Food for thought

There's a lot going through my head these days. Dad came back and explained himself further which was good and creepy too. I'm hoping it's because he and I think so much alike that he knew he would need to explain it further. Either that or he's reading my blog because this isn't the first time this has happened where he's addressed something I wrote about the day after me posting it. If so, Dad do not tell me you're reading this otherwise I'll end up censoring it and that defeats the purpose of this. Thanks.

So he clarified that my dependence on prescription drugs is making me dull. Not in a bad way but he talked about my personality and intelligence and how I'm not that way anymore. He's concerned about my health and wants to see me happy too. A lot of it is related to H and how I handle him. Although I'm a peacekeeper normally, I also know when things need to be confronted and I'm not doing it with h. Dad also said the bible says a woman can lead her husband to Christ through her love, care and patience.

Well there are two things. Dad is right. I'm addicted to my antidepressant. Mostly because I have had trouble with panic since my mom died and that sucks. However the thought of not having them right now scares me. I can't imagine how much anxiety I would have. It was crippling and that's why I went to the doc in the first place. But that state of mind shows that I am addicted. I feel like I need it. Like I feel like I need cigarettes. Not cool. But something I am willing to try if I'm in a better place with my faith. Right now, I'm wrestling.

Second thing is more complicated. A wife can change her husband with her actions. Huh... I have trouble with this. I think it can be true but I don't know if I personally can do that. Maybe if I got rid of the resentments but it's hard when the behaviors keep happening. Even then, I don't feel the kind of love for him that can move all obstacles. So is it my duty and responsibility to start seeing him as a child that I have to nurture, coach, lead and direct? Is it my job to hold him accountable and make him change? Is it on me to mold him into the man God and I want him to be? I don't know.

Let's say it is and I do it. Now what? Where am I? I'm in the same place of feeling like I was pushed into a marriage with a man I don't love romantically. Our life becomes tolerable and possibly even happy. But can I find the love I need to sustain a marriage for 20+ years?

K and G are celebrating 27 years this Friday. T has been married to L for 22 years. They can't imagine life without their partners and I can't imagine staying much longer than a year more. See the conflict? Is it really that I'm so messed up in the head that I am unable to have that love with anyone? Or have I just not met the right one?

When I see my future, it's without a man at all or if there is a man in the shadows waiting for me, he's by my side but we still don't live together and definitely are not married. Which is a conflict with what I wrote earlier about wanting a man to love like I see around me. I think it's my way of protecting myself emotionally.

I'm not getting any younger. Body parts are sagging, grey is starting to come in, wrinkles appearing slowly. I have stretch marks and have bore 5 kids. I don't have a job, an unable to work right now, am not secure financially and there's no 401k. I'm a risk and with each passing day the risk is greater. What do I have beside my personality to attract the opposite sex?

Ok so it isn't that bad but it could be. Nothing I said isn't true. I guess if it's love it doesn't matter and with h, he doesn't seem to mind. So do I hang in there and teach him how to love like my Dad suggested? Or do I follow a broken heart and hope for the best?

I really don't know. Thankfully it is in God's hands. I just need to get out of the way and let Him work. That's the hard part...

Weeds

My Dad has been coming over and working on the lawn. Today when I got outside he spouted off at me about how it's a mess and if he had to guess, he would say a couple of addicts live here. Yup. Seriously.

Now I'm not exactly sure how weeds correlate with addiction but he went on to talk about how both h and I need a 12 step group so we have accountability. I said I would consider it. However it's not unusual for my Dad to go off half-cocked if something is bothering him. What is bothering him, I don't know. I gave him permission to not putz on the yard but ya know, he is OCD sometimes so I just let him go. Yet I wonder what his accountability comment was about.

If it's about the yard, he's right. I haven't weeded the flower beds lately. Nor trimmed trees. In my defense h gets angry and defensive because it's "man's" work so I don't. But I don't have to let it stop me.

If he's talking metaphorically. He's absolutely right but who of us doesn't have weeds that need to be pulled? I know I do and I know I haven't been working on them like I should. A 12 step group for addiction? I don't know. Seems a little extreme considering I'm addicted to cigarettes. Maybe he's trying to tell me to quit smoking.

And yet, if I were to define the "weeds" in my life it would be easy. I just don't know what to do with them. I pull them out but they lay in a pile and re-seed themselves. Not good and I know it. Starting with resentments. I'm angry at both my mom and dad, at h, at myself, at my church, my abusers, my ex and his new wife. There is even some towards my children and definitely towards my step kids. And finally, I'm sure I am angry with God for some of the tragedies in my life I feel He could have stopped.

Underneath the anger is deep sadness, betrayal, pain, grief, hurt, loss and a deep well of tears I have yet to shed. Tears hungry for that safe place to let them go. But I have noticed I'm afraid to face them alone. I wish I trusted h with my heart. I don't. If I were to trust k, g, t or l with it then h would not only be mad at me but then as well. Maybe these days alone are when I try to go there, even if I'm alone. I don't know.

I do know that those tears and sadness are a trigger for panic and my fear of abandonment to rear its ugly head. That's why I don't want to go down that road alone. 

As a woman, I imagine there is nothing more comforting than being in the arms of your man. Where he holds you and you don't have to watch your back because he's got it. Where you don't have to fear what's in front of you because he is guarding. Where you can stop and rest and he's with you. Wholly, completely and fully.

Maybe that's what it will take. Find someone to take the weeds once I've pulled them and throw them away. Theoretically, God should be that person and He is and yet the human side of me needs a soul mate to hold on to through that journey.

Until then, I guess I'll keep leaking and pull the weeds from the top knowing they will be back and hoping God will find me worthy of the kind of love I seek from a man.

Blessing in Disguise

Been a rough couple weeks. Hurt myself. Ok maybe that is an understatement. I guess it depends on your definition of hurt. I tore my meniscus in two spots, am unable to bear much weight on my left leg and am facing knee surgery. Not to mention the cartilage is worn down to a point where I was told I will need knee replacement in the future. Stupid sports injuries from high school and a recent couple missteps to throw my whole world into chaos.

Believe it or not, I'm not all that upset about it. Those kinds of things don't really get me. I don't like being helpless and I'm not always mindful of how much I should take it easy but I'm ok. My only sadness is that I had to quit a job I loved. Recovery will take several months with physical therapy and surgery.

What has been the most difficult is how H is dealing with it. I'm a whiner. He reminds me he's hurting too because he works physically hard at work every day. Stuff like that. I called him out on how critical he's been and he left the room mad. Whatever. He might be better with me but he's still an ass to others. My daughter is living with us to help me out and I'm so grateful. I hope he doesn't scare her away with his attitude.

So what am I going to do when I'm stuck off my feet at home and not in physical therapy? Well first thing is work on my tan! :) Second, k came over today and we are going to do it more often again. I'm also going to work on chord sheets for the team but what I'm most looking forward to is time with God.

I need to get back to a place of strength with Him. I'm allowing myself to be manipulated and controlled again. I'm weak in my own flesh. I don't know how to care for myself. But He does so praying a lot and reflection and blogging. Getting to the core of issues, letting go of bitterness and resentments. Being ok with my sadness and tears. Putting fears to rest. Yay! Even though before I thought I wasn't making much progress, I realize I was moving in the right direction opposed to not having time to move at all. See, this is a blessing in disguise. Life is good!

Surrender

I've been trying to embrace death. Not something that I'm being very successful at. First of all, it's morbid. Secondly I'm unable to imagine parting from my kids and friends. I am a Christian and believe in heaven but oddly it doesn't bring me any comfort at all. Perhaps I don't believe as strongly as I thought. Although it isn't doubt in heaven, it's that I'm not ready to die.

But who is really? Unless you're suicidal or depressed to the point of wanting to die, I think all of us plan to live in one way or another. What we strive for and value vary but the plan to live is the same.

When I look at my life I don't feel like I've lived. A lot of it has to do with who I have married I think. I place such high regard on love and because I don't feel like I have fallen in love, I haven't lived. I've done my share of playing, done the majority of traveling I want to, achieved many goals and am proud of who I am for the most part...except loving myself and being loved by a man the way I want to be. That's what sticks out for me when I think of dying.

How strange to think something so simple would be such a stumbling block for me but it is. I also have such a fear of abandonment that I never want to do it to anyone nevertheless, I find myself absolutely assured those that I love will be fine without me and I know I'll be waiting for them in heaven. If I have such peace about that, how can I be afraid to fall asleep. Is it that I would be willingly inflicting pain on the loved ones? I hope not, that would be very arrogant to think I somehow have control over my death. Maybe that's it. Maybe it's that I don't have control over when. It could be tomorrow. It could be next week or next month. That thought terrorizes me. I'm not ready. I'm close but there is one big thing I need to do. I guess not need to but want desperately.

The idea that I could leave this earth without experiencing love kills me inside. Not that I have not experienced love because I love freely and willingly. I also have loving friends and children. I am blessed. Even teaching my family how to love which is no small feat. :)

Anyway, the point is that the desire to be desirable, cherished, totally committed, completely and wholly in love with a man who God choose for me is so deep it affects my subconscious. I have panic when faced with the possibility of death. Which makes me panic more because I think I'm dying then. It's a vicious cycle. All because I'm not ready and have no control.

On the flip side, I know God. He and I have been through a lot. He is my friend. And I know his plan is beyond my comprehension and understanding. I know He will figure it out and I can worry less about it. However I'm still human and I need to grieve the possibility that I may never have the fairytale love that lingers in the depths of my soul. Not sure how I'm gonna get there but I need to. I want to be free of all the oppression and find my Zen again. You know, that place where you have peace that passes all understanding because you have surrendered all parts of your life to God. Better get to surrendering...

Pleasurable Gift

The bible has me contemplating today. My verse of the day was Proverbs 18:22. It says "The one who finds a wife finds what is enjoyable, and receives a pleasurable gift from the Lord". I've been a wife 3 times and I've never been treated like a gift. I suppose because I don't think I am one...or didn't.

But now I see that I'm valuable. I work hard, love to cook and bake, enjoy taking care of my home for the most part, love God, love all those around me, am a good Mom and friend. I have a servants heart and just want to give to those around me, especially my husband and children and yet, rather than being seen as a gift I am taken advantage of. I hate it.

At first I didn't mind. It was what I wanted to do but I also honestly thought that H would give back. Sometimes he does and I have to give him credit for being a good provider and quite handy around the house. However where is the affection? Where is the care? Why can't I be spoiled once and a while? Why do I have to feel guilty for indulging in things I enjoy like drinking? Or napping? Or driving?

I've been so defeated lately. I'm not working on my grief like I should be. I still have horrible anxiety at night and find it hard to sleep. I feel myself closer to breaking down finally but can't do it around my spouse or kids. For 2 different reasons. My kids get scared when Mom isn't strong. I don't feel safe emotionally around H to let go or if I have a moment where I do, he turns it around and makes it about him. I'm exhausted treading water.

I should say more like I used to. But I shut down like he's used to me doing. I should say this isn't working and point out I gave him his 2 months and things are back to the way they used to be so he needs to walk away. I should kick him out for good and file for divorce. But I don't and I haven't. That alone is discouraging. Why is it so hard for me to hurt people? I know I should put me first but I don't know how. Mama bear seems to have gone on vacation and I miss my therapist.

Not just that but now that I'm back to being isolated but working, I miss my friends the most. H wants me to quit work and stay home again. Since I'm not, he believes I get enough socialization so we have to leave quickly and get to places late. He doesn't even see it. I subtly have tried to point it out and he gets defensive. To avoid an argument I drop the subject. I think my friends miss me too. That alone makes me sad.

Not that I have power over them, but my friends are real friends and we give and take and share with each other. I see they are also isolated from me because of this linebacker I call my husband. He hovers, I don't get my girl time and I think their mood is affected too. It's such an ugly situation that I only see one way out of and that has its own set of problems. But like I told T tonight, I believe God had a plan. What that is, I don't know but He has a little less than a year to do whatever He is going to so I'm just waiting.

I really hope someday I will be seen as a pleasurable gift. Just not sure if it will be with H or not. Perhaps I need to convince myself I am one so I accept nothing less. Now thats a thought...

Caution

Got my first pedicure today. What an experience. It was nice but very awkward for me. I can see why people do it but I have issues with sex being a reward. Not that I did anything of course but it was a man who did it and I realized that if we had been on a date or something, I would have felt obligated to have sex with him. Now that's messed up.

I can't really say why I feel that way. I suppose some of it is because I just don't feel worthy of attention without reciprocation. However, why would I not feel that paying him would be enough? Or even the tip I gave him? Why is that not enough?

The bible says I am suppose to cherish my body and treat it with respect. Knowing what I do about spiritual warfare, I know that there is a connection that you don't want to subject yourself to at random. You can pick up all sorts of "parasites". And yet, that doesn't scare me like it should. I know that in certain situations, I would not be able to have self control.

Is it nympho tendencies? I just can't say no to sex. Yet I can say no to my husband so I don't need an emotional connection. So it is sex with strangers that appeals to me? Possibly but there are people I'd just never sleep with. So I need physical attraction. I don't know.

What seems to be consistent is that I seem to think I have nothing worth offering but myself. My money, my time, my emotion, I don't consider it anything would want. But I assume a person would want sex. Ugh. I'm going to have to process that further. I don't want to go into a single life with this unresolved. Could be an ugly thing.

In fact, it's already ugly because I could easily cheat on my husband right now. Even though we are in a "trial" time, in other words separated emotionally, again in the right situation I wouldn't hesitate to cheat on him. I have so much animosity and I'm tired of needing to be on my toes constantly in order to avoid things going back to how they were. It would be so easy but I'm so close to freedom. What that freedom is, I don't know. Time will tell.

Yet I know that if I went and cheated on him or even told him I had, it would be over now. It is incredibly tempting. But I can't do it. Gotta see this through the right way. And yet, if we end up together in a year, I still need to be able to understand my vulnerability when it comes to men and sex. It's a dangerous mix regardless because one wrong move and I've not only put myself at risk but my family and possibly another marriage. No good. I'd better use caution.

Which direction?

Haven't written for a while. Hasn't been too much to write about and I've been trying to adjust to a summer schedule plus working and a house guest so I don't get much time. Not that I haven't been thinking because I have. Of course there is no resolutions yet although I'm seeing and feeling movement which is good. Just not sure which direction it's taking me.

I find myself noticing more and saying less again. I'm also not seeing my friends as much nor in therapy so my sounding boards aren't getting used. H is quickly shifting back to his old ways and even though I say less now, I still say something. For example I told him I didn't like the direction we are going and I'm not going back. His response was to tell me the changes he has noticed in me and how I can be better including quitting my job. Normally I would have kept my mouth shut. Tonight I told him to worry about what he needs to do and I'll worry about what I need to do because it won't work in the current state.

I'm increasingly aware of the June deadline. I'm so grateful for it. It's a form of accountability for me. Not just in my on again-off again marriage but individually as well. My heart is softening and I'm less afraid of my feelings. There is less shame in crying and I can feel myself closer to forgiving my mom. I'm tired of carrying it around.

Also my bff challenged me to listen to Christian radio to work every day last week. Although I didn't listen daily, I did a couple of the mornings when the silence was deafening. I have to admit the messages in the music certainly made a difference in my heart. It reminded me of the promises of the bible and what God has for me. It brought back hope. This time not in a future life without H or a soul mate but a hope in the present. That each moment, good or bad, each step I take, is in God's hands. It really doesn't matter what direction I am going because God is in the details. Now that's a hope I can hold on to. Thanks k. I love you.