Surrender

I've been trying to embrace death. Not something that I'm being very successful at. First of all, it's morbid. Secondly I'm unable to imagine parting from my kids and friends. I am a Christian and believe in heaven but oddly it doesn't bring me any comfort at all. Perhaps I don't believe as strongly as I thought. Although it isn't doubt in heaven, it's that I'm not ready to die.

But who is really? Unless you're suicidal or depressed to the point of wanting to die, I think all of us plan to live in one way or another. What we strive for and value vary but the plan to live is the same.

When I look at my life I don't feel like I've lived. A lot of it has to do with who I have married I think. I place such high regard on love and because I don't feel like I have fallen in love, I haven't lived. I've done my share of playing, done the majority of traveling I want to, achieved many goals and am proud of who I am for the most part...except loving myself and being loved by a man the way I want to be. That's what sticks out for me when I think of dying.

How strange to think something so simple would be such a stumbling block for me but it is. I also have such a fear of abandonment that I never want to do it to anyone nevertheless, I find myself absolutely assured those that I love will be fine without me and I know I'll be waiting for them in heaven. If I have such peace about that, how can I be afraid to fall asleep. Is it that I would be willingly inflicting pain on the loved ones? I hope not, that would be very arrogant to think I somehow have control over my death. Maybe that's it. Maybe it's that I don't have control over when. It could be tomorrow. It could be next week or next month. That thought terrorizes me. I'm not ready. I'm close but there is one big thing I need to do. I guess not need to but want desperately.

The idea that I could leave this earth without experiencing love kills me inside. Not that I have not experienced love because I love freely and willingly. I also have loving friends and children. I am blessed. Even teaching my family how to love which is no small feat. :)

Anyway, the point is that the desire to be desirable, cherished, totally committed, completely and wholly in love with a man who God choose for me is so deep it affects my subconscious. I have panic when faced with the possibility of death. Which makes me panic more because I think I'm dying then. It's a vicious cycle. All because I'm not ready and have no control.

On the flip side, I know God. He and I have been through a lot. He is my friend. And I know his plan is beyond my comprehension and understanding. I know He will figure it out and I can worry less about it. However I'm still human and I need to grieve the possibility that I may never have the fairytale love that lingers in the depths of my soul. Not sure how I'm gonna get there but I need to. I want to be free of all the oppression and find my Zen again. You know, that place where you have peace that passes all understanding because you have surrendered all parts of your life to God. Better get to surrendering...

Pleasurable Gift

The bible has me contemplating today. My verse of the day was Proverbs 18:22. It says "The one who finds a wife finds what is enjoyable, and receives a pleasurable gift from the Lord". I've been a wife 3 times and I've never been treated like a gift. I suppose because I don't think I am one...or didn't.

But now I see that I'm valuable. I work hard, love to cook and bake, enjoy taking care of my home for the most part, love God, love all those around me, am a good Mom and friend. I have a servants heart and just want to give to those around me, especially my husband and children and yet, rather than being seen as a gift I am taken advantage of. I hate it.

At first I didn't mind. It was what I wanted to do but I also honestly thought that H would give back. Sometimes he does and I have to give him credit for being a good provider and quite handy around the house. However where is the affection? Where is the care? Why can't I be spoiled once and a while? Why do I have to feel guilty for indulging in things I enjoy like drinking? Or napping? Or driving?

I've been so defeated lately. I'm not working on my grief like I should be. I still have horrible anxiety at night and find it hard to sleep. I feel myself closer to breaking down finally but can't do it around my spouse or kids. For 2 different reasons. My kids get scared when Mom isn't strong. I don't feel safe emotionally around H to let go or if I have a moment where I do, he turns it around and makes it about him. I'm exhausted treading water.

I should say more like I used to. But I shut down like he's used to me doing. I should say this isn't working and point out I gave him his 2 months and things are back to the way they used to be so he needs to walk away. I should kick him out for good and file for divorce. But I don't and I haven't. That alone is discouraging. Why is it so hard for me to hurt people? I know I should put me first but I don't know how. Mama bear seems to have gone on vacation and I miss my therapist.

Not just that but now that I'm back to being isolated but working, I miss my friends the most. H wants me to quit work and stay home again. Since I'm not, he believes I get enough socialization so we have to leave quickly and get to places late. He doesn't even see it. I subtly have tried to point it out and he gets defensive. To avoid an argument I drop the subject. I think my friends miss me too. That alone makes me sad.

Not that I have power over them, but my friends are real friends and we give and take and share with each other. I see they are also isolated from me because of this linebacker I call my husband. He hovers, I don't get my girl time and I think their mood is affected too. It's such an ugly situation that I only see one way out of and that has its own set of problems. But like I told T tonight, I believe God had a plan. What that is, I don't know but He has a little less than a year to do whatever He is going to so I'm just waiting.

I really hope someday I will be seen as a pleasurable gift. Just not sure if it will be with H or not. Perhaps I need to convince myself I am one so I accept nothing less. Now thats a thought...

Caution

Got my first pedicure today. What an experience. It was nice but very awkward for me. I can see why people do it but I have issues with sex being a reward. Not that I did anything of course but it was a man who did it and I realized that if we had been on a date or something, I would have felt obligated to have sex with him. Now that's messed up.

I can't really say why I feel that way. I suppose some of it is because I just don't feel worthy of attention without reciprocation. However, why would I not feel that paying him would be enough? Or even the tip I gave him? Why is that not enough?

The bible says I am suppose to cherish my body and treat it with respect. Knowing what I do about spiritual warfare, I know that there is a connection that you don't want to subject yourself to at random. You can pick up all sorts of "parasites". And yet, that doesn't scare me like it should. I know that in certain situations, I would not be able to have self control.

Is it nympho tendencies? I just can't say no to sex. Yet I can say no to my husband so I don't need an emotional connection. So it is sex with strangers that appeals to me? Possibly but there are people I'd just never sleep with. So I need physical attraction. I don't know.

What seems to be consistent is that I seem to think I have nothing worth offering but myself. My money, my time, my emotion, I don't consider it anything would want. But I assume a person would want sex. Ugh. I'm going to have to process that further. I don't want to go into a single life with this unresolved. Could be an ugly thing.

In fact, it's already ugly because I could easily cheat on my husband right now. Even though we are in a "trial" time, in other words separated emotionally, again in the right situation I wouldn't hesitate to cheat on him. I have so much animosity and I'm tired of needing to be on my toes constantly in order to avoid things going back to how they were. It would be so easy but I'm so close to freedom. What that freedom is, I don't know. Time will tell.

Yet I know that if I went and cheated on him or even told him I had, it would be over now. It is incredibly tempting. But I can't do it. Gotta see this through the right way. And yet, if we end up together in a year, I still need to be able to understand my vulnerability when it comes to men and sex. It's a dangerous mix regardless because one wrong move and I've not only put myself at risk but my family and possibly another marriage. No good. I'd better use caution.

Which direction?

Haven't written for a while. Hasn't been too much to write about and I've been trying to adjust to a summer schedule plus working and a house guest so I don't get much time. Not that I haven't been thinking because I have. Of course there is no resolutions yet although I'm seeing and feeling movement which is good. Just not sure which direction it's taking me.

I find myself noticing more and saying less again. I'm also not seeing my friends as much nor in therapy so my sounding boards aren't getting used. H is quickly shifting back to his old ways and even though I say less now, I still say something. For example I told him I didn't like the direction we are going and I'm not going back. His response was to tell me the changes he has noticed in me and how I can be better including quitting my job. Normally I would have kept my mouth shut. Tonight I told him to worry about what he needs to do and I'll worry about what I need to do because it won't work in the current state.

I'm increasingly aware of the June deadline. I'm so grateful for it. It's a form of accountability for me. Not just in my on again-off again marriage but individually as well. My heart is softening and I'm less afraid of my feelings. There is less shame in crying and I can feel myself closer to forgiving my mom. I'm tired of carrying it around.

Also my bff challenged me to listen to Christian radio to work every day last week. Although I didn't listen daily, I did a couple of the mornings when the silence was deafening. I have to admit the messages in the music certainly made a difference in my heart. It reminded me of the promises of the bible and what God has for me. It brought back hope. This time not in a future life without H or a soul mate but a hope in the present. That each moment, good or bad, each step I take, is in God's hands. It really doesn't matter what direction I am going because God is in the details. Now that's a hope I can hold on to. Thanks k. I love you.

Work

I have a friend who hfor recently separated from her boyfriend if 9 years. Shes hurt but doing fabulously. I find myself jealous of the potential she has for her future. I find myself wanting the same opportunities she has for her future.

I'm working now and loving it. Feels good to be busy, make new friends and feel productive. I forgot how much I love to work. Strange I suppose but I do. I always have and it doesnt matter what I'm doing. I just love to work.

I think its because I feel useful, needed, wanted, helpful and desired. I suppose my parents made me this way. They had high expectations of all of us kids. Unfortunately sometimes they were hard on us. And that made all of us feels like we needed to be perfect. I guess all 4 of us really have dealt with that in our own way.

We all have our own insecurities and fears. One brother became an alcoholic and still struggles to stay sober even though he is almost 40 years old. Another brother is an overachiever and tries to make himself feel better by striving for fame, power, money, prestige and reputation. Then my sister just doesn't come home and avoids the situation completely. It's too bad we can't find more productive ways to deal with our insecurities and frustrations with the way we were raised. But really who truly is able to cope with their upbringing and healthy way?

I don't think anybody. Can we say what normal is? I don't think so. At one point, the world used to I think they knew what normal was. However I think we have learned that we really don't. Thankfully in our humility, we stopped trying to strive for an ideal that doesn't exist. And yet with the freedom that brings, it also puts us in a place of uncertainty. We struggle to find ourselves in this world. We struggle to hold on to a sense of security but not knowing how to find it. Our hearts wrestle with our heads daily and we end our days exhausted by the fight. But we keep fighting.

That's another reason why I like to work. It presents me with an option to feel normal. Being a housewife is hard. There aren't many of us out there and it is a common thing for people to assume I'm not smart enough to do anything else. That bugs me. But I'm not so co-dependent that I lose sleep over it. Thank God for that! Lol!

Anyway, I'm glad to be in the real world even if I don't have all I want. I have what I need. That's good enough right?

No more fear?

H and I went to see my Dad tonight. He decided to share some past experiences with us. There were all sorts of stories but the one he stressed was me at 18 months old, running away from my parents, even climbing over a fence to get away. Dad's point was to show that deep inside me, deeper than comprehension, that if I stay in any one place, I will die.

As I ponder this, rather than wondering if it's true, I wonder how it has affected me. Dad says it's a fear of abandonment that started when I was born. Within a day of my birth, I was shipped off to my parents. I had no time for bonding with my birth mom and once I got with them, there was no ability on my Mom's part to bond and my Dad was always working. I was passed around from person to person in his little parish, never really knowing the security of having parents or even consistent relationships in my life. In turn I trust no one.

I know that part is true. I have never trusted anyone fully in my life. Not even myself. Usually people with abandonment issues rely fully on themselves. However because of my upbringing, I was made to doubt even myself. I am unable at this time to fully believe in anyone. Not even God.

What a sad, sad reality. It breaks my heart. But it explains a lot. I cannot trust marriage, I cannot trust friendship, I cannot trust common sense or researched decisions. I cannot believe a doctor, I cannot believe a lawyer. I cannot believe myself. Even if I'd had the opportunity, I would have sabotaged it. Not on purpose but unwittingly. The jagged pieces of my broken heart severing ties, making excuses, finding fault, passing judgement.

I don't want to live like this anymore. I cannot. I run from one extreme to another, lost and confused. Wanting to fit in and find my place but so distraught by the things of my past that I cannot be where I belong. It's no wonder I have been married 3 times. It's no wonder I have attended and worshipped at 6 different churches in my adult life. It's no wonder I don't even know who I am. And it's no one's fault. I can't blame my Moms. One was doing what she thought was right. The other was sick in her own ways. I am merely a product of being conceived.

Now what? Is there hope? Is there a way to get back to a place that goes beyond my existence to be healed? Is there a way God can reach beyond my comprehension, my memories, my feelings? Was I born with a broken heart? Will it ever be whole?

I don't know. But I know I have to try. I want to be whole. I want to trust. I want my marriage to work. I want a church home. I want the home I live in to be my house for the rest of my natural life. I want my friends to be in my life forever. I want to grow old and feel safe where I'm at, with whom I'm with and not want or need more. I don't want to be afraid anymore...

Summer Vacation

It's the last week of school and the kids are getting excited. They are bouncing off the walls eagerly awaiting the first day of summer so they can sleep in. Remember those days? I do. The rumbling through the halls with sparks of joy and anticipation as you barely focus on the task at hand to get through one more day of school. It was a fun time!

My little one isn't very proficient in math. It isn't that she doesn't try, it's that she just doesn't get it. Yet we live in a district where she is expected as a 6th grader to know 7th grade math. Because she passed with average scores, she is expected to take an extra math class next year to get her caught up to other kids in her grade...but those kids are already over-achieving. What she is looking forward to the most about summer is that she doesn't have to be constantly reminded that she isn't as good as her peers.

Why do we do that? Are we teaching our kids to compare themselves to other?. To try to compete and measure up instead of teaching them to do their best and try hard. Has it always been that way in the schools?

I never had trouble in school. I aced college; was on the deans list and carried an 3.7 GPA. In middle school and high school, I didn't have to try to do well and was in most of the advanced classes. And yet, somehow I still didn't measure up either. There was always a grade higher, there was always a better option, there was always...perfection. I even challenged myself to see how many things I could letter in during my high school career. I wanted to sport a covered letter jacket and I did. I lettered in academics, fine arts, track, gymnastics, swimming, diving, dance-line, cheerleading, volleyball, tennis, and softball. Never could pick up golf and I didn't like to compete in long races although I did like to run long distances but that was an escape from home. I could do that on week nights when I wasn't allowed to do anything else. Anyway...

Now as an adult I realize that perfection is not possible and yet I still struggle with not being good enough. If I understand that perfections isn't possible because I am a flawed human being, then why  should I be striving to live a life without mistakes? Why can't I accept that I don't have to look like others? Why do I feel guilty that I hold a PhD and yet do nothing with it? Why do I feel shame in staying home with my kids instead of pursuing a lofty career? I assume public perception is that I failed college, I wasn't smart enough to have a career, that having babies and being home with the kids is the only chance I had at having a normal life. Is that really how it is? Or am I making a mountain out of a mole hill?

Despite what society says, I still have my issues with being worthy. I am not worthy of love, I am not worthy of justice, I am not worthy of attention, I am not worthy of care. I must earn those things and if I don't earn them, I cannot expect or assume that anyone is going to care about me. Even as I type that I find myself shaking my head in disbelief. It is so ass-backwards. My thinking is so distorted. But is it? I look at my daughter struggling and wonder if it is all me. Perhaps it isn't. Perhaps the unspoken messages that are drifting around the world are that I must be better. That I need to make a bunch of money, that I need to drive fancy cars and wear lots of diamonds. Maybe the messages are that you are not worthy or good enough so you need to spend a lot more time and money on vacations, on stuff, on college and careers. Maybe the messages are that you must be within the government guidelines of height and weight to be healthy, happy.

Maybe those messages are wrong...and if they are. Then what? How does a person look beyond the stresses of the world and see their strengths? How does a person look in the mirror and feel worthy with all the ways they don't measure up? How does a person say to themselves, "I'm a mess" and still feel good about themselves?

The answer is God and yet even His grace is tough to accept at times. Yet if I can accept His grace and offer that same grace to myself...then life is going to always feel like a summer vacation.

I'm okay with that. :)