Some Kind of Life

Just got back from therapy. I love my therapist. He's amazing. It's about time I found one that's "real". Not that others aren't real but I'm a no-nonsense kind of person. I just want to jump right in and he's been good with that. I SO appreciate that. Not to mention that I have some education in Psychology so to talk to someone that has experience and is intelligent is huge for me.

Anyway, as I've been kicking around the possibilities of divorce I've really struggled. I know what makes me happy and yet I continue to sacrifice and give up who I am to keep the peace. I am so F-ing tired of keeping the peace. Not that I want to pick up a gun and go to the post office but I want a voice. I want to matter. I want my heart to be known and my choices to reflect who I am. Not who I am with. I know that I am smart, pretty, funny, charismatic, kind, loving, nurturing, giving, gifted, intelligent and good. Yet, none of those things seem to matter when I am making decisions that involve other people in my life. I figure I have sacrificed myself this long, why complicate my life with changing that now.

However I feel as it that change would be simplifying my life. I am a simple person. I want very little and can handle life with less. I've instilled that in my kids as well and they are totally fine when the power goes out and we have to live without electronics and appliances. Last summer, our power was out for 3 days. Outside of my husband pissing and moaning constantly, it was the best days of that season. My girls and I would play Uno and other games outside on the deck until the sun went down. We had bonfires and the laughter...oh my goodness!!! Let me tell you, my kids are so funny together. One is witty and a smart-ass, the other a drama queen and the other is what I like to call a "bomber". She's quiet most the time but when she throws out something in the mix, you are on the floor laughing. Another one is random and takes the conversation to new and strange places. It is a fabulous time! Anyway we know that all we really need is each other which is a huge deal as I am processing how divorced life might go.

I don't work right now so I'd have to find an entry level job somewhere with flexible hours that will allow me to work when the kids are at school. That's ideal. Yet the oldest at home is 18 and the youngest is 12 so I could honestly work anytime. They can handle cooking and homework and errands and such. The 15 year old has her permit and can also help with driving if need be. The 19 year old only lives about 5 miles away and she and her boyfriend could easily help if I end up needing to work in the afternoons and evenings. I've also considered overnights somewhere as I can sleep during the day, be home for dinner and then go to work while they are sleeping. Some days that sounds like the best option but that's not really an option if I hope to have some kind of life when I'm not working...some kind of life...wonder what that means.

I love the idea of casual dating. Cringe at the idea of marriage. Not that I'm a slut and want to sleep around or anything. Just love people and tend to get along better with men. That's because my Mom and I didn't really see eye-to-eye (yes I'm minimizing the relationship dynamics). But I like meeting new people. Problem arises back in the first blog where everyone falls in love with me; man or woman. Hmm...I could even explore bi-sexuality if I wanted. Lol, I don't really want to but I could. That's kinda cool. Anyway, I would want to casually date. Have friends to hang out with. I wonder if the friends we have now would need to pick sides. I would hope not. But they might. I don't really want to lose the friends I have because I don't have many. I know a lot of people but not many are my friends. It's just safer that way. I can't fail to measure up to expectations if I don't have a lot of friends.

This life on my own would be lonely. I would miss having an adult in the house with me. But that can be solved with a roommate if I needed the extra money. I like the idea of sleeping in my bed all by myself!!! Wohoo! No more blaming for his bad nights sleep. I don't have to sleep with one eye open to make sure I don't hog the bed or take the covers or whatever insane complaint he has. I'd have to have a firmer hand with the dogs or they will run me over. But that's okay. If I can handle taking 21 high school boys and girls on a road trip for 10 days then the dogs are nothing to worry about.

Sex. Hmm...Not real sure about this one. I don't masturbate. Makes me feel guilty (yes more upbringing crap). And I would need a release here and there. Guess I'd need to get on birth control and find me a FWB. Lol! I really don't want a committed relationship. That might mean I give up sex. That wouldn't be my first choice but one I'm willing to make. That's going to have to be another wondering topic...people that would willingly give up sex...but I digress.

Okay, so I covered finances, dating, sex. How would I feel? Ugh. I hate this question. I have a friend who will ask me "Are you okay?". I cannot tell you how agitated I get with that question. He means it well but I feel like it is a personal attack. As if somehow I'm not okay. Did I give him the idea I wasn't okay? Am I being so transparent that you can see that I'm really not? Because I'm not okay. I grieve the idea of failing at another marriage. Even though it was an arranged marriage of sorts, it still feels like a failure and a disappointment. I feel like I would be creating trust issues for my kids and men. I feel like I'd be handing myself a life-sentence of solitary. And even though I'm an introvert, the idea of being alone my whole life does not make me happy. I feel guilty for stringing him along for 7 years when I knew from the beginning I shouldn't have been married in the first place. I get angry that I have wasted more of my life doing what someone else told me to. I resent being in this position where I look like the bad guy because I'm the only one who has a problem with this.

And yet, my 18 year old has come up to me and said, "Mom, I know you're not happy. Don't stop fighting for what you know is right". Wow, out of the mouths of babes. If I knew that my kids would be okay, I'd file for divorce today. But I don't really want to talk to them about it because I don't know if it's going to happen. I might just make another decision to continue to focus on what I have to do instead of what I want to do. Then I create fear in them that I didn't need to. However he's not any of their biological dads so it isn't like we would need to do custody and stuff. I'm sure I'd have to get used to seeing him here and there because they do love him and I believe they would still want to spend time with him on occasion. Then again, they may not. The extent of his damage may go further than I realize. I hope not but the likelihood of it is pretty good. I've chosen to turn a blind eye to a lot. Its the only way I've been able to make it this far. But I can't handle the dishonesty of all of that. Let me tell you, ignorance is bliss. There's another blog for another day.

Maintenance on the house and cars and other things, I'm not really concerned with. I have great friends and my Dad will help too. Quite frankly, I like to fix and repair stuff. I like the idea of putting up my own trim or fixing windows, painting, staining, refinishing floors. It would be mine and my way. That's an incredible relief for me. No more worrying about what he might want. I can have petal pink in my kitchen and it would be okay!

After all of this, I wonder though if my generally positive outlook is burning me. Countless times I have found myself in over my head because I was too optimistic. Had I looked more closely, I could have predicted the outcome of many of those situations. I guess I had better ponder more on this and make sure I am fully aware and understand what may happen.

Gotta go, the dogs are barking. There's someone at the door.

Until next time...

What Happened?

Today I'm wondering what happened. I know what happened because I was there but what happened? It wasn't suppose to be like this. I had dreams, hopes, goals for my life. Now I'm in the middle of my life wondering where it all went. At what point in my life did I give up on myself? Kinda bleak but not meant in a depressed way and no, I'm not suicidal.

I look at where I am and where I thought I'd be and see that I have sacrificed yet again. I wanted a happy home. A husband that adores me. Brings me flowers. A man that loves God, loves music, loves children, wants to serve. A man that is as laid back but as convicted as I am. A man that finds solace in nature. A man who is affectionate, drinks regularly, doesn't mind that I smoke, likes to cook and eat, isn't super picky about how neat the house is, can fix stuff and has the same fiscal mind. Someone with a sense of humor that doesn't mind that I'm a dork and one that cherish's my heart for the people around me and encourages me to keep on loving them. Someone who is secure but mostly, I want someone that see's the real me and loves me anyway. 

You know, see the places that are hidden. See's behind the fake smile, the psycho-babble that disables and disarms the average "Joe". See's the abyss of my heart and doesn't fear the darkness but wants to go explore it and find what makes me tick. That wants to find out the secrets that are locked inside and wants to hear "the good, the bad and the ugly". I have a dark side. As deeply as I care, I am as deep in darkness. Anger, fear, resentment, bitterness, rage, injustice, selfishness, are just a few. I want to think that a man can see that stuff as well and still accept me. But I am losing hope that that person is out there.

I believe it is possible. However not with who I am currently with. I'd like to think so but he lacks the ability to see beyond himself and what he needs or wants. That's not a criticism. I rather like that he can force people around him to say, do and feel what he wants. Its a trait I don't have. But it sucks to be married to when your ideas don't click. Especially when I end up apologizing for things that aren't mine to apologize for. It's sad really...that I can feel responsible for his issues and end up being the one to make amends and try to resolve the situation. I will often say, "I've pissed you off, what else is new?". And that's the truth. I never fail to disappoint, to upset, to trip-up and cause friction with him. I spend every day worrying about whether or not the house is clean enough, I've been busy enough, if he's going to approve of what I cook for dinner or the set I pick for our team to play...I just noticed I live in fear...again.

WTF! It wasn't supposed to be like this...so what happened?

The Capacity of a Human Heart?

Do you ever wonder how things would be different if you were in love? I often think about what would be different. Would the sun seem brighter? Would the birds sing sweeter? Would I be excited to get out of bed or get home from the day? Is making love different than having sex? What would change? What wouldn't? Is it all just some kind of hype that Hollywood made up to sell movies or is it really as great as in my head?

 

I've had a lot of people fall in love with me. Not to sound arrogant. It's not meant that way at all. Thinking about that makes me wonder what it is about who I am that makes me seem so appealing to people and concerning to their spouses. I suppose some of those thoughts are because I have been trying to wrap my head around a friends wife accusing him and me of having an affair. But she's not the first wife that's happened with. However husbands have been jealous of friendships that I've had with their wives as well. What do I do, right or wrong, that makes me so threatening? And why do people assume that it's sexual instead of loving?

 

I know how I try to live and how I want to be. I start my day asking God to use me in whatever way he sees fit. I am so blessed to be able to go wherever and whenever I want. My husband makes that possible and I'm grateful. Then I follow my heart through the day. I text, call, email those that are on my heart. I visit the elderly, hang with my dad, or just stay home and pray as I'm putzing on the house. I sincerely ask how the cashier at the gas station is and remember the next time I come in to ask how that particular situation is going because it matters to me...and to them. All I want to do is be sure people know they are loved. Love wins. Period.

 

I try to be guarded yet transparent. Only those who really look see me. The rest see the outside. I wonder what  those that really see me think. I wonder if they know how fickle my heart is. If they can see the secrets that I hide deep within. I wonder if they know how perverse my thoughts can be or how sacrificial my heart is. I wonder if they see the passion, the fear, the confusion. It scares me and yet there is a longing to be known on that level. God knows me there and loves me. Does anyone else and would they love me if they did?

 

I used to think there's no way a human can love like God. A human can be that accepting, loving, gentle, compassionate, sensitive, kind, genuine, sincere and forgiving as God. Yet if the love of Christ is in our hearts and we've been born again, then why not?

I've played it safe my whole life but time after time in the bible we are told of the most influential Christians and how they didn't play it safe. In fact, Jonah was swallowed by the whale because he tried to play it safe. Lol! Now that's my kind of God who knows how to wake you up. I wonder if my wake up calls could be so intense. It would certainly take the guess work out of serving. Then I'd know for sure if I'm doing the right things.

 

Since that's not the way God chooses to deal with me, I guess I will keep wondering about love. My husband says he's in love with me. However choking, pushing, threatening, shaming etc is not love. He wants to change. I've heard it before and I don't trust it. Being an abused child and 2 other abusive marriages, I just don't feel like I have the capacity to forgive much less trust him. How can we have a marriage if I don't trust? Why live a life harboring resentment? But that's my choice. Leave and heal, stop with relationships and definitely no more marriages or face my fear, choose to forgive, and hope for the best. Both are risks and I'm conflicted. Is my heart prepared for the let down the next time he hurts me? Am I willing to lose the second half of my life trying to fix something that shouldn't have happened in the first place?

 

He tells me he is scared to lose me... Only after I tell him I've had enough. He tells me he's sorry... Only after our friends see the bruises and hear the lame cover story. Don't get me wrong, 90% of the time he's a really great guy but my kids are afraid to be alone with him. They hide when he's in a bad mood. Not that he's ever laid a hand on them but he hadn't exactly been kind either. His words are sharp and his attitude even more hurtful. They tell me they feel like they are in the way and that they think he resents their existence because he's so jealous of my time. Good or bad, I put my kids first.

But I digress. What I'm really wondering about is love. Is the kind of love I hope for in my heart real from anyone besides God? If it is then why am I wasting my time? And on the other hand, if I truly have Christs love, then shouldn't I continue where I am and forgive 70 x 7 like the bible says and just hope and pray someday I will fall in love with my husband and be loved the way I feel like I should be? Like I deserve to be?

 

A friend is in a similar position. He's been with his wife since they got pregnant with their oldest. Over 20 years now. He's miserable and she's perfectly content making him that way. He believes and hopes in the same love that I do. He also questions like I do. And yet, neither one of us can come up with a solution. We know our options but can't bring ourselves to go there. Our kids are old enough to understand, cope and practically out of the house. Because of that, they are also able to see what we sacrifice to remain a nuclear family. What kind of example is that? Are we showing our kids how to love unconditionally or are we showing them how to be gluttons for punishment, accepting blame and resposibility for the actions of our spouses who are sometimes quite unhealthy? Which brings me back to the original question. Does the human heart have the capacity to love like Christ did and does?

 

I choose to believe it does. Whether or not my spouse has that capacity, I don't know. But if a human heart can love like Christ, then what's next for me?