Swimming upstream

I told some friends Friday night what was going on in my head. Kinda wish I wouldn't have. I'm so prone to accepting false guilt and shame that it was less than helpful. I suppose some of it is because they are church friends. I don't recall the bible saying you shouldn't get divorced. I know I should take my vows seriously and I do. But it's hard to accept that knowing the reasoning behind the marriage and knowing it wasn't because of love. But church friends think I need to get in touch with reality. That my husband wants to change, can change and it's worth the fight. I don't think they understand it wasn't meant to be in the first place.

 

If it was meant to be then heck ya I'd hang in there. I would be fighting for the man I love and the life we have together. But I don't believe he can change and I don't believe that it's my responsibility to make him a better person. I can't even say he's a bad person. He's not. He always means well even though it will come out sideways at times. But he's a good man overall. So why should he change his ways for me? I just don't get that. My friends say I should hold him accountable and make him change. Why? Then he's just as unhappy as I am because he isn't being true to himself. That's not fair to either one of us.

 

Apparently I have a delusional mindset that a marriage should be built on a foundation of common ground, trust and love. Commitment is easy because you just can't imagine your life without that person. You don't have to struggle to find things to do together because you have similar interests. You can also be in the same room but completely separate from each other and it's good. You don't have to be connected at the hip either. Life is complimented by that person in your life, not hindered or restrained. It seems so simple to me and clear. Why can't anyone I know seem to understand? The one person I think would, I'm not allowed to talk to anymore. His wife is a bully too. We have the same upbringing and respond to life situations nearly identical. He's like my brother. Love him so much. But maybe not talking to him is good. Maybe he and I are both trying to swim up a stream that has a powerful current. Eventually I'm going to get tired and worn out. That's how I got into this mess in the first place. But I hope I get some fight in this.

 

Not because I want to be defiant or to hurt anyone but because I know I can't do this much longer. But now I feel like I have to because friends have told me they disagree with it, that I'm moving too fast, that I shouldn't be making major life decisions in the midst of grief. On the other hand, my therapist says it sounds like I am thinking clearly, I can't expect my husband to change, that grief is not like being in recovery for addictions where professionals encourage newly sober or clean people to wait a year to relearn life without the substance. Naturally those are the things I want to hear. They work better with my agenda. Even so, I cannot turn my back on what trusted friends have shared with me.

 

Sad thing is, I don't believe they would tell my bro-guy friend mentioned earlier the same that they told me. They would support him and be amazing. I think part of why they aren't that way with me is because they need my husband. We play in a band together and he's the lead singer. The band would not be the same without him. So I question the motives. I'm not convinced it's for my best interest. I think it's for the interest of the church we play at and their desire to keep things as they are. I get that and don't blame them. We are very good. However I'd like to think we could be able to still play in a band together. But I've always been one that could be around ex's and it's been fine. Awkward initially but back to friends in no time. There's no reason to be angry when it just doesn't work out. You tried, it didn't work. No blame, it just is what it is. But I guess I don't have a grasp on reality (sarcasm).

 

So here I am. Once again going against what everyone around me tells me I should do. My track record is such that the best decisions I've made have also been the ones where I've followed my heart and not took the advice of those around me. Perhaps I choose bad friends. Could be because I like broken people, but I don't think that's it at all. Broken doesn't equal bad. I think I have to trust myself enough to move forward. Even if I do, now I will wait so I can show my friends I tried. Sucks really because if they were there 6 years ago when we were in marriage counseling or when he left us for 6 months and things like that, they may have different opinions. I just don't feel like arguing the point nor dragging my husband through any more mud than I have to. He's not proud of his actions and I know what it feels like to be ashamed and guilty. It's not a good place to be and he doesn't need that anymore than anyone of us. Regardless. But that's how I roll. I wouldn't wish this curse on anyone, not even an enemy. Bizarre... You would think I'd be more angry. Maybe I should be. I really don't know.

 

But for now, I'll just keep swimming. Rest when I can, start planning for a future alone and securing myself financially and emotionally. It's about all I can do.

 

Really? It's almost 3 a.m.

I can't sleep. So much runs through my head at night. Most of it is grief related. My Mom passed away last May. Almost a year now. Since then my world has been upside down. Sadly it isn't because she and I were close. We weren't. Quite the opposite, I have some deep seeded resentments towards her. If you haven't gathered from my previous posts, she wasn't exactly a nice woman. Well that's not necessarily true either. She was great in public. Not much of a Mom unless you consider physically abusing and neglecting your kids being a good mom. But you don't. The majority of people know it's wrong. I don't think she did. I think she thought it was totally ok as it was happening. Then I got old enough to fight back and I fought back. Of course, then she found ways to control me with her shame and guilt trips. She may be gone but to this day, I still live by her insane rules that are trapped in my head. I don't trust myself. I don't believe I'm worth much. I believe I am the source of most everybody's problems around me and I believe I am very sick of it.

 

Since she's died, I've been scrambling. I don't know what in my life is real. I'm not sure who I am. I want nothing to do with anything she was involved in. Especially not my marriage. Sucks really. This was doomed from the start. I knew it but I've spent my whole life doing what she wanted, I figured this was just another thing I had to do. I couldn't trust my own judgement. But that's the problem. I can. Or at least I think I can. My kids have turned out amazingly. So if I can be trusted with the lives of children, you would think I could trust my capability to make responsible decisions.

 

Yet I look back at the poor choices I've made under the duress of my childhood and see how foolish I've been. My therapist says I shouldn't hold myself accountable for all of those actions because I was doing what I knew to do. I was trying to cope and trying to find a way to make my life manageable. I never found manageability until I stopped fighting, accepted the shame and guilt and did what I was told. Once again, put my head down, keep my mouth shut and do what I think I'm suppose to do. It's more peaceful that way and since I'm a master at sacrificing myself, why not? But she's gone. And I'm left trying to sort out the pieces and realizing that she picked another controlling person to be my husband. I wonder if it was on purpose. I'm guessing it was. She did tell me that she wanted me to be with someone that could keep me in line....

 

Keep me in line. Am I really that horrible? Am I really that impulsive and unpredictable? Am I really that stupid? Am I really not trust-worthy? Sad that I question those things. If my kids thought I thought that way about them I would be heart broken. I know that it's been hard sometimes but I raised my girls to question, to stand up for what is right, to be thankful, to earn what you get, to fight for themselves and say what they want and need. It's a challenge at times because they practice on me and as maddening as it can be, I am so proud of them. I don't think I've ever made my Mom proud. If I did, she certianly didn't let me know. Yet there are moments with my kids that I'm giggling and smiling because I am so proud of them. Took them a little bit to understand it. But they get it now and it is good.

 

Despite the mud I'm trudging through right now, they are my saving grace. Even if I decide to stay where I am and not get healthy emotionally, I know the way I've raised them has broken the circle of abuse. Their children will have different lives than the one that my Mom and Dad had and the way I had. And for that I give praise to God because it could have continued. I didn't have to be aware. I didn't have to know that it was wrong but I did. Even as a little child I knew that wasn't the way you treated people. I could have been a bully. I could have been narcissistic. But I am not and somehow God made sure in my heart that I would always question the treatment I received. It's phenomenal really. A miracle of sorts. Something that has caused me a great deal of emotional and mental pain but one that I believe will also save me from an unfulfilling life. I guess time will tell...

 

Simplify

It snowed last night. Although I'm not happy about snow in April it was a good learning experience for me. He is home today after hurting his foot at work. I thought I'd get to use the snow blower. Nope, that's for him. He's fine. Doesn't need help. Okay.... so I grab the shovel and start doing the front and back porches and uncovering the car we needed to get out to drive the kids to school. Yet that was somehow a personal attack on his manhood. He was pissed to say the leave and commanded me to go inside. I complied as usual but not without say f you under my breath. Normally I wouldn't be passive aggressive but being shoved in the snow at 8 am doesn't sound like a nice way for me to start my day. So it eked out. Not proud of it but it is what it is.

Last night he was a sweetheart. Rubbing the kink out of my back, was supportive, gentle, loving. A man that I could easily learn to love romantically. He was even snuggly in his sleep. It was nice. I wish it could be like that all the time. But it cant. And I can't spend the second half of my life wondering when he's going to go off. I already did that the first half with my Mom. Enough is enough.

So now I realize that I'm going to need a car that is in excellent condition because I can't do the repairs. He can, but doesn't usually. If he's not around, I'll need something I can trust to get the kids and myself around town. I'm going to need a snow blower and lawn mower that is user friendly. Something the girls and myself can use easily. Right now I think you have to cross wires with the choke in or something like that. I don't know. I do know that I don't need that headache. If he takes all his tools with, I'm going to need a tool box with the basics: wrench, standard and Phillips screwdriver, hammer, nails, etc. And a power drill. But that's more because I have a lot of finishing work to do on my house. It was built in 1900 and it was not very well maintained. It was a foreclosure property that once again he promised he would fix up. 4 years later, it's still in shambles. At least I have a kitchen which is more than was there when we moved in. Guess I'll need some sort of saw. I like circulars. And a level. Hmm...I'm sure more of those little things will come up.



 
 
I also have resources for support. I have 3 amazing man friends and 2 of them have great wives and I know they would help as much as they could. My Dad will help too but I'm not sure if I want to further muddy those waters. Then again, that relationship is not the priority right now. I suppose I can reach out at church and ask for help. Or maybe the neighbors. One neighbor I wouldn't bother but another neighbor, they seem like really good people. I suppose I would need to consider going and getting county/state assistance for food and other things. I'm sure I could eventually make it all work but in the meantime I would need health coverage and probably a little to pay the bills with. Back to poor credit though. I'd have to let a lot of things go like our cell phones and go with a pay as you go and not cover the kids anymore. That would be okay but then we owe our cell phone company termination fees and such. What a farce that gimmick is, but I'm not going to get into that today.


It all sounds like a lot of complicated mess and yet, I'm so fine with it. It doesn't scare me at all. I'm not afraid to ask for help. I feel guilty doing it but I'm humble enough to know my limitations. I'll deal with the guilt if things are safe and sound for the kids. Emotionally, I'm going to have to find a friend I can touch base with more often than I do now. I'm a hyper texter. Maybe hyper isn't the appropriate word. I just love texting. I do it all the time and have a lot of people I can text with. That is always a good source. My other friends would tolerate me dropping in from time to time. They might even like it. (ha!) Emotional support I definitely would need to stay in therapy but I was planning that anyway. I'm not even going to consider any kind of relationship until I've got 90% of my junk resolved. I'm a mess. Well, I'd date a married man or something. Wow. I clearly don't have respect for the institution of marriage. Interesting. But I would. It would be safe. Have the physical attention I need without all the emotional complications. Sounds nice. Too much risk in dating a single man in his 40's or 50's. Given the age bracket, most are going to want to settle down and are looking for that lifetime companion. That's not me. Eventually I might be, but not now. I'm in no hurry to complicate my life again. Its time to simplify and find the freedom I have been hoping for. Wow, I'm going to be a force to reckon with. Not in a bad way but I am not going to want to compromise for a while with anyone.

Okay...that's not totally true. I am not a mean or selfish person. There will always be room for compromise. However I will be testing those in my life to see who is willing to adjust to the new me or who has just been taking advantage of me. Simply put, it's time to simplify.

Some Kind of Life

Just got back from therapy. I love my therapist. He's amazing. It's about time I found one that's "real". Not that others aren't real but I'm a no-nonsense kind of person. I just want to jump right in and he's been good with that. I SO appreciate that. Not to mention that I have some education in Psychology so to talk to someone that has experience and is intelligent is huge for me.

Anyway, as I've been kicking around the possibilities of divorce I've really struggled. I know what makes me happy and yet I continue to sacrifice and give up who I am to keep the peace. I am so F-ing tired of keeping the peace. Not that I want to pick up a gun and go to the post office but I want a voice. I want to matter. I want my heart to be known and my choices to reflect who I am. Not who I am with. I know that I am smart, pretty, funny, charismatic, kind, loving, nurturing, giving, gifted, intelligent and good. Yet, none of those things seem to matter when I am making decisions that involve other people in my life. I figure I have sacrificed myself this long, why complicate my life with changing that now.

However I feel as it that change would be simplifying my life. I am a simple person. I want very little and can handle life with less. I've instilled that in my kids as well and they are totally fine when the power goes out and we have to live without electronics and appliances. Last summer, our power was out for 3 days. Outside of my husband pissing and moaning constantly, it was the best days of that season. My girls and I would play Uno and other games outside on the deck until the sun went down. We had bonfires and the laughter...oh my goodness!!! Let me tell you, my kids are so funny together. One is witty and a smart-ass, the other a drama queen and the other is what I like to call a "bomber". She's quiet most the time but when she throws out something in the mix, you are on the floor laughing. Another one is random and takes the conversation to new and strange places. It is a fabulous time! Anyway we know that all we really need is each other which is a huge deal as I am processing how divorced life might go.

I don't work right now so I'd have to find an entry level job somewhere with flexible hours that will allow me to work when the kids are at school. That's ideal. Yet the oldest at home is 18 and the youngest is 12 so I could honestly work anytime. They can handle cooking and homework and errands and such. The 15 year old has her permit and can also help with driving if need be. The 19 year old only lives about 5 miles away and she and her boyfriend could easily help if I end up needing to work in the afternoons and evenings. I've also considered overnights somewhere as I can sleep during the day, be home for dinner and then go to work while they are sleeping. Some days that sounds like the best option but that's not really an option if I hope to have some kind of life when I'm not working...some kind of life...wonder what that means.

I love the idea of casual dating. Cringe at the idea of marriage. Not that I'm a slut and want to sleep around or anything. Just love people and tend to get along better with men. That's because my Mom and I didn't really see eye-to-eye (yes I'm minimizing the relationship dynamics). But I like meeting new people. Problem arises back in the first blog where everyone falls in love with me; man or woman. Hmm...I could even explore bi-sexuality if I wanted. Lol, I don't really want to but I could. That's kinda cool. Anyway, I would want to casually date. Have friends to hang out with. I wonder if the friends we have now would need to pick sides. I would hope not. But they might. I don't really want to lose the friends I have because I don't have many. I know a lot of people but not many are my friends. It's just safer that way. I can't fail to measure up to expectations if I don't have a lot of friends.

This life on my own would be lonely. I would miss having an adult in the house with me. But that can be solved with a roommate if I needed the extra money. I like the idea of sleeping in my bed all by myself!!! Wohoo! No more blaming for his bad nights sleep. I don't have to sleep with one eye open to make sure I don't hog the bed or take the covers or whatever insane complaint he has. I'd have to have a firmer hand with the dogs or they will run me over. But that's okay. If I can handle taking 21 high school boys and girls on a road trip for 10 days then the dogs are nothing to worry about.

Sex. Hmm...Not real sure about this one. I don't masturbate. Makes me feel guilty (yes more upbringing crap). And I would need a release here and there. Guess I'd need to get on birth control and find me a FWB. Lol! I really don't want a committed relationship. That might mean I give up sex. That wouldn't be my first choice but one I'm willing to make. That's going to have to be another wondering topic...people that would willingly give up sex...but I digress.

Okay, so I covered finances, dating, sex. How would I feel? Ugh. I hate this question. I have a friend who will ask me "Are you okay?". I cannot tell you how agitated I get with that question. He means it well but I feel like it is a personal attack. As if somehow I'm not okay. Did I give him the idea I wasn't okay? Am I being so transparent that you can see that I'm really not? Because I'm not okay. I grieve the idea of failing at another marriage. Even though it was an arranged marriage of sorts, it still feels like a failure and a disappointment. I feel like I would be creating trust issues for my kids and men. I feel like I'd be handing myself a life-sentence of solitary. And even though I'm an introvert, the idea of being alone my whole life does not make me happy. I feel guilty for stringing him along for 7 years when I knew from the beginning I shouldn't have been married in the first place. I get angry that I have wasted more of my life doing what someone else told me to. I resent being in this position where I look like the bad guy because I'm the only one who has a problem with this.

And yet, my 18 year old has come up to me and said, "Mom, I know you're not happy. Don't stop fighting for what you know is right". Wow, out of the mouths of babes. If I knew that my kids would be okay, I'd file for divorce today. But I don't really want to talk to them about it because I don't know if it's going to happen. I might just make another decision to continue to focus on what I have to do instead of what I want to do. Then I create fear in them that I didn't need to. However he's not any of their biological dads so it isn't like we would need to do custody and stuff. I'm sure I'd have to get used to seeing him here and there because they do love him and I believe they would still want to spend time with him on occasion. Then again, they may not. The extent of his damage may go further than I realize. I hope not but the likelihood of it is pretty good. I've chosen to turn a blind eye to a lot. Its the only way I've been able to make it this far. But I can't handle the dishonesty of all of that. Let me tell you, ignorance is bliss. There's another blog for another day.

Maintenance on the house and cars and other things, I'm not really concerned with. I have great friends and my Dad will help too. Quite frankly, I like to fix and repair stuff. I like the idea of putting up my own trim or fixing windows, painting, staining, refinishing floors. It would be mine and my way. That's an incredible relief for me. No more worrying about what he might want. I can have petal pink in my kitchen and it would be okay!

After all of this, I wonder though if my generally positive outlook is burning me. Countless times I have found myself in over my head because I was too optimistic. Had I looked more closely, I could have predicted the outcome of many of those situations. I guess I had better ponder more on this and make sure I am fully aware and understand what may happen.

Gotta go, the dogs are barking. There's someone at the door.

Until next time...

What Happened?

Today I'm wondering what happened. I know what happened because I was there but what happened? It wasn't suppose to be like this. I had dreams, hopes, goals for my life. Now I'm in the middle of my life wondering where it all went. At what point in my life did I give up on myself? Kinda bleak but not meant in a depressed way and no, I'm not suicidal.

I look at where I am and where I thought I'd be and see that I have sacrificed yet again. I wanted a happy home. A husband that adores me. Brings me flowers. A man that loves God, loves music, loves children, wants to serve. A man that is as laid back but as convicted as I am. A man that finds solace in nature. A man who is affectionate, drinks regularly, doesn't mind that I smoke, likes to cook and eat, isn't super picky about how neat the house is, can fix stuff and has the same fiscal mind. Someone with a sense of humor that doesn't mind that I'm a dork and one that cherish's my heart for the people around me and encourages me to keep on loving them. Someone who is secure but mostly, I want someone that see's the real me and loves me anyway. 

You know, see the places that are hidden. See's behind the fake smile, the psycho-babble that disables and disarms the average "Joe". See's the abyss of my heart and doesn't fear the darkness but wants to go explore it and find what makes me tick. That wants to find out the secrets that are locked inside and wants to hear "the good, the bad and the ugly". I have a dark side. As deeply as I care, I am as deep in darkness. Anger, fear, resentment, bitterness, rage, injustice, selfishness, are just a few. I want to think that a man can see that stuff as well and still accept me. But I am losing hope that that person is out there.

I believe it is possible. However not with who I am currently with. I'd like to think so but he lacks the ability to see beyond himself and what he needs or wants. That's not a criticism. I rather like that he can force people around him to say, do and feel what he wants. Its a trait I don't have. But it sucks to be married to when your ideas don't click. Especially when I end up apologizing for things that aren't mine to apologize for. It's sad really...that I can feel responsible for his issues and end up being the one to make amends and try to resolve the situation. I will often say, "I've pissed you off, what else is new?". And that's the truth. I never fail to disappoint, to upset, to trip-up and cause friction with him. I spend every day worrying about whether or not the house is clean enough, I've been busy enough, if he's going to approve of what I cook for dinner or the set I pick for our team to play...I just noticed I live in fear...again.

WTF! It wasn't supposed to be like this...so what happened?

The Capacity of a Human Heart?

Do you ever wonder how things would be different if you were in love? I often think about what would be different. Would the sun seem brighter? Would the birds sing sweeter? Would I be excited to get out of bed or get home from the day? Is making love different than having sex? What would change? What wouldn't? Is it all just some kind of hype that Hollywood made up to sell movies or is it really as great as in my head?

 

I've had a lot of people fall in love with me. Not to sound arrogant. It's not meant that way at all. Thinking about that makes me wonder what it is about who I am that makes me seem so appealing to people and concerning to their spouses. I suppose some of those thoughts are because I have been trying to wrap my head around a friends wife accusing him and me of having an affair. But she's not the first wife that's happened with. However husbands have been jealous of friendships that I've had with their wives as well. What do I do, right or wrong, that makes me so threatening? And why do people assume that it's sexual instead of loving?

 

I know how I try to live and how I want to be. I start my day asking God to use me in whatever way he sees fit. I am so blessed to be able to go wherever and whenever I want. My husband makes that possible and I'm grateful. Then I follow my heart through the day. I text, call, email those that are on my heart. I visit the elderly, hang with my dad, or just stay home and pray as I'm putzing on the house. I sincerely ask how the cashier at the gas station is and remember the next time I come in to ask how that particular situation is going because it matters to me...and to them. All I want to do is be sure people know they are loved. Love wins. Period.

 

I try to be guarded yet transparent. Only those who really look see me. The rest see the outside. I wonder what  those that really see me think. I wonder if they know how fickle my heart is. If they can see the secrets that I hide deep within. I wonder if they know how perverse my thoughts can be or how sacrificial my heart is. I wonder if they see the passion, the fear, the confusion. It scares me and yet there is a longing to be known on that level. God knows me there and loves me. Does anyone else and would they love me if they did?

 

I used to think there's no way a human can love like God. A human can be that accepting, loving, gentle, compassionate, sensitive, kind, genuine, sincere and forgiving as God. Yet if the love of Christ is in our hearts and we've been born again, then why not?

I've played it safe my whole life but time after time in the bible we are told of the most influential Christians and how they didn't play it safe. In fact, Jonah was swallowed by the whale because he tried to play it safe. Lol! Now that's my kind of God who knows how to wake you up. I wonder if my wake up calls could be so intense. It would certainly take the guess work out of serving. Then I'd know for sure if I'm doing the right things.

 

Since that's not the way God chooses to deal with me, I guess I will keep wondering about love. My husband says he's in love with me. However choking, pushing, threatening, shaming etc is not love. He wants to change. I've heard it before and I don't trust it. Being an abused child and 2 other abusive marriages, I just don't feel like I have the capacity to forgive much less trust him. How can we have a marriage if I don't trust? Why live a life harboring resentment? But that's my choice. Leave and heal, stop with relationships and definitely no more marriages or face my fear, choose to forgive, and hope for the best. Both are risks and I'm conflicted. Is my heart prepared for the let down the next time he hurts me? Am I willing to lose the second half of my life trying to fix something that shouldn't have happened in the first place?

 

He tells me he is scared to lose me... Only after I tell him I've had enough. He tells me he's sorry... Only after our friends see the bruises and hear the lame cover story. Don't get me wrong, 90% of the time he's a really great guy but my kids are afraid to be alone with him. They hide when he's in a bad mood. Not that he's ever laid a hand on them but he hadn't exactly been kind either. His words are sharp and his attitude even more hurtful. They tell me they feel like they are in the way and that they think he resents their existence because he's so jealous of my time. Good or bad, I put my kids first.

But I digress. What I'm really wondering about is love. Is the kind of love I hope for in my heart real from anyone besides God? If it is then why am I wasting my time? And on the other hand, if I truly have Christs love, then shouldn't I continue where I am and forgive 70 x 7 like the bible says and just hope and pray someday I will fall in love with my husband and be loved the way I feel like I should be? Like I deserve to be?

 

A friend is in a similar position. He's been with his wife since they got pregnant with their oldest. Over 20 years now. He's miserable and she's perfectly content making him that way. He believes and hopes in the same love that I do. He also questions like I do. And yet, neither one of us can come up with a solution. We know our options but can't bring ourselves to go there. Our kids are old enough to understand, cope and practically out of the house. Because of that, they are also able to see what we sacrifice to remain a nuclear family. What kind of example is that? Are we showing our kids how to love unconditionally or are we showing them how to be gluttons for punishment, accepting blame and resposibility for the actions of our spouses who are sometimes quite unhealthy? Which brings me back to the original question. Does the human heart have the capacity to love like Christ did and does?

 

I choose to believe it does. Whether or not my spouse has that capacity, I don't know. But if a human heart can love like Christ, then what's next for me?