fear of abandonment that started when I was born. Within a day of my birth, I was shipped off to my parents. I had no time for bonding with my birth mom and once I got with them, there was no ability on my Mom's part to bond and my Dad was always working. I was passed around from person to person in his little parish, never really knowing the security of having parents or even consistent relationships in my life. In turn I trust no one.

I know that part is true. I have never trusted anyone fully in my life. Not even myself. Usually people with abandonment issues rely fully on themselves. However because of my upbringing, I was made to doubt even myself. I am unable at this time to fully believe in anyone. Not even God.

What a sad, sad reality. It breaks my heart. But it explains a lot. I cannot trust marriage, I cannot trust friendship, I cannot trust common sense or researched decisions. I cannot believe a doctor, I cannot believe a lawyer. I cannot believe myself. Even if I'd had the opportunity, I would have sabotaged it. Not on purpose but unwittingly. The jagged pieces of my broken heart severing ties, making excuses, finding fault, passing judgement.

I don't want to live like this anymore. I cannot. I run from one extreme to another, lost and confused. Wanting to fit in and find my place but so distraught by the things of my past that I cannot be where I belong. It's no wonder I have been married 3 times. It's no wonder I have attended and worshipped at 6 different churches in my adult life. It's no wonder I don't even know who I am. And it's no one's fault. I can't blame my Moms. One was doing what she thought was right. The other was sick in her own ways. I am merely a product of being conceived.

Now what? Is there hope? Is there a way to get back to a place that goes beyond my existence to be healed? Is there a way God can reach beyond my comprehension, my memories, my feelings? Was I born with a broken heart? Will it ever be whole?

I don't know. But I know I have to try. I want to be whole. I want to trust. I want my marriage to work. I want a church home. I want the home I live in to be my house for the rest of my natural life. I want my friends to be in my life forever. I want to grow old and feel safe where I'm at, with whom I'm with and not want or need more. I don't want to be afraid anymore...

Summer Vacation

It's the last week of school and the kids are getting excited. They are bouncing off the walls eagerly awaiting the first day of summer so they can sleep in. Remember those days? I do. The rumbling through the halls with sparks of joy and anticipation as you barely focus on the task at hand to get through one more day of school. It was a fun time!

My little one isn't very proficient in math. It isn't that she doesn't try, it's that she just doesn't get it. Yet we live in a district where she is expected as a 6th grader to know 7th grade math. Because she passed with average scores, she is expected to take an extra math class next year to get her caught up to other kids in her grade...but those kids are already over-achieving. What she is looking forward to the most about summer is that she doesn't have to be constantly reminded that she isn't as good as her peers.

Why do we do that? Are we teaching our kids to compare themselves to other?. To try to compete and measure up instead of teaching them to do their best and try hard. Has it always been that way in the schools?

I never had trouble in school. I aced college; was on the deans list and carried an 3.7 GPA. In middle school and high school, I didn't have to try to do well and was in most of the advanced classes. And yet, somehow I still didn't measure up either. There was always a grade higher, there was always a better option, there was always...perfection. I even challenged myself to see how many things I could letter in during my high school career. I wanted to sport a covered letter jacket and I did. I lettered in academics, fine arts, track, gymnastics, swimming, diving, dance-line, cheerleading, volleyball, tennis, and softball. Never could pick up golf and I didn't like to compete in long races although I did like to run long distances but that was an escape from home. I could do that on week nights when I wasn't allowed to do anything else. Anyway...

Now as an adult I realize that perfection is not possible and yet I still struggle with not being good enough. If I understand that perfections isn't possible because I am a flawed human being, then why  should I be striving to live a life without mistakes? Why can't I accept that I don't have to look like others? Why do I feel guilty that I hold a PhD and yet do nothing with it? Why do I feel shame in staying home with my kids instead of pursuing a lofty career? I assume public perception is that I failed college, I wasn't smart enough to have a career, that having babies and being home with the kids is the only chance I had at having a normal life. Is that really how it is? Or am I making a mountain out of a mole hill?

Despite what society says, I still have my issues with being worthy. I am not worthy of love, I am not worthy of justice, I am not worthy of attention, I am not worthy of care. I must earn those things and if I don't earn them, I cannot expect or assume that anyone is going to care about me. Even as I type that I find myself shaking my head in disbelief. It is so ass-backwards. My thinking is so distorted. But is it? I look at my daughter struggling and wonder if it is all me. Perhaps it isn't. Perhaps the unspoken messages that are drifting around the world are that I must be better. That I need to make a bunch of money, that I need to drive fancy cars and wear lots of diamonds. Maybe the messages are that you are not worthy or good enough so you need to spend a lot more time and money on vacations, on stuff, on college and careers. Maybe the messages are that you must be within the government guidelines of height and weight to be healthy, happy.

Maybe those messages are wrong...and if they are. Then what? How does a person look beyond the stresses of the world and see their strengths? How does a person look in the mirror and feel worthy with all the ways they don't measure up? How does a person say to themselves, "I'm a mess" and still feel good about themselves?

The answer is God and yet even His grace is tough to accept at times. Yet if I can accept His grace and offer that same grace to myself...then life is going to always feel like a summer vacation.

I'm okay with that. :)

Commitment Issues

I have issues with commitment. I suppose that shouldn't come as a surprise being married 3 times and all but I do. It's a strange thing because I love the concept of marriage. I love what it was meant to be. I love what it is suppose to be. I love the idea of having your best friend with you at all times and someone to share the best and worst things of life together. A total trust with someone who knows all of you and loves you regardless.

I still want that. And oddly, it is seeming that H might actually be that man. It's not like I was intentionally testing him because the ultimatum and threats were real. I was done. But as he's accepted responsibility, I'm finding a man what is worth the effort. Even as unsure as I still am about this all working, he is patiently waiting, gently encouraging, and quick to apologize if old hurts he's caused come up. He also isn't pushing for a bigger commitment than I'm willing to give. He just wants to be by my side and wants to earn back the trust he so carelessly threw away. And not just my trust but the trust of our kids. I'm grateful.

Yet I am freaked by the concept of marriage. To me, it feels like a trap, submission, turning over control. That's my first mistake. I've always thought that is what it meant. My role as wife was to submit and let myself be controlled, manipulated and told what to do. I know in my head that's not correct. However convincing my heart is another matter.

Can I convince my heart that I can be in a forever relationship with anyone and still be who I am? Can I convince my heart that I have an opinion worth mentioning? Can I convince my heart that I am valuable, special and worth being treated well? Sometimes I think yes. Other times, when I'm not feeling very strong, I think no. And that conflict is not likely to go away. So I need someone that will help me to not compromise who I am in order to keep the peace. That's what has gotten me in this mess in the first place. H says he can do that, and for the last week or so he has. I hope it sticks. Because honestly, I don't want to do this again and I know I would.

I would like to say I would never get married again that I'd never allow myself to be in a long term relationship with someone again but I know better. Disney movies have lulled me into believing there is a soul mate out there for me. That one special prince.

My heart is still struggling with H. But again, he's not asking for much. And yet if I cannot give him what he wants, this is going to hurt us both so much more by hanging in there any longer. I keep saying, I can make this work. It will be okay and I believe that. But I keep coming back to the question of whether or not I should. Today I'm weak. Today I'm tired. Today I want to just give up this fight and just go with the flow. But why?

Am I wanting to give up because I am tired or is there somewhere in me that see's this is a good thing, he is actually who I was meant to be with and I am discontent because I am afraid of marriage? Well afraid of the concept of marriage that plagues me and stresses me out. I suppose the issues come from seeing how awful my parents marriage was. They hung in there. It was only by God's grace that my Dad was freed from the control at 66 when my Mom died. I don't want that. I don't want to wait that long. But marriage isn't meant to be something you are "freed" from and yet, that's exactly how I feel. Gonna have to explore this one in therapy because I'm not coming up with anything on my own.

In the meantime, I'll just stay where I am and hope that God will continue to do the good work in H that he has started (Phillipians) because at this point, there is a very real possibility that he is THE one and I'M the one that needs to accept it.

Happy Anniversary Mom

Today is the first anniversary of my Mom's passing. Honestly I didn't realize it until I logged onto Facebook and saw my brothers and sister had posted stuff about it. Strange how dates have no significance to me. Is that because I'm not the sentimental type? Or perhaps its another coping skill where I try to be blissfully ignorant. I don't know.

I think about what has happened over the last year. A lot and yet nothing significant. It's all perspective. There is nothing else that has happened that would stand out the way losing my Mom has. Sure, relationship issues, kid issues, church issues...they are truly mundane when it comes to life...or not life.

I don't know what I'd say to her if she was here. I can't say I miss her because I don't. I can't say I want her back because I don't. There are positive memories that I can hold on to but most of them are negative. That really sucks. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one in the family who feels like this. I know my Dad has expressed relief as well but he also grieves the loss of a companion, a friend and a partner. I don't.

I grieve the Mom she wasn't and yet I see how she made changes and tried to make things better. Changes that I didn't really accept when they happened. Now that she's gone I can see those attempts and partially feel grateful. The other part is angry. Why so long? How can you just think you can step up and buy me shit and think that it is going to be better? Giving me a book on my birthday called "You're fat and it's not your fault" is not a sign of love. Forcing me into a marriage with a man I wasn't in love with was not love. Shaming me for having dogs that shed hair and refusing to come over because of it wasn't love. Judging me for too many kid-drawn pictures and great homework scores on the fridge was not love. But it was her way of showing love no matter how ass-backwards.

When I look at the ways I was hurt by her I wonder what my brothers and sister remember. I wonder if they have chosen to look past that and see the public persona that was far different than the woman she was behind closed doors. I wonder if they have looked past all the abuse and decided that it would dishonor her memory if they went there. I wonder if they honestly didn't see it or experience it like I did and I just got to be her scapegoat for a bad day, a regretted life, a lost dream.

Yes I am angry with her. Not just for the bad things but also for robbing me of the life I could have had with a Mom who was nurturing, supportive, loving, gentle, kind and committed. I wonder how it would have been different if she had not put the kibosh on my songwriting career. I wonder how it would have been had she showed up at a track, gymnastics, swim meet. I wonder how it would have been if she had given me hugs and told me I was beautiful, special, important. I wonder how it would have been if she had said once she was proud of me. How would I have been different? What path would my life had taken?

Yet I am grateful for where I live, the friends in my life, my amazing children even though she tried to get me to abort a couple of them, my puppies, my home, my talents and gifts, my tenacity, my intelligence, my experiences that have shaped me into who I am today. I like myself for the most part. The core of who I am is good regardless of some of my less savory actions. :) And I can say that is because of who she was in my life. Good or bad, she had a major influence. I making progress in the bad areas and nurturing the good areas. She taught me how to be a survivor, how to be resourceful, showed me who I can trust and who I cant, and I can take a punch like a man. Never know when that is gonna come in handy... (wink).

So Mom, this one is for you. Good or bad I can't honestly say right now. However you were here, you're gone and I hope you are happy where you are. I know how to be happy and find joy. Thanks for that.